


Worlds Apart

by momentsintimex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Birth father, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mostly Canon Compliant, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26633965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: A year after graduating high school, Justin Foley finds himself recovering.A stable family, friends who understand what he's been through, a year of college under his belt. He doesn't think it's possible to be happier, and he never imagined his life would feel quite like this.Until an email from his alleged birth father arrives in his inbox, sending his world into a tailspin trying to figure out what he wants and if he can believe anything he's being told.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Justin Foley & Clay Jensen, Justin Foley & The Jensens
Comments: 208
Kudos: 103





	1. One.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Hello

_Justin,_

_I assume this email is confusing for you. It’s been years since I’ve first thought about writing it. I never quite felt like it was the right time, and I didn’t think you’d ever want to hear from me._

_My name is Austin Caldwell. I’m your biological father. Your mother and I met many years ago, and when she got pregnant with you, I ran. I never came back into your life, never made an attempt to come back and see how you were doing in person._

_I don’t expect you to understand why I’m reaching out now. If I’m honest, I don’t even know why I’m emailing now. But I figured maybe this would be a good time to make amends. When you’re an adult and I can explain why I did what I did._

_Feel free to email me back._

_Austin_

Justin sits in the outhouse, rereading the email until it no longer makes sense and his eyes blur staring at the screen. His cursor hovers over the delete button, the other hand resting on his phone. He doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that his first reaction is to call his brother.

But it’s three in the morning in Rhode Island, and it’s finals week. Clay has been studying nonstop, pulling long hours to finish the last of their first semester of college. He’s been packing up his dorm and Lainie has made plans to fly out and help him fly back home while Matt and Justin finish their own semesters, and he doesn’t need to be bothered by this development.

He reads the email once more, and then moves back to his inbox.

He doesn’t delete it.

Reluctantly, he shuts his laptop. He moves it back onto the kitchen counter, far away from where he’d be able to reach it to read the email again, and climbs into bed. The outhouse is filled with darkness, and a million thoughts run through Justin’s mind as he tries to fall asleep.

_How can he trust that this is really his father?_

_How did his father learn his name and his contact information?_

_Should he even answer?_

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tries to will himself to sleep.

Sleep never comes.

**________________________________________**

“You look exhausted, kiddo. Up late studying for finals?”

Matt pours coffee for Justin, smiling as he turns back to put it back on the counter.

Justin shrugs, reaching for the sugar. “Kind of, yeah.”

“Do you think you’re ready? You’ve been studying hard the last few days. Which final is today?” Lainie asks. She sets the eggs out in the center of the table, smiling when Justin reaches and dishes some onto his plate.

“Psychology is this morning, and then I have History this afternoon,” He says quietly. “I’m more nervous for Psychology than I am for History.”

Lainie smiles, joining her son at the table. “When I helped you study for Psychology the other night, you knew all of the answers. I don’t think you have anything to be worried about.”

“You haven’t met the professor,” Justin counters, stabbing a piece of egg with his fork. “I’m pretty sure his life goals include confusing the hell out of his students. I always think I know everything on his tests, and then I get half of them wrong. It’s like I can’t win.”

“You’re going to do great, Justin,” Matt promises. “What about History? How do you feel about that?”

“Okay,” He shrugs, taking another bite of his breakfast as he reaches for toast. “There’s some things that are a little fuzzy, but I don’t feel as nervous about that final. I’ve never had issues on those tests before.”

He reaches for his orange juice, looking to Lainie when she begins to speak.

“Have you heard from Clay? I know he’s been studying hard for finals, but I wouldn’t mind getting a text from him every now and then,” She smiles.

Justin smiles, reaching for another piece of toast. “I texted him yesterday. He was still studying for finals. Mentioned something about an all-nighter.”

Lainie frowns. “He shouldn’t be pulling all-nighters. Both of you need your rest.”

“He’s worried about his Anthropology final, I think,” Justin says. “He’s been going to study groups with kids from his class, and studying a lot on his own. He’s barely had time to FaceTime with me.”

“That’ll change in a few days,” Lainie promises, standing up and bringing her plate to the sink. “Oh, I can’t wait to have both my boys back under the same roof.” She drops a kiss to Justin’s head, grabbing her keys and bag from the counter.

“I’ll be home early today, I’m in court for most of the morning, and I plan on working from home when we’re done. Justin, honey, good luck on your finals. Matt, don’t grade your students too hard,” She smiles, kissing Matt before leaving through the back door.

“I’m going to head to campus. You okay for this morning?”

Justin nods, standing up and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. “I’m just going to change and then I’ll come. I’ll do some last minute studying before I go take the Psychology exam.”

Matt nods, putting his lunch in his bag. “I’ll be in my office most of the day if you need me. Good luck, kiddo, you’re going to do great.”

Justin nods, smiling as Matt walks out the back door with his things.

For the first time that morning, he’s left alone. He tries to run through what he remembers for his exams in his mind, but he keeps thinking back to the email.

The email that’s sitting in his inbox like a lead weight, taunting him each time he thinks about it. He’s avoided his email all morning, afraid of what else could be in there.

The worst part is, he’s tried to think of a response. He’s thought about what he would say. Does his dad know he got adopted? How did he know where to find him? Where is his dad living now?

He walks back into the outhouse, changing and grabbing his backpack from the chair. His phone pings on the counter, two texts from Clay lighting up the screen.

_Good luck on your finals today. I know you’re going to do great._

_Sorry I’ve been ignoring you or pushing you to the side. FaceTime tonight?_

Grabbing his keys, Justin locks the door and texts Clay back quickly.

_It’s okay, we’ve had a lot going on. Yes to FaceTiming tonight. I have a lot to tell you._

_Good luck on your finals. You’re going to kill it as always :)_

**________________________________________**

Psychology goes better than he thought it would.

He knew most of the questions, and the open-ended question he answered was the topic he was the most well-versed in.

After spending most of the walk feeling like he was on cloud nine, Justin drops his bag on the floor of Matt’s office and collapses into a chair.

“You look a lot happier than you were this morning,” Matt smiles, turning back from where he had been organizing his bookshelf. “How was Psychology?”

“I think I did well,” He smiles. “It at least feels good to have it out of the way.”

Matt smiles. “Good, kid. I’m proud of you,” He says. “Are you hiding out here to study for History?”

“I’m hiding in here because the library is full of panicking students, and I don’t have enough time to go home and come back,” He smirks.

Matt gives him a pointed look, sitting back at his desk. “I’d like it if you studied a little. Make sure you really know the material.”

Justin rolls his eyes, grabbing his History notebook out of his bag anyway. “Clay texted me this morning,” He says, flipping through and reading over his notes. “He said that we can FaceTime tonight since his Anthropology final is today.”

“That’s good,” Matt smiles. “If you remember, tell him your mother and I wouldn’t mind a phone call home every once in a while.”

“I’ll be sure to let him know,” Justin nods, glancing at his phone.

He checks his email, freezing when he sees the email from his father sitting towards the top of his inbox.

“Justin.”

Matt’s voice breaks him out of his focus, snapping his head up to look at him. “Yeah?”

“I asked if you wanted help studying for History,” He says, leaning forward. “Are you feeling okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Justin shrugs. He knows he has two choices. He could be honest with Matt right now, telling him that his biological father somehow got his contact information and emailed him yesterday. Or he could lie, put it off longer, and stall to give himself time to come up with a plan on how he wants to handle this.

“I got a B on my Sociology final,” He says, taking a breath. It’s not a _lie_ , he really did get a B and found out last night, but that’s not why he felt like this. “I was just looking at my grades. I don’t know why I thought Psychology would be up already.”

Matt studies him for a moment. Justin feels his heart racing, terrified he’s caught in a lie, and then Matt leans back. “Well, I’m certainly proud of the B on your Sociology final, and I know Lainie will be, too,” Matt smiles. “As for Psychology, you just have to be patient, kid. It’ll be up soon enough. I’m sure you did fine,” He says, clicking around on his laptop.

Justin nods, goes back to studying, and when some time has passed, Matt looks back at him. “If there’s anything you need to talk about, you know you can tell me, right?” He says, looking at Justin. “I know there’s a lot happening right now, finals week is stressful and sometimes that means your mental health comes second, but we don’t want that. Your mom and I don’t want you to bottle things up. We saw how that negatively affected you during Fall semester finals week, and a repeat of that would mean that we haven’t learned.”

Fall semester saw Justin’s anxiety increase, panic attacks become more frequent and sleep became almost non-existent. Lainie began setting timers, giving Justin smaller windows to study in in an effort to combat the anxiety. He spoke to Dr. Ellman twice a week during the final few weeks of classes, and when it was all said and done, his grades showed that he didn’t need to panic as much as he did.

He didn’t want a repeat of Fall semester.

And Matt’s making it so easy, Justin thinks. He could just come out with it right now, feel the weight lifted off his chest and have guidance from his parents on what to do next, and he wouldn’t feel like he was hiding something that made him feel this way.

But he can’t bring himself to do it.

So he nods, grabbing his water bottle and taking a sip. “I know,” He says. “I’m doing better this finals week, I promise. I haven’t been hiding any anxiety attacks or anything like I did during the last finals.”

Matt seems satisfied with the answer, smiling. “Good, Justin. We’re glad that you’re doing so well this time around. And you’ll come to us if you’re having any issues? We don’t want this getting worse, but we’re trusting you to talk to us.”

Justin swallows roughly, nodding. “Promise.”

He turns back to his notebook, grateful that Matt doesn’t press further.

**________________________________________**

Clay looks exhausted.

He’s laying in bed when he answers Justin’s FaceTime call, dark circles underneath his eyes and a blanket pulled up under his chest. “I’m sorry it’s been a few days.”

“Holy shit, it looks like we should’ve waited at least another night,” Justin comments. “When’s the last time you slept?”

“Consistently? I don’t know, it’s been a few weeks probably.”

Justin frowns. “How long did you sleep last night?”

“Maybe three or four hours,” Clay shrugs. “You sound like Mom.”

“Who wants you to call home, by the way,” Justin reminds him. “It’s been a while since they’ve talked to you, even if it’s just over the phone. I’ve been tasked with providing updates that their son is still alive.”

Clay sighs. “I’ll call them tonight after we hang up,” He promises. “How many finals do you have left?”

“One,” Justin replies. “English, which Matt thinks I’ll do fine on. I appreciate the optimism from him, but he’s not my professor.”

“Yeah, but he knows all the professors. I think he’d be honest if he thought you were going to fail,” Clay says. “Why didn’t you take Dad’s class? It’s not like people would have known you’re his son. You didn’t take our last name when we adopted you.”

“The class was full,” He reminds Clay. “I got into his class for the Fall, though. My plan is to really be on my best behavior so he feels obligated to give me a good grade.”

Clay rolls his eyes, but he’s laughing as he sinks further down against his pillow. “I can’t wait to see how that works out for you.”

“What finals do you have left?”

“Economics and Business,” Clay rattles off, stifling a yawn. “Business should be pretty easy, but I’m worried about Economics.”

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”

Clay sighs, looking back to his brother. “I _have_ been sleeping,” He argues, “Just not as much as I should be.”

“Don’t FaceTime Mom and Dad,” Justin suggests. “They’ll see how exhausted you look and they’ll just get worried. And that will mean I have to answer a million questions until Lainie comes out to pick you up in a few days.”

“I’m cleaning my camera and FaceTiming them. Make sure they answer on their laptops so they can really see how exhausted I am.”

Justin glares, leaning back against his pillows. “You wouldn’t.”

“You’re right,” Clay concedes. “They would hound me on texts too if they knew I hadn’t been sleeping much.

Justin nods, letting the silence fall over them for a minute. Clay is the one that breaks it, earning Justin’s attention away from the textbook laying on his bed.

“You said you have a lot to tell me,” He says, quickly changing subjects. “When we were texting earlier, you said you had things to tell me. What were they?”

Justin panics. He chews on the corner of his lip, eyes averting away from the screen.

Clay’s exhausted. He can barely keep his eyes open, and even if he could, he seems like he’s in a fairly good mood. Justin has to think bringing up his biological dad would put a wrench in things. Clay’s number one trait is worrying about Justin, and if Justin were to give him a reason to worry, he knows the next few days will go horribly.

“Oh,” He says, stalling as he looks around the room. “I was just going to tell you that I’m planning on deep cleaning the outhouse before you get home,” He says. “Like actually cleaning things and putting things where they belong. Make it look better than it did when you left after spring break last time.”

Clay looks at his brother, eyeing him carefully. Justin swallows roughly, afraid he’s caught out, and picks at his comforter. “I can’t believe I’ll be coming home to a clean room,” Clay finally replies. “Should I get my hopes up that you’ll follow through with this?”

“Yes,” Justin doubles down, looking back to his brother. “I plan on starting tomorrow. To get my mind off studying since Matt and Lainie don’t want me going over things for too long.”

“You did have major anxiety when you hyper-focused last semester,” Clay says, watching his brother nod. “Is that all you wanted to tell me? You’re sure there’s nothing else?”

Justin shakes his head. “No, nothing else,” He promises. “I just… I thought I’d hype the news up a little bit,” He shrugs, smiling.

Clay doesn’t seem entirely convinced, but is too tired to argue. “Okay,” He says warily, pausing. “I’m going to call Mom and Dad before I pass out. You get started cleaning,” He smiles.

Justin rolls his eyes, sitting up. “I will. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Justin lets his phone fall to the bed beside him, staring up at the ceiling.

He’s dug himself a hole.

**________________________________________**

Sleep never quite comes that evening for Justin, and he’s pretty sure there’s only so many reruns he can watch before he feels like he’s going insane.

Against his better judgment, he pulls the email back up on his screen again. Reading it once, and then once again, he types out a reply without thinking twice about it.

 **To:** Austin Caldwell  
 **From:** Justin Foley  
 **Subject:** RE: Hello

_I don’t know how you got this email, or how you even figured out my name. I’m not sure what I would even say to you if we ever did meet._

_How can I trust this is really you? How do I know this isn’t some scam, and you somehow knew that I’ve never known my biological father. I guess that’s not a hard guess for some people._

_What made you want to reach out now? I’m almost 19, you had a lot of years to get your shit together and reach out before. It probably would’ve done me some good._

_Answer me how I know I can trust you’re my father before I decide if I want to talk to you more._

_Justin_

He reads his reply over and over, reading and deleting until he feels satisfied.

His hand hovers over the send button, fingers shaking as he reads a reply to a man who claims to be his biological father. A man he never knew, never heard stories about, never really even wondered why he hadn’t shown.

He thinks about what his father would have to gain getting in touch now. He thinks about how he’d tell him he’s adopted, that his mother didn’t turn out to be all that great either.

He reads the note again, satisfied with how short and to the point it is. No formalities, no warm tone to this man who may be lying to him, just like so many adults have.

He never presses send.


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Matt spend time together, and Justin receives another email

Justin doesn’t think about the email for two days.

It’s almost freeing, he thinks, as he takes his English final and spends the rest of his afternoon deep cleaning the outhouse like he spontaneously promised Clay he would. It’s like he knows there’s a dark cloud hanging over him, but it’s one of those storms that’s just far enough away to be able to see and only feel the gentle breeze against your skin.

He knows he’ll have to deal with it eventually, but right now he’s content to watch it from afar, let it play out without any actions or consequences from him.

Matt arrives home later that evening, stopping in the outhouse and looking around impressed. “Wow, kiddo. You’ve made quite a lot of progress this afternoon.”

Justin looks around, pushing his hair off his forehead. “Well, I have to get it done before Clay gets home. And since Lainie left this morning, I’m dangerously close to being pressed for time.”

Matt smiles, sitting on the edge of Clay’s bed. “They don't fly back for a few more days. You have time,” He reminds him. “I was thinking you and I could order out tonight. Watch a movie, maybe?”

“Sure,” Justin nods. “I’m just going to finish this part, and then I’ll come in,” He says, gesturing to the bookshelf he had been taking apart and going through meticulously. “I’ll be annoyed if I leave it half finished at this point.”

Nodding, Matt stands up. “Sounds good to me,” He says. “I’ll go pull some menus out of the file, we can decide what we want for dinner when you come in,” He continues, leaving the outhouse as quietly as he came in.

Justin focuses back on the task at hand, rearranging the books and fixing the frames he had pushed to the side, taking a breath and looking around at his progress. He snaps a picture, sending it to Clay, and pockets his phone to go inside for a well deserved break.

**_______________________________**

They end up ordering Chinese, camping out in front of the TV watching a comedy movie he knows only Matt would really enjoy.

“How do you think your English final went?”

Justin shrugs around a forkful of rice, looking back to Matt. “I’m sure my essay could’ve been worded and formatted a little bit better, but overall I think I did fine,” He decides after a minute. “Why? Have you heard any insider information?”

Matt laughs, expertly using his chopsticks with his chicken. “I have not,” He says, looking back to his son. “But Dr. Lampman was impressed with your essays throughout the semester. He also said you were insightful with the questions and readings done in class. He asked me if I thought you would ever declare your major as English.”

“I hope you told him how long those essays and answers take me when we’re home,” Justin says. “I’m definitely not cut out for the English major lifestyle.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Matt counters. “I think with a bit of work, you could absolutely be a fantastic English major. But I’m not necessarily convinced you see yourself doing anything related to English for your career.”

Justin shakes his head, giving up with the chopsticks and reaching for a fork. “I don’t think so. I’m not… it’s a lot to keep track of. And I don’t necessarily think my editing skills are as good as most of those English majors. Some of them were in my class, and they were so quick with things.”

“I understand,” Matt nods. “Although I do think with a bit of practice, you would be just as quick as them,” He offers. “Have you thought about what you’d want your major to be?”

Justin sighs, tapping his fork against the container.

If he were being honest, it’s all he’s been thinking about since starting college. He’s tried out a few different classes, read the course catalog about a million times, but only a handful of majors interested him. And while there’s been one he continuously comes back to, he hadn’t even told Clay about it.

“I was thinking about mental health or addiction counseling, or maybe social work,” He finally says, eyes trained on the container in his lap. “I just -- my life was saved by being adopted, and if I could help kids who are in similar situations, I think I’d really want to do that,” He explains. “But at the same time, I was an addict that happened to get the help I needed to get clean. And I can relate to the people who feel like they can’t ever get clean, or that it’s too hard to accept the help someone is giving them.”

Matt’s silent for a moment. Justin shoves another forkful of noodles into his mouth, chewing methodically. It feels like hours pass by, but Justin knows that’s not the case. He’s just thankful when Matt finally says something, breaking his anxiety.

“Justin, I think both of those are excellent options,” He says, smiling when Justin finally meets his gaze. “Kid, you would be an excellent social worker or counselor. And I think there may be a way we can get you the best of both worlds. Maybe see if you could be both.”

Justin perks up a little, swallowing his bite. “Really? I didn’t think it was possible to be both.”

Matt nods, reaching for a napkin. “We’ll have to get in touch with the department chair. I can help you find her contact information in the morning if you’d like,” He offers, smiling when Justin agrees. “She’ll be able to explain your choices and how you can make what you want to do in life a reality.”

“Okay,” Justin nods, letting the information sink in for a moment. “That’s the first time I said any of that out loud. I haven’t even told Clay what I was thinking about majoring in. I just kept putting it off or telling him that I wasn’t sure yet.”

Matt looks amused, reaching for his drink. “Does it still feel right to you? Hearing you say it out loud, do you think you still want to pursue this? I know sometimes I think I want one thing, but hearing it out loud makes me realize I want something different.”

Justin contemplates the question, standing up to get his medication. He lets the thought of being a counselor and social worker run through his mind, and then feels himself relax. “Yeah, I do,” He says as he sits back down at the table, and that’s all Matt needs to know that they’re going to move forward making plans to talk about helping Justin formally declare his major.

**_______________________________**

In an effort to lighten his course load during the semesters, Justin had been offsetting by taking a class in the summer. Offered online, it gave him the chance to move at his own pace and work towards a deadline that was a little more relaxed, something he found worked better when it came to managing how anxious he seemed to get about college grades.

He opted to take his science class online that summer, ignoring Matt’s pointed stare when he mumbled about how it would probably be easier and he’d get a better grade.

“I’m just saying, I really think I’ll have an easier time online,” He argued one evening, thankful to have Lainie on his side. “And I did really well in that winter class I took online.”

“You did,” Matt agrees. “But just because they’re online and shorter doesn’t mean that the classes are any easier. I know my classes certainly aren’t any easier to take online.”

Justin bites back a smile. “Oh my god. You’re the teacher everyone gets annoyed that it’s the exact same class online,” He teases. “Most people make their online classes easier, but not you.”

Matt laughed at the joke, makes a promise that he’ll ask Justin how to get on the student’s good side, and Justin immediately agrees to offer him all the tips he knows.

But now, a day before the start of summer classes and Matt teaching an online Shakespeare class, nothing had changed. He watches Justin organize the materials his professor provided, making dinner as Justin reads through the syllabus.

“It’s just six weeks of Earth Science and then I’m free to do whatever Clay and I want to do this summer.”

“Yes, but school comes first,” Matt reminds him, tossing the vegetables into the saucepan. “We will make the most of the rest of the summer when you’re done.”

“I know,” Justin sighs, marking things off. “I don’t need a textbook.”

“Thankfully,” Matt smiles. “Do you think you’re ready to start tomorrow? Have everything ready?”

Justin nods, placing the syllabus back in his folder and moving it to the side. “I think so, yeah. I mean, I’m hoping so at least.”

Matt nods. He grabs two bowls, pouring out their dinner while Justin stands to grab his pill bottle, joining Matt back at the table. “Lainie and Clay will be home in a few more days. Clay’s last final is tomorrow, and then they’re going to pack up and fly back.”

Justin nods, twirling a noodle around his fork before stabbing a piece of broccoli. “Is he taking summer classes?”

“He is not,” Matt says. “He took full course loads both semesters, and his therapist at school believes it’d be best for Clay to have a full summer off to relax and not stress over things.”

Matt notices Justin deflate slightly, swallowing his bite before speaking again. “Hey, what works for his anxiety isn’t what works for yours. You respond better to less classes during normal semesters, and supplementing through the shorter semesters. Clay is the opposite. It doesn’t make you any less of a student than he is.”

Justin nods. “I want to work up to doing all of my classes during the normal semesters.”

“And you can, if that’s something you really do want to do,” Matt agrees. “But one step at a time. Don’t rush into it because Clay is doing it that way. You can still graduate at the same time doing it two different ways.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. “But I still want to try to get to a point where I’m not taking classes all year round.”

“That’s fair,” Matt smiles. “We’ll work up to it.”

It’s a compromise Justin can live with, and he’s glad to spend the rest of dinner giving Matt tips on how to be an online teacher his summer students would love.

**_______________________________**

“Mom’s here, so don’t say anything stupid,” Clay says when he answers his brother’s FaceTime call, turning the phone to show Lainie waving from the other bed.

“I thought you’d be in your dorm,” Justin sighs, sitting down on the sofa in the outhouse. “You know, one last night before you pack up and move out tomorrow.”

Clay smiles. “My roommate is moving out first thing in the morning, and I have a final tomorrow morning. I figured it’d be better if I spent the night here, give him space to pack his things and I can still study.”

Justin nods. “So what you’re saying is Mom is a better roommate than Max,” Justin smirks. “Good to know. Although I’m still in the outhouse, so I can’t report on how Dad is as a roommate when I’m studying.”

“How did the last of your finals go, love? Are you ready for tomorrow?” Lainie asks, appearing in the top corner.

“English went well. I think I did fine,” Justin smiles. “And I’m as prepared for a summer class as you could be.”

Lainie smiles. “Good. And you've been taking your medication?"

Justin laughs, rolling his eyes. "Always, Mom. I do it when you're here, too."

"I know," Lainie smiles. "I just worry. I'll let you boys talk. We’ll be back in two days, have a good first day of class. I love you.”

“Love you!” Justin smiles, looking back to his brother as he puts his headphones in.

“Okay, if you need to rant, at least she won’t be able to hear you now.”

Justin smiles. “I’m good, actually. Nothing has really happened here,” He shrugs. “I mean, I think I finally decided on a major. I talked to Matt about it.”

“So Mom doesn’t know?” Clay asks. “Are you going to tell me?”

“She doesn’t know, and sure, I’ll tell you,” Justin says. “I’m going to major in either social work or mental health and addiction counseling.”

“That is… actually perfect for you,” Clay smiles. “You’re going to be really good at either one of those.”

Justin relaxes into the back of the sofa, smiling. “You think?” He asks, relieved to see Clay nod. “Matt said he would help me get in touch with the department chair so we can see if I can do both in a major.”

“You should do it. At the very least, you’d get some information about both so you can decide which major you see yourself in,” He reminds him, laughing when Justin nods and rolls his eyes.

“I’m going to, just let me get through Earth Science first.”

“And then we can spend a weekend at the lake. Ani was talking about renting a house for a long weekend with everyone. So we can hang out together away from our houses.”

“That would be fun,” Justin comments. “Charlie’s going to start preseason for football pretty early in August though, and Zach’s coaching again, so we’ll have to make sure we do it when the two of them are free to come.”

“We’ll figure it out when I’m home,” Clay promises. “Speaking of, how’s the cleaning coming?”

“Great,” Justin smirks, turning the camera around to show him the outhouse. “I have to clean the bathroom, but then I’m finished. The problem is keeping it clean for a few more days when you get here.”

“I have faith in you,” Clay smiles. “It’s two more days, you’ll be fine.”

“We can hope,” Justin smiles, letting Clay talk about how his moving out is going and his last few finals before he’s back home, and slowly but sure, Justin feels like he’s settling into the thought of having Clay home for the summer, finally letting himself get excited.

**_______________________________**

Matt’s setting eggs out on the breakfast table when Justin arrives into the house, smiling back at him. “Ready for your first day of class?”

“It’s online,” Justin mumbles, running his hands through his hair as he pours orange juice for the two of them, sitting down at the table. “I’m only up early because I need to get it done, and I need to finish cleaning the outhouse before Clay and Lainie get home tomorrow morning.”

Matt joins him, handing him the spoon to dish out the eggs. “Then it might be horrible timing to tell you that Clay and Lainie’s flight is delayed. They’re not going to leave until tomorrow morning now, so they’ll be home tomorrow evening. We have an extra day.”

Justin pauses, looking back at him. “Why?”

Matt shrugs, reaching for his coffee. “There was something with the airline. Lainie called very early this morning and I wasn’t totally coherent to pay attention,” He admits, earning a laugh from Justin.

“I’m up now. I’ll just do class, and then pass out later.”

“I’ll be in my office most of the day. I told myself if I worked from home, I’d be more likely to clean up the house around here. Not that we made it a mess, but just as a nice gesture.”

“I’ll help later,” Justin offers, pulling his phone from his pocket when it chimes.

**NEW EMAIL: Austin Caldwell**   
_Tap to read more_

“We can tackle just down here this afternoon, and then find something to make for dinner,” Matt smiles.

Justin hums something in response, thumb shaking as he hovers before swiping to open the email.

 **To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** No response?

_Justin -_

_I would’ve thought that you would have answered my original email by now. Aren’t kids your age always on their phones?_

_I find it hard to believe that you wouldn’t have any questions when it comes to me. I’m sure your mother gave you very little information on me. I think if you did answer me, you’d find that we’re not that different._

_Maybe you’ll reply to this email. It would be nice to hear from the son I never got to know._

_Austin_

“Justin, kid?”

Justin’s torn from his phone, looking back to Matt. He looks concerned, hand resting against the table outstretched towards Justin. “Are you feeling okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost, and you stopped eating your breakfast.”

Justin locks his phone, setting it back on the table. “‘m fine, yeah. Don’t worry about it,” He says, making a show about eating the rest of his breakfast.

Matt looks wary, but doesn’t press further.

It just makes Justin feel guiltier.

“I’m going to get started on my class. Make sure my students aren’t having any first day issues,” He announces, standing up and bringing his dishes to the sink. “Are you okay to get started?”

Justin nods, shoveling another bite of breakfast into his mouth. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” He mumbles, but his voice sounds distant and he thinks maybe Matt is going to say something.

“I’ll be in my office. You can come in if you need me, okay?” He says, waiting for Justin to nod that he understands. “I love you. Have a good first day.”

“Love you. You too,” He mumbles, letting Matt press a kiss to the top of his head before he leaves the room.

Justin takes his time doing the dishes, placing each one in the dishwasher before turning around and leaning against the counter.

School first, then the email.

Or school first, and ignore the email until this man stops emailing him.

It doesn’t sound likely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys what EVEN. i NEVER thought i would get so much feedback and so much excitement for this! thank you so much for the kudos/comments! i'm so glad you're enjoying this so far and i can't wait for you to read more as this story slowly unravels :) 
> 
> just as a reference, Justin will go back and forth calling Matt and Lainie by their names and Mom and Dad. it's intentional, not me slipping up and making a mistake haha 
> 
> there will be a new update in a few days! :) 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	3. three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Jess reunite, Clay comes home, and the emails keep coming

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: No response?

_Leave me alone_

Justin hits send before he can think about it.

He tosses his phone onto Clay’s bed, far from where he’ll be able to see it. Looking around the outhouse, he knows he only has one more thing to do before Clay gets home that evening - clean the bathroom.

So he does it. He forces himself off of his bed, walking into the bathroom where he left the cleaning supplies Lainie got out for him before she left a few days ago. He puts his music on as loud as he can, trying to drown out his thoughts surrounding the emails and what he’s going to do about them, at least for a little while, and cleans while letting himself get excited that he and his brother are almost reunited for more than a few weeks.

**_______________________________**

Jess swings open her front door when she hears Justin pull up, running and jumping into his arms. Justin laughs, squeezing her against his chest.

“I can’t believe we’re done freshman year! We officially survived the first year of school,” she smiles, jumping down. “When does Clay get home?”

“Later tonight,” Justin says, following Jess back into her house. “I can’t stay too long, I have to help Matt with dinner before Lainie and Clay get here.”

Jess nods, leading him to the sofa and sitting down. “That’s fine,” she says, reaching out for his hand. “How did the semester go?”

“Good,” Justin nods. “I did well in all of my classes, and I’m taking science this summer to make up for the fact that I don’t take a full course load during the regular semester.”

“Does taking one less class really help?” Jess asks, but her voice is inquiring and definitely not accusatory. “I mean, are you less stressed or anxious?”

“Definitely,” Justin nods. “I don’t have as many classes to study for, so it’s easier for me to manage and still keep like, some sort of normalcy for me.”

Jess smiles. “You seem really happy, Justin,” she observes. “College looks good on you.”

“Yeah?” Justin smirks. He reaches forward, pushing her hair away from her face. “You’re one to talk. College has been the best thing for you.”

Jess leans back, smiling. “It has. I’m a totally different person at school. I can finally just be free from everything high school did to us,” she says, leaning forward to kiss him softly. “But I’ve missed you.”

Justin smiles, kissing her softly. “I’ve missed you, too,” he whispers, fingers tracing along the edge of her jeans. “Are we still keeping this casual?”

Jess hums, tilting her head back slightly. “I think that’s better for us, don’t you?”

Her lips press against his, not giving him a chance to answer. “Jess,” Justin breathes, tilting his head as she kisses along his jaw, moving down his neck. “Jess, wait.”

Jess stops, pulling back to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Being casual, hooking up when we saw each other, it worked for the school year,” he breathes, staring at his lap. “But what about the summer? What about next school year? Are we just going to keep hooking up? What if we meet other people?”

“Have you met someone else?”

“Jesus, no,” Justin breathes. “I just… I want to know where we stand. If this is still going to be casual, then I think we need to say that now.”

Jess leans back, retracting her hand from Justin’s. “I don’t think we should be serious,” She admits. “I’m home for the summer, and then I’m back to being three hours away from here. I’ll come home and visit, you’ll come to see me, but it won’t be enough for us to be a legitimate couple.”

Justin reaches back for her hand, surprised when she lets him take it. “Okay. Then we fool around for the summer, reevaluate before you leave for school.”

Jess nods, leaning forward to kiss him again. She takes his hand, leading him up to her bedroom, and for a moment, Justin feels whole again.

**_______________________________**

Matt’s finishing cleaning the kitchen when Justin gets back from Jess’, smiling as he sets his shoes in the closet. “They should be landing in a little over an hour,” Matt says, looking back to his son. “I’m going to make something for dinner for the four of us, do you want to help me?”

“Sure,” Justin nods.

“How was Jess? Is she happy to be home from school for the semester?” Matt asks, handing Justin a cutting board.

“Yeah, I think so,” Justin nods. “She didn’t really mention it, but she seemed happy to at least see me.”

“I’m sure she was,” Matt smiles. “Are you two dating again?”

Justin shrugs, washing the vegetables off. “I don’t think so. She thinks we shouldn’t date because it’ll only last for the summer and then we’ll be back to being long distance. Which is fine, but I don’t think she’s ready to be long distance again.”

Matt nods, browning the chicken on the stove beside him. “I’m sure you two will figure it out. You’re young, it’ll be fine.”

Justin doesn’t reply, letting the silence fall over them again. His phone buzzes on the counter beside him, an email notification lighting up his screen.

**NEW EMAIL: Austin Caldwell**   
_Tap to read more_

Justin sucks in a breath, chopping the carrot a little too roughly.

“Woah, okay,” Matt looks over, resting his hand on top of Justin’s to stop him before he cuts himself. “Everything okay? Did someone unexpected text you?”

“I’m fine,” Justin says, chopping much softer than before. “It was just Jess texting me. Some video or song or something. I just wasn’t expecting my phone to go off,” he shrugs, deflecting.

Matt looks like he’s going to press further, like he knows Justin is blatantly lying, but instead lets the silence continue once more.

Justin takes a breath, pouring the carrots into a pot and reaching for the broccoli. “If you didn’t know your dad. Like if he was never in your life, if you didn’t even know his name, do you think you’d want to know more about him?”

Matt stirs the chicken around the pot, contemplating the question for a moment. “I’m not sure,” he finally decides. “I think it would depend on why I was thinking about him.”

Justin shifts on his feet. “Say you watched your friends grow up with two parents. You watched them make memories, or even have stories about their parents from when they were younger. And then you realize that you don’t even know your dad’s name, let alone where he lives or… or what he would’ve done with you had he been around.”

Matt glances at Justin, turning the burner down on the stove.

“Justin, do you want to find out who your birth father is?”

The knife in Justin’s hand stills, and for a moment he feels like he’s going to be sick.

_I already know._

_He won’t stop emailing me._

He can’t bring himself to say it.

“No,” Justin says, and then shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

Matt glances at him.

“We wouldn’t be able to find him anyway,” Justin shrugs. “I don’t think he had anything to do with my mom from the minute she said she was pregnant with me. So he won’t be on any of my files or anything. And I have my mom’s last name. So looking for a Foley won’t work, either.”

“There’s other ways to find him, kid. You just have to tell us if that’s something you would want.”

Justin swallows. “Yeah, okay. But I don’t think I want to look into it right now.”

Matt glances at his phone. “Clay and Lainie just got back to the car. So we have about 20 minutes before they’re here.”

Justin nods, finishing chopping the rest of the vegetables. He hands the bowl to Matt, letting him sautee them on the stove while he grabs the noodles.

“If it were me, I think I’d be curious, too,” Matt admits after a minute, brushing his hand through Justin’s hair as Justin moves past him.

Justin nods, unable to bring himself to say anything.

He helps with the rest of dinner, setting the table just in time for the front door to open, bags dropping in the front room and footsteps getting closer.

“You made stir-fry for my first night home?” Clay asks, looking at the dinner table before hugging Matt, who is overjoyed to have his son back home.

Justin waits, shifting between his feet. Lainie smiles at him, hugging him. “You okay?”

“‘m fine,” he nods, resting his chin against her shoulder.

She pulls away, allowing Clay to move and hug his brother, too. Justin studies him, smiling.

Clay looks exhausted. They’ve been flying most of the day, and he admitted himself that he wasn’t sleeping much. He hugs him, holding him against his chest for a moment, before pulling away.

“It’s good to have you home,” Justin smiles.

Clay returns the gesture. “I’m happy to be back,” he admits, watching Justin turn back and grab his medicine before the four of them sitting down for dinner.

“Justin, how was class today?” Lainie asks, passing him the bowl of vegetables. “Do you think you’ll have a good few weeks?”

“I think so,” Justin nods. “The professor is really nice and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be difficult to pass. I’m just worried about it being boring. I mean Earth Science isn’t exactly the most interesting topic I’ve had.”

Lainie smiles. “So no future career in science is ahead for you?” She teases, taking a bite of her dinner.

Justin glances at Matt and then Clay, who gives him a nod of encouragement. “I um, I actually think I know what I want to major in,” he says, pushing his fork through his noodles.

Lainie looks up, eyes brightening. “Really? What do you think you decided on?”

Justin takes a breath, looking up at her. “Either social work or mental health and addiction counseling,” he says, smiling. “I just - being adopted saved my life, but so did getting clean. And Matt said that maybe there’s a way I could do both. He’s going to help me get in touch with the department chair to see if we can work things out.”

Lainie smiles, and for a moment Justin thinks she’s going to cry. “Oh, Justin,” she says quietly, reaching out to touch her hand to his. “I couldn’t think of a more perfect career path for you. Whichever way you decide, or if you could somehow combine both. You would be an excellent counselor, and I know you’d be great at helping kids get into a safe home and environment.”

Justin breathes a sigh of relief, nodding. “I just want to be able to help people the same way you guys helped me,” he mumbles. “I know I wasn’t in the system, but I’ve dealt with them, and I know how horrible it can be for kids. I want to help them realize that they can find a forever home, and if they’re battling addiction, they can get clean and see things get better.”

“Love,” Lainie smiles, squeezing his hand. “I am so proud of you. You’re going to be excellent in either of those career paths.”

Justin feels the relief wash over him, shoving another bite of dinner into his mouth as he nods.

They talk about Clay’s finals and their journey back home for the rest of dinner, Justin grateful to have him take over the conversation. It’s been months since the four of them have sat around like this, and Justin is finding that maybe it’s exactly what he needed to feel complete again.

To feel like he’s not spiraling from the emails sitting like a leaded weight in his inbox.

**_______________________________**

The quiet moment where Clay showers gives Justin time to read the email from his father. He avoids it for the first ten minutes, and then forces himself to open it before Clay is back.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: No response?

_So you do answer!_

_If you don’t want to see me, then you need to tell me. All I want is to be able to explain why I did what I did, but you seem to be stubborn, just like your mother._

_Let me know what you decide. But I'd prefer if you don’t keep me waiting as long next time._

Justin reads through it once, twice, three times. And then desperately tries to control his anger.

His dad left right after his mother told him she was pregnant with him. He ran, ignored calls and letters and whatever else his mom claims she did to get a hold of him. He didn’t give a shit about him, so why should Justin give him a chance to tell his story, especially after he said that he was stubborn?

Because deep down, Justin knows he wants these answers. He wants to know about his dad. Wants to know if he looks like him, or if he got some of his mannerisms, too. Because his whole life was knowing his mom, and he thinks maybe if he knew his dad, maybe it would bring some peace to him.

Even though he hasn’t been with his mom for three years, and his mom wasn’t really a mother for years before that.

“Sorry it took so long,” Clay says, the door slamming behind him. Justin jumps, his phone falling onto the bed. Clay looks amused. “Did you not hear me? Sorry, I’ve never scared you before.”

Justin scrambles to find his phone, exiting email and locking it. “No, you’re fine,” he promises. “I just… I was zoned out. I didn’t hear the door open.”

“Or see me walk in?” Clay asks. He locks the door behind him, tossing his towel onto the bed. “You’ve been quiet since Mom and I got home. You okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Justin nods. “Just tired. I had school, and then I went to Jess’. I made dinner with Dad after that. I’m just. I’m just tired.” He hates how easy the excuse falls off his tongue.

Clay sits down on the edge of his bed, looking back to his brother. “You sure that’s it? You’re usually not this tired from hanging out with Jess or doing one online class.”

Justin turns, shifting to lay down. “I didn’t sleep much during finals week. I barely had time to relax before this summer class started. I just… it’s just all catching up to me,” he says, staring at the ceiling. “I’ll be fine.”

Clay pulls his sheets back, sliding in. “What’s going on with you and Jess?”

“Nothing,” Justin sighs. “We had sex earlier today when we were at her place, but she doesn’t want this to be serious, or official or whatever. She thinks it’ll just cause problems when we go back to being long distance.”

“Do you want to be serious?”

Justin sinks his head further into the pillow. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I miss her. I miss being with her, I miss calling her my girlfriend. But I don’t want to be with her if all she can think about is us breaking up at the end of all of this.”

Clay’s quiet for a minute. “I think if you want this to be more than you two just fooling around, you need to tell her. It’s never going to work if you’re hiding how you really feel from her.”

“Thanks, Clay,” Justin says sarcastically, sighing. “It’s not going to matter what I say if she really believes that it’ll just end at the end of the summer. Why would I do that to myself?”

“Because you love her, and you need to be honest with yourself,” Clay replies.

Justin tries to look for an argument, but sinks further under his comforter when he can’t.

“I’m just saying. I think you’ll feel a lot better if you just come totally clean with how you feel about Jess. and if she doesn’t agree, then at least you’ll know you tried.”

Justin nods, staring at his ceiling. “I really wish you didn’t gain all this wisdom while you were away at school,” he mumbles. “You were much better when you just agreed that I was doing the right thing.”

“Someone needs to push you to do what makes you happy,” Clay says, laughing. “But I can’t force you to do anything, and no matter what you choose, I’m still going to be your brother, and I’ll still love you.”

“I love you, too,” Justin replies softly. “Go to sleep. You have to be exhausted.”

Clay mumbles in return, and Justin quietly waits for Clay’s breathing to even out before he reaches for his phone, opening the email again that’s been sitting in his inbox like a lead weight. He reads through it, and then blindly types out a reply.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: No response?

_I don’t have to answer you right away just because you think you deserve it. I have a life, I have things I need to do, and you’re not anywhere near the top of the priority list._

_Don’t talk about my mom. Don’t compare me to a woman you ran from when you found out when she was pregnant._

_How do I know that you’re really my birth father? How do I know that you’re not some fucking creep who picked some random person to tell these lies to?_

_Why should I give you the chance to explain yourself when you waited 18 years to reach out to me? If I think I can believe you, what makes you think that I should want to do this?_

He hits send without thinking, slams his phone down on the mattress, and falls into a fitful sleep before he can think about what’s going to happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so so so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best, and i'm so glad you're enjoying this :)
> 
> i've made one small edit to change the fact that Justin will have HIV in this fic. when i started writing it i didn't want him to, but the more i think about it, the more i think he should for this to be more realistic. it's SUPER minor and will mostly be in the background, but felt like i should say the disclaimer now haha
> 
> i'm going to try to keep on a consistent schedule of posting tuesday and fridays. the tuesday may change as i'm going to start going back into the office twice a week for work and that's one of my designated days, but we'll see how it goes this week :)
> 
> see you on tuesday! thank you guysss <3 <3 <3


	4. four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay's worry increases, and Justin finally comes clean to someone

Clay’s still asleep when Justin wakes up to do his schoolwork, quietly tiptoeing out of bed and around the outhouse before making his way into the main house. His biological father hasn’t emailed him back, and on impulse as he walks through the backyard, he emails him once more.

 **To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** RE: No response?

_I’ll talk to you over email first. We can talk here, and maybe one day I’ll meet you in person and give you the chance to explain._

_But I’m not ready for that yet._

If he was being honest about the emails, he thinks Dr. Ellman and Matt and Lainie would be proud of him for advocating for his own mental health and wellbeing. But that’s a perfect world where they wouldn’t be upset at him for talking to this guy who’s claiming to be his birth father over email when he’s been less than nice.

He can’t see any of them being happy with that half of the story.

Lainie is making a smoothie when he walks into the kitchen, smiling when he moves around her to get a bowl for breakfast. “Dad had an early meeting, so we’re on our own this morning,” she explains. “Is Clay still sleeping?”

Justin nods, pouring his own cereal. “I guess he’s exhausted, because it’d be almost noon on the east coast.”

“You said yourself that he didn’t sleep much over finals week. His body probably needs the rest,” she says, watching him as he sits down at the table. “And by the looks of it, you do, too. Have you been sleeping okay?”

Justin takes a bite of cereal, chewing methodically. “I’ve been sleeping fine,” he mumbles. “Just need to catch up on a little bit of it.”

“Maybe starting tonight,” she replies, eyebrows raising.

Shrugging, Justin bites back a smile. “Okay, I’ll go to bed earlier.”

Lainie smiles, satisfied, and moves her smoothie to press a kiss to the top of his head. “Your notebook is in the dining room next to your laptop. I’m going to go shower and then leave for work, but I’ll be home a little earlier tonight. Finish your school, and then be safe? Try to get your brother out of this house, maybe go hang out with your friends.”

“I will,” Justin nods. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” she smiles, leaving the room.

Justin finishes his breakfast, taking his time moving into the dining room. Lainie comes downstairs just as he’s logging in, giving him a quick wave before quietly slipping out the front door.

He spends most of the morning focusing on his class, taking notes from the lectures that are on their portal, working through some of the homework that had been assigned for that week. His phone pings, he ignores it for 20 minutes, and then the nagging in his mind forces him to open the email.

 **To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** Fine

_We can start this off on email, but I’m not expanding when you won’t talk to me face to face._

_I’m willing to be that your mother didn’t have one man in your life that you considered your father. None of them claimed you as their son, but I am right now. Why wouldn’t you want to believe that? Haven’t you been wanting a dad your whole life?_

_I would’ve thought you’d be a lot more excited to meet a man who says he’s your father. Your mother would jump at the chance to be back in touch with me. Too bad I chose you over her this time._

Justin’s shaking as he reads through the email. His laptop screen dims, and he sinks back in the chair, thumbs hovering over the keyboard on his phone. He desperately tries to think of a reply, a way to get back at this man claiming to be his father, and starts typing without thinking what he’s saying.

 **To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** Fine

_It’s none of your business how I grew up, especially when you couldn’t bother to be there. If I needed a father figure in my life, I would’ve wanted him when I was younger. I’m almost 19, I’ve learned to live my life without my biological father there like all of my friends had._

_I’m apprehensive to believe that you suddenly wanted something to do with your child after almost 19 years of doing nothing about it. Seems a little suspect, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. And don’t flatter yourself, my mother has more common sense than to run back to you if you came fucking calling._

“What are you doing?”

Justin drops his phone, looking back to Clay, who’s standing in the entryway.

“Your breathing was insane. You… is it a panic attack? Do you need me to help you? Wait, are you having panic attacks again?”

Justin recovers, picking up his phone and hitting send. “No, I’m fine.”

Clay narrows his eyes, sinking into a seat at the table. “I thought you were doing school.”

“I _am_ ,” Justin sighs. “I was just… I'm just answering a text. From a kid in my class.” He shifts his attention back to his laptop, clicking through the notifications. “He wanted to know how I got this answer. I was… I just told him what I did. And now I’m going to finish the rest of the lesson I have to get through today.”

He can feel Clay’s eyes narrowing against the side of his face, watching him as he reads through entries and replies to a few, checking off another task for school.

“I’m worried about you,” Clay finally says, resting his head in his hands. “You’ve been off since I got home, and you weren’t exactly your normal self when we FaceTimed the last few weeks,” he keeps talking, watching Justin type. “At first I thought it was anxiety or stress from finals, but it’s not, is it? Because finals are over and you’re taking one class, and you’re still like this.”

“I’m _fine_ , Clay,” Justin mumbles, tapping his pen against the table as he reads through the presentation. “Can you just stop worrying about me?”

Clay takes a breath, leaning forward. “If you won’t talk to me, then I’m going to tell Mom and Dad that something is going on with you. Would you rather have them asking you?” he asks. “They don’t see through your front, but I do.”

Justin drops his pencil, leaning back away from the computer. “I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. I don’t want to sit here and tell you why I’m so anxious. Not yet, I just… I can’t yet,” he says quietly. “But I need you to not get Mom and Dad involved. I need you to leave them out of it. _Please_ , Clay.”

Clay looks at him for a moment. For a split second, Justin thinks about relenting, sliding his phone over and letting his brother read through the emails he’s received over the last few days. He and Clay have gone through everything together, and Justin knows that his brother would keep this secret for him without a second thought.

But he’s not ready, and he knows Clay wouldn’t understand.

“Do you promise you’ll come to me when you’re ready?” Clay asks quietly. “Do you promise that if you feel any worse than you do right now, if you can’t handle it, you’ll come to me?”

Justin takes a breath, swallowing roughly. “Yes, I promise,” He says, reaching his hand over to rest on top of his brother’s for good measure. “But right now, I need you to leave it be. I need you to let me work through this on my own.”

Clay is hesitant, turning his hand over to hold his brother’s. “Okay,” He agrees quietly. “Finish school and then can we hang out? It’s been months.”

Justin laughs. “Sure,” He nods, hand lingering for a moment before he pulls back to finish the rest of his work.

**_______________________________**

Clay suggests the two of them go out to lunch. Justin agrees, changing into more appropriate clothes and slipping into the passenger seat of the car they now share.

“Should I be nervous about letting you drive?” he teases, looking back to his brother. “It’s been months, and I’m willingly letting you drive us to go get food.”

“Shut up,” Clay smirks, turning the car on. “You’ll live. It can’t be any worse than when I first let you drive.”

“I’m a fucking amazing driver though, so there was a difference,” Justin smiles, leaning back against the headrest. He lets Clay pick the music, naturally critiquing every song Clay flips through on their 10 minute drive.

“You’re choosing the music on the way home, I can’t take your critiquing any more than I already have.”

Laughing, Justin pulls Clay against his side as they walk into the diner together.

**_______________________________**

Charlie texts Justin to ask if they can toss the football around at school. Justin welcomes it as a break from Clay and their parents, a chance to not think about his dad’s emails or what’s going to happen if he keeps hiding it from everyone.

“Is Alex home yet?” Justin asks, tossing the ball back to Charlie.

Charlie shakes his head, lofting the ball back with ease. “He’ll be home tomorrow. They had a longer winter break, so he’s stuck at school a little longer than everyone else.”

Justin nods. “So you two survived your first year of long distance,” he smirks. “How do you feel about it?”

Charlie laughs. “Berkeley is like, a half hour away. It never really felt like long distance, and you know Alex came home a lot.”

“And you visited him,” Justin reminds him. “How are things between the two of you?”

Charlie smiles, catching the ball against his chest. “Better than I thought they would be,” he admits. “Alex used to pull away when we were here together. I worried about what would happen when we weren’t together all the time, when we weren’t seeing each other at school.”

Justin nods. “I think it’s normal to be nervous about things like that,” he says. “If I was still with Jess, I would’ve been worried about not being together all the time, too.”

Charlie tosses the ball back. “Do you think you and Jess will figure things out? Be together?”

Justin shrugs, spinning the ball in his hands. “I saw her last night. She said she wants to keep things casual. She’s afraid that if we make it serious, it’ll just end at the end of the summer when she goes back to school.”

Charlie motions for Justin to run further, lofting the ball with ease. “What do you want?”

Justin catches it, turning back towards Charlie and running closer. “I don’t really know what I want,” he says after a moment. “I get what she’s saying about just ending things when she goes back to school. But I also think I’m in a better place than I was at the beginning of last year, and I think we could handle being long distance.”

Charlie pivots, tossing the ball again. “I think you’d be able to make it. You’re doing better than you were last year,” he agrees. “But you do have to think about what Jess wants, too. Maybe it’s not about you, maybe it’s about her. Maybe she isn’t ready for a long distance relationship.”

Justin stops running, holding the ball. He hadn’t thought of it that way. He had been so hyper focused on his own recovery and timeline to what he felt ready for, it hadn’t occurred to him that Jess was on her own recovery timeline, and she may have other preferences or issues that she was still working through.

“Maybe you’re right,” he says quietly, tossing the ball back. “Want to go to Monet’s?”

Charlie nods, following Justin back to the sideline where their bags were laying.

Justin picks up his phone, breath caught in his throat when he sees the notification.

**NEW EMAIL: Austin Caldwell**  
_Tap to read more_

Hesitating, Justin pushes himself to open the email.

 **To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** RE: Fine

_I bet you looked at your friends and were jealous that you didn’t have what they have. That’s how your mom was - always wishing she had something else._

_If you really think you can go on in life knowing that I offered to talk to you and get to know you but you turned it down, then tell me now and this all ends. I guess your mom can just keep being both of your parents, although it doesn’t sound like you really know her at all._

_I get back in touch with her right now, and she and I are back together sooner than you think. Then you wouldn’t be able to escape me._

“Justin.”

_“Justin.”_

Justin’s head snaps up, looking at Charlie. “You okay?”

Justin nods, takes a breath, and then shakes his head. “I need to talk about this, but no one else knows,” he admits, looking back out at the football field. “If I tell you, do you promise not to tell anyone else about it? Not even Alex?”

Charlie sits down on the bench, eyebrows knitted in concern. “I mean, yeah, I think,” he says cautiously, which is enough for Justin.

He shoves his phone into Charlie’s hand roughly, sinking back against the back of the bench. “I’ve been getting emails from my biological father the last few days. Most of them are cryptic. Most of them are just him being a dick. But I can’t stop replying.”

He can’t bring himself to look at Charlie, who has taken the liberty to read through the past conversations prevalent through Justin’s emails. “At first I thought about ignoring them, or maybe deleting them and telling him I don’t believe him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Have you ever met him?”

Justin shakes his head. “Up until now, I didn’t even know his name,” he mumbles. “My mom never talked about him, never mentioned where he was or what he looked like. He was just… I don’t know,” he groans, gesturing to nothing with his hands. “I obviously knew I had a dad, but I also knew better than to ask questions about him.”

Charlie nods, reading carefully through the exchanges. “You haven’t told anyone about this? Not even Clay?”

Justin shakes his head. “I keep getting close to telling, and then I back out,” he admits. “If I tell Clay, he tells Matt and Lainie, who make it a big issue and probably refuse to let me see him. If I keep it a secret, I can do what I want and handle this the way I want to handle it.”

Charlie nods, handing Justin his phone back. “But at what point is it too much for you to bear on your own?” he asks. “At what point would you realize that this isn’t good for your mental health? That you can’t keep this a secret from your family?”

Opening his mouth to argue, Justin carefully relents. “I don’t know,” he whispers. He picks his phone back up, mindlessly typing a reply. “I just… I don’t know how to tell them? And what if this isn’t real? What if this is just some like, elaborate prank or something?”

“Is there any way you can find out who your biological father is?”

“A DNA test,” Justin smirks. “He didn’t sign the birth certificate, so I highly doubt any mention of him is in my CPS file. Matt and Lainie would know.”

“Which brings us back to you telling them,” Charlie sighs.

Justin nods, handing Charlie his phone back for him to read his reply before he hits send. “If this were you, what would you do?”

Charlie sighs, handing Justin his phone back and nodding. “I don’t know,” he sighs. “But I think if I felt okay about it, maybe I’d keep answering the emails. And then if it got to be too much, I’d stop,” he says. “You’ve been through so much, Justin. I don’t want to watch you spiral over this. You’ve come too far to let this bring you back.”

Justin nods, reading over the email once more. “I’ll be careful,” he promises, grateful when Charlie nods.

He presses send, standing up and grabbing his bag. “Monet’s?” he asks again, Charlie agreeing as he grabs his own things, following Justin up the stairs and back to his car.

 **To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** RE: Fine

_I never thought about wanting what my friends had. I just wanted you to stick around like a decent fucking human being. My mom was probably loyal to you. It sounds like you’re the one who couldn’t stick around when things got tough._

_I don’t live with my mom anymore. I was adopted by a different family, who care for me more than you ever have. My mom was never both parents, she was always just the one. Maybe you could’ve been better and been there for me, but you decided to run when things got even the tiniest bit difficult. Thank god I didn’t get that trait._

_Good luck finding out how to contact her. Let me know that goes. Something tells me she’ll be less than thrilled to hear from someone like you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i.... did zero favors to give Austin any redeeming qualities wow lol. i'm glad you all hate him as much as i do!
> 
> thank you so so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) you're all the best
> 
> more will be up on Friday!! 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	5. five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess and Justin talk about their future. Charlie continues to help Justin. Matt and Lainie worry.

Justin turns off email notifications temporarily and manages to not look at his inbox for three days.

He busies himself getting ahead in his classwork, studying more than he ever has before, and hanging out with Charlie and Jess, helping Charlie study the playbook and work on his footwork in preparation for his senior season while spending a majority of his time making out with Jess.

Jess entices him over for the afternoon by saying her parents weren’t home. Thinking twice about it, Justin agrees to go over, Charlie’s words running through his mind to tell Jess how he really feels.

And so when Jess leads him up to her bedroom and tugs at the hem of his shirt, Justin takes a breath. “Jess, wait.”

Jess leans back, breathless. “What is it?”

“Can we talk?” He asks. He takes a step back, sitting on her bed and sighing. “I need to talk about us.”

Jess knits her eyebrows in concern, moving to sit next to him. “What about us?”

“Is this always going to be a casual thing for us? Are you ever going to want us to be serious again?”

Jess plays with the ring on her finger, letting the questions sink in. “I don’t know,” she says quietly, forcing herself to look back at him. “Sometimes I think that we should just go for it again, be together and not think about anything else. And then I think that maybe we’re better off keeping this casual, because in the end when I go back to school, we don’t have to worry about being long distance.”

“I can’t keep this casual,” Justin stresses. “I love you, Jess. And I understood why we needed to break up when you first went to school. But if we’re going to keep doing this, I need it to be something more than just a hookup.”

Jess nods. “Have you always felt like this?”

Justin nods. “I think I convinced myself that if I didn’t say anything, I would get used to the fact that you just wanted to be friends with benefits,” he laughs. “I don’t think it would’ve ever worked, but I wanted to try because I know it was something that you wanted.”

Jess reaches over, taking his hand. “I wish you would’ve said something sooner. You shouldn’t hide how you feel just to make me happy.”

“It didn’t matter,” Justin shrugs. He flips his hand over, taking hers. “If you don’t want a serious relationship, then that’s fine. We’ll figure it out.”

Jess nods, interlacing their fingers. She lets the silence pass over them for a moment, thinking things through. “I’m willing to try to be in a relationship with you again,” she says quietly. “We didn’t break up because anything bad happened. We broke up because we were too scared to face the distance.”

Justin nods. “Are you going to want to break it off at the end of the summer?”

Jess smiles, leaning forward to kiss him softly. “I can’t get enough of your lame ass, Justin Foley. I don’t see that ending when I go back to school,” she laughs. “We’ll take those days as they come, but if you’re asking me to be your girlfriend now, then yes, absolutely.”

Justin smiles, breathing a sigh of relief. He leans forward, kissing her softly. He carefully lays her down on the bed, pulling her shirt off with ease, and for the first time in a while, Justin feels at ease.

**_______________________________**

Charlie had a bunch of college scouts looking at him. Nerves were starting to bubble over, and Justin welcomed the distraction of helping his friend relax and remind him that he could do this and helped him get through it, too.

“We’ll go through all of the plays before summer practices formally start, and you’ll have it down before you know it,” Justin promises, taking a break and wiping the sweat from his forehead onto his forearm. “You can’t be as worried about this as you seem.”

Charlie shrugs. “I am,” he admits, sitting down on the turf. “I don’t know. You had college figured out, Alex basically knew where he wanted to go, Clay was sure of himself, but my acceptance is contingent on how well I play this fall.”

“Charlie,” Justin sighs, walking over to sit beside his friend. “You’ve been the starting quarterback since your freshman year. You are ready for this, and you’re going to get into amazing schools,” he reminds him. “Besides, none of us were really sure on where we were going. You know for sure that Alex wasn’t.”

Charlie shrugs. “You always knew you wanted to stay close to home. Brown was always Clay’s dream. I don’t even know where I want to be.”

“I wanted to be near the Jensens. I was just out of treatment when we started applying to schools. I knew if I went away like Clay did, I would’ve relapsed. I needed them there to hold me accountable.”

Charlie nods. A moment of silence passes between them, and Charlie lays back on the turf. “I think if I went too far, I’d be worried about my dad,” he says quietly, stretching his arms above his head. “He hasn’t been alone since…”

Justin hums in understanding before Charlie can finish his sentence, leaning back to lay beside him. “He’d want you to be happy, though,” he replies quietly. “He wouldn’t want you to stay close to him if it’s not what you wanted.”

“I know,” Charlie nods, agreeing quietly. “It’s just the thought of him being at home alone for the first time since she died has me feeling like I want to be close enough to get home quickly. If only to check on him, because I’m sure he wouldn't tell me if he needed me.”

Justin turns to him. “You can’t settle for a school close to home because you’re scared of what you’d be leaving behind.”

“It’s pathetic, isn’t it? He’s on like, a million boards, he has so many friends, probably more of a social life than I’ll ever have, and I’m sure he’ll be okay without me.”

“He’ll miss you,” Justin promises, leaning up on his elbows. “And it’s not pathetic. I think about my mom all the time. I worry about her. I wonder if she’s okay, if she’s with guys who are abusing her like she used to be,” he admits. “Sometimes it’s so overwhelming for me to think about that, and I have to force myself to remember that she’s an adult and I’m her child, and it’s not my job to worry about her or take care of her. The same goes for you and your dad. It’s not your job to take care of him.”

Charlie nods. “When’s the last time you talked to your mom?”

“Almost a year ago,” Justin sighs. “She’s hard to keep track of now that I’m out of the system, I’m adopted, and my social worker doesn’t have to try to get in touch with her. She’s always moving around with her boyfriends, which makes it hard for Lainie to keep up with her latest address. And honestly, I think she’s just as happy I’m out of her life just as much as I’m happy I have the Jensens as my family now.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t think that,” Charlie counters. “She loved you, Justin, even if she was terrible at showing it.”

Justin sighs, staring up at the sky until the sun blurs his vision. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Have you heard anything more from your birth dad?” Charlie asks after a moment, turning his head just enough to be able to see Justin.

Justin shrugs. “I don’t know. I shut notifications off and forced myself not to look at my email the last few days.”

Charlie raises his eyebrows, reaching for the ball and tossing it up in the air. “That’s good, right? That you had enough self control to not look at your emails the last few days.”

Justin watches the ball float into the air, drifting back to Charlie’s hands. “You tell me,” he shrugs. “I still haven’t told anyone about the emails themselves, so it’s probably just as bad. All I’m doing is avoiding them.”

“Are you going to tell someone? Clay at least?”

“I don’t know,” Justin groans. “I worry that if I’ll tell him, he’ll accidentally tell Matt and Lainie or he’ll have trouble keeping it a secret.”

Charlie lets the ball land in his hands, looking back. “You have to give Clay more credit than that. He’s kept plenty of secrets before, which, no offense, have been much bigger than this.”

The statement earns a laugh from Justin, who nods. “I know. I was just planning on keeping this to myself until I figured out what to do, and then I told you. I don’t know if I’m ready to keep telling the world my personal life, at least until I figure out what I’m going to do about it. It was hard enough when I told everyone about my HIV, imagine what it’ll be like when it’s something I can control, like talking to my biological dad.”

“I get that,” Charlie nods. “I’ll keep it a secret until you’re ready, you don’t have to worry.”

“Thanks, man,” Justin smiles. He waits a moment, and then sits up. “Want to go see if he emailed me?”

Charlie sits up. “Are you sure you want to?”

“I can’t avoid it forever,” he sighs, pushing his hands through the turf. “There’s probably other more important emails I’ve been avoiding, too.”

Justin stands up, holding his hand out to help Charlie up, and together they walk back to the benches where their bags had been abandoned almost two hours ago.

Justin digs for his phone, taking a breath as he unlocks it and opens up his email. He stalls by turning notifications back on, and then goes back to his inbox.

There’s three new emails from his dad littered between other emails.

His hands shake as he scrolls, opening the first one and angling his phone so Charlie can read over his shoulder.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Fine

_Your mom was the least loyal woman I’ve ever been with. You think you can make her sound like this hero? She couldn’t have been very loyal to you if you were adopted by a new family._

_You don’t fucking know why I Ieft your mother, but your know it all attitude will get you far in life. It sounds like you ran from your mom when things got hard. Your mom never had any intentions of giving you up for adoption. Was it too hard for you to stick around for her too? She can be difficult to handle, so at least we have that in common._

_It’d be easy for me to contact her, and I guarantee you she’d be happy to hear from me. I’m sure I was the best she ever had._

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** No answer?

_Thought you’d have plenty to say after my last email, but suddenly you're speechless? You suddenly don’t care about proving me wrong. Maybe it’s because everything I said is true, and you know it._

_You’re cocky until someone calls you out, and then suddenly you retreat away from being confrontational. I praised your know it all attitude in the last email, but you’re acting cowardly now, so it seems my suspicions were wrong about you. I guess we can’t all be right all the time._

_I’d like to hear from you when you find the courage._

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Wow

_It’s been three days, and you still haven’t answered. I thought you’d give up eventually and just want to meet in person, but I didn’t think you would give up this quickly. You’re pretty weak for someone who was demanding all the answers just a few weeks ago._

_Maybe one day you’ll get over your fear and email me back, but maybe I shouldn’t hold my breath. I still believe this could be better solved in person, but if you can’t even email me back, how would we be able to do that?_

_Get over your ego and email me back. Things could just get worse if you don’t._

Justin shoves his phone into Charlie’s hand clumsily, dropping his head and trying to focus on his breathing. Charlie finishes the last of the email, setting Justin’s phone on the other side of him where Justin can’t see it.

“Hey, Justin, you need to breathe.”

“I’m _trying_ ,” Justin rasps, hand reaching clumsily out in Charlie’s direction.

Charlie takes it, squeezing. “You’re fine, it’s okay. Just take a deep breath,” he says quietly. “Can you tell me something you can feel?”

“Your hand,” Justin whispers. “The metal bench. The breeze.”

“Good, what about things you can see?”

Justin shakes his head. “My… my shoes. Your hand.”

“Good. Deep breath, Justin.”

Justin obliges, slowly calming himself down. His grip on Charlie’s hand loosens, but he doesn’t let go. “Fuck,” he whispers, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t be this anxious over a fucking email from a guy I’ve never met.”

“It makes sense,” Charlie offers. “What do you want to do? Do you want me to delete them? He threatened you, Justin. You don’t need to give him the time of day. He can’t hurt you.”

Justin shakes his head. “I want you to give me my phone so I can reply to him.”

“Justin…” Charlie says, voice trailing off. Reluctantly he reaches for Justin’s phone, handing it back to him. “Are you sure?”

Justin nods, pulling his hand away from Charlie’s and typing furiously.

“I really think you should tell Matt and Lainie,” Charlie stresses, wiping his hands on his shorts. “Or at the very least, you need to tell Clay. You can’t keep holding this in, it’s going to kill you.”

Justin pauses, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “I can’t tell them, Charlie,” he whispers, typing again. “I told you.”

“Yeah, and I’m glad you did,” Charlie says. “I just think it’s important that you have someone else you can tell. And you know Matt and Lainie won’t be upset with you if you tell them now.”

Justin drops his phone into Charlie’s hand for him to read the email before he sends it back, leaning back against the back of the bleachers.

“If I tell Matt and Lainie now, they’re going to make me stop talking to him. We don’t even know if he’s my biological father, and even if he is, it’s clearly not going well for me right now.”

Charlie fixes a sentence, looking back to Justin. “Don’t you think that if you told them things would be better for you?”

“I don’t know,” Justin breathes. “But right now, I need you to keep it to yourself.”

“Of course,” Charlie nods. “You don’t have to worry.” He hands Justin back his phone, zipping up his bag.

Justin reads it once more, hitting send and following Charlie back to the car.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Wow

_I took a break from answering you because I have a life. I’m taking a summer college class, I was hanging out with my brother and my friends, and I didn’t think about answering to you because I don’t belong to you._

_I’m not scared of you. I’m not a coward for not prioritizing you. I still don’t know that you’re being honest about being my biological father. You could have made all of this up for fun, which would be fucked up, but not surprising coming from you, who seems to like to do fucked up things like email kids and claim to be the man they ran away from._

_My mom was loyal to the people she cared about. I was adopted because I needed a new start. I needed to get away from my past and mistakes that I made. Looks like I got that from you, only you left without even trying._

_You can’t do anything to me that I haven’t already been through. You don’t scare me._

**_______________________________**

Justin stops in the house just long enough to let Matt and Lainie know he’s home and then to shower. Matt tries to get him to eat something, but Justin politely declines.

“I’m not hungry right now, Matt, but thank you.”

“Did you and Charlie stop and get something to eat?” He presses, glancing over his glasses to look at his youngest. “Clay mentioned he was going out with Ani, did you guys all meet up?”

“No, we didn’t,” Justin sighs. He hovers by the back door, bouncing on his feet. “I’m really just not that hungry right now. I’ll come get a snack soon.”

Lainie looks up from the table where she had been cutting vegetables for the week, holding a handful of veggies out for him. “At least take these. You can’t start losing all that weight again.”

Justin smiles, leaning forward to take the food. “I won’t. I’ll be back in soon,” he promises, turning to leave.

“Something is going on with him,” Matt declares. His usually calm and passive demeanor about his son has dissipated, catching Lainie off guard.

She chops another stalk of celery, putting it into a container. “Usually it’s me that says these things, and you’re the one to talk me off the ledge,” she says, amused.

“You can’t say that you don’t agree with me,” Matt sighs. “Justin and Clay have spent more time apart this week than they ever have when they’ve been in the same place, even though Clay just got back. Justin’s anxiety has been steadily increasing the last week or so, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.”

Lainie sighs, reaching for the cucumber. “I know,” she mumbles. “But Justin had been doing so well, and he’s come to us every single time something has been wrong since Clay has been gone. He won’t take his anxiety medication when I ask him if he needs it to take the edge off. Is worrying about him and prying for information breaching his trust?”

Matt turns back, leaning against the counter. “We always said that we had every right to check in if we were worried there was something going on. While I don’t know if he’s actually hiding anything, his increased anxiety paired with the fact that he insists he’s fine and he doesn’t want to take the medication prescribed to him as needed makes me think that we should be more worried than we are.”

Lainie sets the knife down, pouring the cucumber slices into a separate container. “How would you like to approach this?” She asks, looking back to her husband. “We know that asking him point blank is going to cause him to retreat into himself. Do you have any inclination of what you think is going on?”

Matt’s silent for a moment. He earmarks the recipe he’d been looking over, and rests his hands on top of the book. “I don’t want to say it, but…”

“You think maybe he’s relapsed,” she finishes, sucking in a breath. “I’d like to think that’s not true. He’s been going to meetings, and I would think he would want his anxiety medication if he was looking for a high. He was honest about his cravings and inclinations to want to use again through the school year, there’s no reason for him to stop the honesty now. But I also need to recognize that that may be me being in denial.”

Matt nods. “We never stopped the random drug tests, even when Justin was far more forthcoming about how he was doing. I think when Clay gets home this evening, it’s in our best interest to drug test both boys. Say that it’s a start of the summer drug test, and with Clay just moving back home we wanted to start on a clean slate.”

“I don’t like lying to them,” Lainie sighs. “But I’m also aware that if we’re honest, it could result in Justin acting out and Clay refusing to take the test on the grounds that he isn’t anxious and he’s been doing well since moving back home, especially because he initiated setting up meetings with Dr. Ellman for the summer.”

Matt nods. “I’ll feel better once we know that both boys are safe and healthy. And if they’re not, then we know what we need to do to get them back on track.”

“So will I,” Lainie agrees, sighing as she stands and moves to clean up the mess she made.

**_______________________________**

Tossing his bag down on his bed, Justin sits at the table in the outhouse and opens his laptop.

If he can’t figure out any other information on his birth father, the least he could do is try to find contact information for his mother in hopes that she knows anything about him, or would be willing to tell him.

It’s a long shot, Justin knows. He tried her cell phone earlier, not surprised to find it dead or missing. He was frustrated, anxious, and didn’t know if he wanted to see out the conclusion of this or let it go, telling Matt and Lainie and letting them handle it the only way they’d be able to.

So he does the one thing he’s in control of, and looks online to find out where his mom could be living.

It takes a lot of digging, questionable sites he knows he’ll have to delete from his search history, and almost an hour of silence in the outhouse, but he finally finds an arrest record.

From two months ago, for drugs. Justin stares at the mugshot, taking in the sunken eyes and slouching demeanor, and wants to slam his laptop shut. He’s so angry she hasn’t changed, hasn’t gotten the help she told him she would get, and for a minute he wants to give up trying to go about it this way.

But then he scrolls further, and finds that her address is listed. Their old house - the last place he lived with her. She must’ve moved back.

It’s a longshot, he knows. Two months is a long time for his mother, especially when the police will know her address and could bust the house for drugs. But it’s all he has, and there’s nothing more recent, and so he scrambles to write it in the notes on his phone for later in case he needs it.

The door to the outhouse swings open, slamming shut and causing Justin to jump. “Mom and Dad are coming,” Clay says, tossing his keys onto the counter as Justin slams the laptop shut, nodding. “Are you anxious again?”

“‘m fine,” Justin says, wiping his hand over his face and smiling as Matt and Lainie walk in.

Lainie sets the familiar bag down on the table across from him, looking between both boys. “As a start to summer, Matt and I want to do a drug test on both of you,” she explains, eyes flicking back between the two of them. “This is by no means being done because we think you two are hiding something. We believe it’s beneficial to know that we’re starting the summer off healthy and the two of you safe.”

“Right now?” Justin asks, setting his hands down on the counter. Matt and Lainie both look at him expectantly, and he sits up straighter. “Okay, sure. I’ll go first,” he says, standing up to take the cup and walk into the bathroom.

Clay watches him leave, and then turns to his parents. “Do you think he relapsed?”

“We don’t know,” Lainie says after a moment, looking at her husband. “We have no reason to believe that he did, but we want to start off on the right foot.”

“We never stopped doing random drug tests. Justin was subjected to them when he was here alone,” Matt says. “You know we just like this as reassurance.”

“I know,” Clay nods. He hears the toilet flush, the sink start running. “I just think it’s fitting timing when Justin’s anxiety has been awful.”

Justin returns back to the table, handing the cup over as Clay brushes by, going into the bathroom himself.

Both tests are clear.

Lainie breathes a sigh of relief, discarding everything they had used. “Thank you both,” she says, kissing their heads. “Dinner will be ready soon, we’ll text you.”

Clay turns back to Justin, leaning his hand on the table. “You good?”

“Fine,” Justin nods. He stands up, running his fingers through his hair. “Jess and I got back together.”

Clay stands up a little straighter, surprised, and then smiles. “I’m happy for you,” he says. “Are you happy about it?”

“Yeah,” Justin nods. “It feels right, being back with her. Not having it be casual.”

Clay nods. “Good, I’m glad,” he smiles. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure,” Justin nods. “Pick one, I’ll be right there.”

He waits until Clay is on the other side of the sofa sifting through their movies before turning his phone over and sucking in a breath at the notification waiting.

**NEW EMAIL: Austin Caldwell**   
_Tap to read more_

He turns back to Clay. “I’ll make popcorn,” he says, standing up and putting the bag in the microwave as he opens the email.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Fine

_Your mother’s name is Amber Foley._

_She had you when she was 22. She was a meth addict, but didn’t shy away from weed, heroin, oxy or any other pills. She floated to any guy that would give her the attention she craved and the drugs she wanted. Drinking was exactly the type of thing she did when the drugs weren’t readily available._

_She floated between Oakland and San Francisco for a while. She was homeless, or living in meth houses and crack houses and drug dealer’s homes, but then settled in Evergreen County when she had you. She had jobs here and there, tried to get clean dozens of times, but the temptation to go back on drugs was always too strong._

_Although I’m sure you’re well aware of all of these facts, aren’t you?_

_Believe me now?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> Austin is still insufferable, but that won't change lol. i hope you guys are enjoying this :)
> 
> more will be up on tuesday!!


	6. six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie draws a line, Lainie worries, Clay begins to piece things together, and Zach steps in.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Fine

_I believe you._

_All of that is true._

Charlie reads the email from Austin across the table from Justin at Monet’s, eyes wide. “Holy shit. So he’s for real.”

“There’s no way anyone would know all of that about my mom. People know some of those details, but there’s too many details there for someone to know all of them.”

Charlie nods, taking a breath. “Did you… I mean, was your life…”

“Did I grow up in crack houses? Or drug dealers homes?” Justin asks, a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips. “Yes, I did.”

Charlie nods. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I’m okay with talking about it,” Justin shrugs. “It’s part of my past, and I don’t really keep it a secret. I grew up around drugs. My mom has dated and married drug dealers. It’s just… it’s a fact about me at this point.”

Charlie’s quiet for a moment. “Is that why… do you think that’s why you were addicted to drugs?”

Justin glances back. “If you’re asking me if I blame my mom for my addiction, then no,” he says. “I think my environment made it easier for me to become addicted, but my mom never pushed me to do drugs. She never gave me the drugs or told me that my life would be better by doing them. And she was so strung out that I don’t think she realized her boyfriends were the ones giving me the drugs most of the time. I could’ve said no, though. It’s not like I was blind to what drugs did to you. My mom was on all kinds of things more than she wasn’t.”

Charlie lets the answer sink in for a moment, and then looks back to Justin. “What are you going to do next? Now that you know he’s for real.”

Justin leans back in his chair, twirling his coffee cup in his hands. “I was thinking about going back to my old neighborhood. Trying to find my mom and see if I can get any answers from her.”

Charlie’s eyes go wide. “You’re going to go back to your old neighborhood?” He asks, leaning forward. “Justin, you know going back there is like, a horrible idea, right?”

“I’m not going to get answers from anywhere else. I’m not going to be able to ask Matt or Lainie all these questions because they won’t have anything on file that tells them about my dad. My mom would know. And she would tell me.”

Justin’s voice is desperate, cutting through the quiet conversations around them. Charlie can empathize with Justin, understanding how much this means to him, but he feels the need to steer Justin in another direction, not wanting him to make a mistake that could push him further down this spiral he feels like he’s watching in slow motion.

“What if you can’t find her? What if you go back there and she’s not there?” Charlie presses. “Wouldn’t it just be better to call her?”

Justin shakes his head. “Her phone was either dead, or that’s not her number anymore,” he says quietly. “Look, if you’re worried, you can come with me. It’s not that dangerous, and I won’t make you be in any positions that could hurt you, I promise.”

Charlie shakes his head. “I’ll support you with the emails and keeping it a secret, but I can’t go along with you putting your health in danger without telling your parents just because you want answers. I’m sorry, Justin.”

Justin stares at the table, nodding. “I get it,” he says quietly. “Just promise you won’t tell anyone about the emails?”

Charlie reaches his hand across the table. “I promise, I won’t,” he says quietly. “And you know you can keep talking to me about them, right? That doesn’t have to change.”

“I know,” Justin nods.

Charlie takes a sip of his tea. “I have to go meet Alex, but maybe you should try calling Amber again. Before you go back to your old neighborhood, give her another chance to answer your calls.”

Justin takes a breath, standing up. “Okay, I’ll try,” he promises, following Charlie back out of Monet’s and back to their cars.

**_______________________________**

Justin doesn’t see Lainie sitting in the dining room when he returns home, jumping when she says hello to him.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, love,” Lainie smiles, sitting up to see over her laptop. “How was Charlie?”

“He was fine,” Justin nods, shoving his phone into his pocket. “He had to go hang out with Alex, so I came home.”

Lainie nods. “Did you do school this morning?”

“Before I left,” he says, leaning against the doorway. “Is Clay home?”

“He went for a run. He’ll be home soon,” she promises. “How are you doing, love? Come sit with me.”

Justin obliges, sinking into the chair beside her. “I’m fine. Just ready to be done with this class so I have the rest of the summer to just hang out with Clay and our friends whenever I want.”

Lainie smiles. “A few more weeks and you’ll be done. You still agree that spreading out your classes like this is the best solution?”

“Yes,” Justin nods. “I feel better during the school year having less classes to go to. I do better with the classes spread out.”

“I agree,” Lainie nods. “How is your anxiety right now? I know you’ve had a few rough days.”

Shrugging, Justin sinks into the seat. “Right now it’s okay,” he says quietly, picking at a hangnail. “But it has been pretty bad the last few days.”

“You haven’t wanted your medication when it was really bad,” Lainie says softly. “Is there a reason why?”

“I don’t like the way it makes me feel,” he shrugs. “I get really tired and spaced out. It does… it’s too much to calm me down.”

Lainie furrows her eyebrows. “Do you talk to Dr. Ellman about that when you see him? About finding a medication that doesn’t make you feel sick or lethargic? Or maybe lowering the dosage of the one you’re currently on.”

Justin shakes his head. “I don’t take it often enough for me to ask him. And it’s been a little while since I’ve seen him.”

“Let’s make that a goal next time you see him, or we could call and get you a session now.”

“I want to wait,” Justin says. “I’ll be okay, Lainie, I promise.”

Lainie looks skeptical, folding her hands together in front of her. “In the meantime, what can we do to help make managing your anxiety easier right now?” She asks. “Do you know what’s making you so anxious?”

Charlie’s words ring through Justin’s mind. He could come clean right now, shove his phone into Lainie’s hands and let her read through the emails his birth father has been sending him. They could talk about it, and she’d probably be upset that she’s hiding this, but she would help him. He wouldn’t be suffering in silence anymore.

Or he could lie to her face again, act like he has no idea why he’s so anxious, and go back to the outhouse where he can try calling his mom again.

“I think it’s just everything changing,” he says quietly. “I missed Clay so much, and I’m glad he’s home, but all of a sudden it’s like he’s here and I’m still doing school, and it’s a big transition again.”

Lainie nods like she understands, reaching out to rest her hand on his. “Transitions have always been difficult for both of you,” she comments. “I think Clay is having a little bit of a hard time adjusting as well, but your anxiety has just been a little more concerning this time around.”

“I know,” Justin nods. “And I promise if it gets worse I’ll take the medication and talk to you and Matt.”

He earns a smile from Lainie, who nods. “You know how much Matt and I love you, right?” She says, squeezing his hand. “Getting to be your parents is one of the best things that has ever happened to us. And you can tell us anything. We will always be here for you.”

Justin feels guilty for lying. He knows that’s not her intention, but for a moment he thinks about the disappointment she’ll feel if she finds this out.

“I’m really glad you’re my parents, too,” he says, and he means it. “You changed my life. You made it so much better. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she smiles, holding their hands together for a moment. “You don’t have to sit with me while I do boring work. Go enjoy the nice day.”

Justin smiles, standing up and looking at his phone once more. “Zach asked if we could meet to talk about football. Is it okay if I go?”

“Yes,” Lainie smiles. “Be safe, call if you need me.”

Justin smiles, walking back out the front door and back out to the car.

**_______________________________**

Zach’s mapping out plays on the bleachers when Justin arrives, sitting beside him. “Working on anything good?”

Zach glances over. “Coach is worried about Charlie getting injured. He’s got more of a target on his back this year with the college scouts looking at him, so we’re coming up with a few more creative plays to make sure he’s protected and can show off his talent.”

“So why did you need me here?”

“Because you know Charlie almost as well as I do,” he says simply, looking at him. “And because Charlie said you need to get out of the house and out of your own head.”

“Why would he say that?”

“I don’t know,” Zach shrugs. “But he’s worried about you.”

Justin’s heart sinks. He doesn’t think Charlie would go behind his back like that, would betray his trust with a secret like this. But Zach is Justin’s best friend, and Charlie is close with him as well. Justin doesn’t want to believe that Charlie would go to these lengths. “Why would he be worried about me?”

Zach shakes his head, erasing a mark and starting over. “I don’t know,” he replies. “All he said was that you’ve been going through some shit, and he’s worried that you’re keeping it all to yourself. You want to talk about it?”

Justin turns his body to lay across the bleachers. “I definitely do not want to talk about it.”

“Why not? You tell me everything. We tell each other everything.”

Justin sighs. “Because I know that if I tell you, you’ll tell me to stop being an idiot and tell Matt and Lainie. And then you’ll put an end to it, and I really think I need to figure this out on my own.”

Zach laughs. “So you have it all figured out then?”

“I do,” Justin says. “Besides, you didn’t tell me about your drinking last year.”

Zach shakes his head. “No, but that was different.”

“It really wasn’t.”

Glancing at Justin, Zach shoves his shoulder. “Fine, I’m not going to press you to talk about this. Should I be worried about you, though?”

“I don’t want you to be,” Justin shrugs.

“That doesn’t answer the question, Foley,” Zach smirks. “Should I be worried?”

Justin shrugs. “No more than you usually are,” he decides, but they both know it’s a lie.

“Okay,” Zach obliges, humoring Justin. “But stop getting so up in your head, and think about your next actions. And if you ever want to come clean and talk about what ever the fuck is going on, then you know I’m here for you, right? At any time of the day.”

“I do,” Justin nods, sitting up.

Zach puts the playbook in Justin’s lap. “Good. Now memorize this play so when Charlie and Alex get here in an hour you can help Charlie run it,” he smirks, clapping him on the back and standing up to go run.

**_______________________________**

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** :)

_Now that you believe me, how do we move forward? Will you finally meet me in person? Or will you keep prolonging this over email hoping that I’ll just tell you all about me and why I’m contacting you out of the blue._

_Something tells me that you’re going to want to keep this over email. I don’t talk to cowards, so I’m hoping you’ll make the right decision._

_I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up over you._

Justin reads through the email again. Knowing that this man is his real father sends chills down Justin’s spine.

He wonders if he’s like him. If he has the same traits. If he looks like him, if he would be the same when it came to running when things got hard.

He likes to think he wouldn’t be. That he’s been through enough tough moments, and he got through them.

But he ran away from his mom when things got hard. He found it easier to live as a homeless teenager than he did just staying with her and figuring out how to get clean and make it out alive. Instead he got a glimmer of hope through the Jensens, who bailed him out and got him off the streets when he needed it the most.

He wonders if his dad went through something like that and have someone save him the way he was saved. He wonders how old he was, or if Justin was far younger than his dad would have been. He doesn’t think those are the kinds of questions that his dad will answer over email.

And somehow that makes him more nervous.

Pausing on answering him back, Justin tries to call his mom again. He’s not surprised to find it go straight to voicemail, slamming his phone down on the counter and sighing.

“You okay?”

“Jesus, Clay,” Justin jumps, looking back to his brother. “You have to stop doing that.”

“You have to stop being on edge,” Clay replies, sitting down on his bed. “What the fuck is going on with you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Justin shrugs, shaking his head and walking to the bathroom without a word.

Clay waits until the door clicks shut, standing up and walking to look at Justin’s phone.

Justin’s call history is still on his screen. Normal calls litter the screen - a few from Lainie, a few from Zach and Charlie, one from himself - but the most recent call sends Clay’s heart racing.

He had tried to call his mom today. Twice.

He doesn’t hear Justin come back from the bathroom, but instead watches as his phone is snatched away from in front of him.

“Why were you calling Amber?”

“You had no fucking right to be looking through my shit, Clay.”

“We’ve all been worried about you!” Clay cries out. “Mom and Dad are worried because you refuse your meds and keep telling them you’re fine when you’re clearly not. You won’t talk to me, you won’t tell Zach what’s going on. How am I supposed to know you’re okay?!”

“You don’t need to worry about me, Clay,” Justin says with a low voice, sitting down on his bed. “Mom and Dad don’t need to worry about me, either. No one does.”

Clay looks back to him. “Yeah, well, we do. And you can’t stop us. We love you, Justin. That’s not just going to stop.”

Justin leans back against his pillows. “You still had no right to go through my phone.”

“You left your call history up on the screen. I didn’t touch it at all,” Clay counters, a knowing smirk on his face. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have looked at it. But you won’t tell us anything. You’re shutting us out, and you’re getting worse.”

Justin doesn’t answer. Clay shifts, watching him, and then sighs.

“Justin, why were you calling Amber?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please, Justin,” Clay pleads. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Justin pulls the blanket over him, turning his back to face his brother. “She was calling me. Strung out. I just wanted to know if she was okay. I still worry about her.”

The lie comes too easily. Justin immediately regrets it, but doesn’t bring himself to correct it.

“Mom can help you find out if she’s okay, you know. She has a way to get in contact with her.”

Justin turns quickly. “Please, Clay. Please don’t tell her,” he says, voice cracking as he pleads with him. “Just give me a chance to figure this out.”

“Justin…”

“Clay, I’ll do anything.”

“Okay,” Clay says uneasily, shifting. “Okay, I won’t say anything.”

Justin nods, thanking him and turning back on his side.

He falls asleep, and for the first time in a while, Clay leaves him be.

**_______________________________**

“I’m worried about you.”

“Charlie,” Justin sighs.

Charlie holds his hands up in defeat, leaning back against the sofa in the outhouse. “I’m just saying. This isn’t getting better. This isn’t you handling it or dealing with it. This is you shutting everyone out and trying to do too much.”

Justin takes a breath. “You told Zach you were worried about me.”

“Because you tell him everything, and I thought if he knew I was worried and talked to you, you would tell him, too.”

“This can’t be something he knows. He’ll take Matt and Lainie’s side.”

“And so would Clay?”

Justin nods.

Charlie takes a breath, like he’s contemplating about saying it, and then takes a leap of faith. “If they’d all take your parents side, what does that say about what’s happening?”

“So you think I should tell everyone what’s happening and let them deal with it the way they think I should?” Justin presses. There’s a hint of annoyance laced behind his words, his head falling dramatically back against the arm of the sofa.

Charlie bites back a smile. “I think you should do what you think is best,” he says simply. “I said I drew the line at you going to see your mom, but I support the rest. Telling Zach I was worried about you wasn’t smart of me, and I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I can tell you to your face without involving other people.”

Charlie waits a minute, and then looks back to Justin. “Maybe you should think about ending this. Or saying that you can’t do this if he’s going to keep threatening you.”

Looking up, Justin sighs. “I want answers.”

“And you can still get them. But you take back control of the narrative, and you can hopefully feel less anxious and still get what you need from this.”

Contemplating, Justin reaches for his phone. He types out a response, handing his phone to Charlie to read over.

“Perfect,” Charlie smiles, handing him his phone back to hit send.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Stop

_This can’t go on if you’re going to keep attacking me and calling me a coward._

_I want answers. I have a lot of questions that I deserve to have answered since you unwillingly came into my life. But I’m not going to let you belittle me just so you can feel better about yourself._

_Unless you can treat me like a human being and not say things that are aimed to hurt me, then I can’t do this anymore._

Justin looks back at Charlie. “I don’t blame you for telling Zach. I get it, I’ve been pretty bad with this. And even though I don’t agree with how you went about it, telling Zach was the right next step,” he smirks. “I didn’t tell him, though. So you’re going to have to keep it to yourself.”

“Fine,” Charlie nods. “Whatever you need, okay? But will you please think about telling them? Whether you decide to continue talking to him or not, I think they should know.”

Justin sinks further into the cushion. “I’ll think about it,” He agrees quietly, turning on a movie before Charlie protests further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best :)
> 
> this was more of a filler chapter, but more happens next chapter, promise! these little moments just needed to be set up to move the story along a little.
> 
> see you on Friday!!


	7. seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin gets sick and Clay pieces it all together.

There are constants that Lainie takes for granted.

Clay has an easier time studying for his classes. He uses study techniques Matt passed down, outlining and highlighting his notes meticulously in preparation for exams or term papers.

Justin prefers to wing studying for his classes. After growing up never learning study habits, he finds himself lost when it comes to adequately preparing. He reads over his notes, often messy and disorganized, and talks to himself quietly while tugging at his hair anxiously. Lainie has stepped in on numerous occasions, spending long hours quizzing him and helping him organize his thoughts better, but nothing ever sticks the way it does for Clay.

Clay is more forthcoming with his feelings. While he does hide things - Lainie isn’t naive to the fact that she doesn’t know everything about her son - it’s a lot easier to get him to talk about what’s bothering him. She savors those moments, grateful that they’re building trust and things are getting better, but knows they have a long way to go.

As a result of his childhood, Justin hides everything. He’s a constant work in progress, continually working on being forthcoming and building the same trust his brother has, but it’s not always easy. There are so many nights Lainie goes to sleep with her heart aching, desperately wishing she could ease the pain and anxiety of her youngest son.

Clay is always more alert in the morning. Often going for runs before breakfast, he’s happier to help Matt get food on the table for the family before they go their separate ways for the day. There are mornings he has a lot to say, filling the conversation at the table on behalf of everyone else.

Justin is a nightowl. He prefers staying up late, watching movies or playing games on his phone. It’s a habit Lainie and Matt have spent most of the last year trying to break. Breakfast is a struggle, and Justin almost always stumbles into the kitchen half asleep in the morning.

Lainie chooses to spend the day working from home, and isn’t overly concerned that Justin hasn’t yet greeted her in the dining room that morning. His laptop and notebook for school lay untouched a few seats down, and as she glances at the time, she starts thinking about going to check to see if he’s getting up.

She hears the back door shut before she sees which boy it is, but judging by the footsteps that sound sluggish, Lainie thinks she knows.

“Getting up late for school today, are we?” Lainie smirks, glancing up to see Justin standing in the entryway.

“Guess so,” he replies, but his voice is weak and Lainie looks up, growing more concerned.

“What’s wrong? You’re pale, love.”

“My stomach hurts,” he shrugs, sitting down gingerly in the chair beside her.

Lainie studies the way he drapes his arm carefully over his right side, reaching forward to feel his forehead. “Hurts how? Can you be more specific?”

“Like someone is stabbing me repeatedly,” Justin whispers. “I can’t sit or lay down in any way that makes it bearable.”

“If one was no pain and ten was the worst pain you could ever imagine in your entire life, what number do you think you would fall at?”

Justin thinks about the question for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut. “Like a six or seven, I guess,” he whispers.

“Is it just your belly hurting you? Or is there anything else?”

“I feel nauseous,” he shrugs. “But maybe that’s just from the pain.”

“When did you start feeling like this?” She asks, glancing at him.

Justin sighs. “Last night after I took my meds, but it didn’t really hurt until this morning,” he says quietly. “But it wouldn’t be from that, right? I’ve been taking them for almost a year and the side effects have been gone since the beginning.”

“You theoretically could be rejecting the medication,” she thinks out loud, “but your symptoms aren’t consistent with what that would look like.” Lainie types furiously on her computer, glancing at her son. “Point to where the pain is.”

Justin’s hands shake as he moves to point at his right side, confirming Lainie’s fears.

“Okay, listen to me, love,” she says carefully, reaching out to brush his hair back. “You have a fever, you’re in a lot of pain, and you’re nauseous. Where your pain is could be very serious, and I think it’s in our best interest if we go to the emergency room.”

Justin sits up, alarmed, and winces. “No, Lainie, please,” he begs. “Isn’t there anything I could take here? Please? I’ll feel better once I have something to take the edge off the pain.”

“Love, I don't think any amount of Tylenol that would be safe for me to give you is going to take the edge off your pain,” she sighs, smiling sympathetically. “I promise you, I’ll be with you the whole time. We can call Matt or ask Clay to come along, if you think that would make you feel better.”

“No, I don’t want them to come,” he says quietly. “There’s nothing we can do here?”

“I don’t think so,” she sighs, brushing her fingers along his cheek. “At best it’s just a medication issue and we’ll be home soon, but I’d feel better if we got you checked out sooner rather than later. I’ll get your insurance card and text Clay to let him know that we’re going and not to worry, you go get in the car.”

She stands up, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before he stands up to follow her.

**_______________________________**

As it turns out, Justin has appendicitis.

After prolonging the inevitable, Lainie does inform Matt and Clay, who come to the hospital quickly, just before Justin is taken up for surgery.

“I need to email my teachers,” Justin says quietly, tapping his finger with the pulse monitor attached against the side of the bed.

Clay watches, looking at him. “You’re on pain meds and drugs to help you relax, which means your email would make no sense.”

“I can email your teacher for you, Justin. Let him know that you’re having emergency surgery and you’ll be away from class for a few days,” Matt offers. “You’re not the first student this has happened to, I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”

Justin turns to look at him, shaking his head. “No, I want it to come from me. Not my… my dad.”

“I can write it for you,” Clay says. “I’ll go onto your school email and do it for you while you’re in surgery. That way it’ll sound like it came from you, and it’ll make sense.”

Justin takes a breath. “Okay,” he agrees. “My school email is already logged in on my phone. My teacher is the last email in my inbox. Just um, just unlock it and type.”

Clay nods, standing up when the nurses go to bring him back. “We’ll see you when you wake up.”

Justin nods, letting Lainie kiss his head and Matt squeeze his hand, and together the remaining three family members go to the waiting room to wait it out.

**_______________________________**

Clay takes Justin’s phone from his mom, sitting down in the corner of the scarcely crowded waiting room. He’s always known Justin’s phone password, but before he has a chance to plug it in, he stops.

There’s a notification on his lockscreen that catches his attention.

**NEW EMAILS: Austin Caldwell**   
_Tap to read more_

He unlocks the screen, moving through to find Justin’s personal email app.

In between the sporting goods store coupons and junk mail, Justin’s inbox is littered with emails from a man named Austin Caldwell. He scrolls down, finding the first one, and reads the email.

Keeping a straight face is hard, Clay finds.

This man who’s been emailing Justin is claiming to be his biological father. That he wants to meet with him, talk to him, discuss why he left. Clay doesn’t believe it at first. He thinks it’s some elaborate scam his brother fell for.

And then he finds the email that gives all the information about his mother. He reads through it, facts that Justin hasn’t said and facts that Clay’s known for years, and his heart is caught in his throat.

This is why Justin has been so anxious. This is why he’s been on edge and irritable. It’s what he’s been hiding when he snatches his phone away, and probably why he’s been calling his mom the last few days.

He looks up at his parents sitting across from him.

His mom is going through emails on her phone, and his dad is on the phone, presumably with work.

He looks at the emails once more, resisting the urge to read the newest emails that came through just before surgery.

As he promised, he emails Justin’s teacher from his school email, explaining the situation with the promise to keep him updated when he’s feeling up to logging back in and that all work will be made up once he’s feeling better.

He locks Justin’s phone, shoves it into his pocket, and stares at the ceiling until the doctor returns to let them know Justin is in recovery.

**_______________________________**

Only Matt and Lainie are allowed in the recovery room. Clay busies himself by letting their friends know what’s going on, politely declining their offers to come sit at the hospital and take turns visiting him. Justin would be discharged in the morning, and with him not feeling well right now, he believes it’s best to give him some space at the moment.

Matt comes to get him after an hour, walking down the quiet halls of the post-surgical unit and up towards Justin’s new floor. “He’s not feeling great. They had to give him medication to control the nausea in recovery, and his fever is a little elevated. But the doctors say he’s stable, and as long as we let him rest, we can all stay with him in his room and spend time together, at least for a little while.”

“Did he say anything funny when he was waking up?”

“Clay,” Matt chides lightly, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “He did, but I’ve promised your mother we won’t speak of it,” he admits. “He asked for you a few times.”

Clay steps into the elevator, nodding. He follows his dad down the hall and into Justin’s room, where Lainie is sat by Justin’s bed holding his hand.

“He’s in and out, a little irritable and in some pain, but he’ll be happy to see you,” she says quietly, standing up to let Clay take her place.

Clay reaches forward, taking Justin’s hand carefully. His eyes trail along the IV stuck in the back of his hand up to the bag that’s giving him fluids, then to the heart monitors snaking out from under his hospital gown, and then he moves back to stare at his brother’s face, still half covered by the nasal cannula.

Sensing Clay’s questions, Matt speaks up. “The extra monitors and the oxygen will be coming off soon,” he says, bringing a chair over to the side of the bed. “He was having a little bit of trouble coming out of the anesthesia, they think maybe because of his past drug use. They just want to monitor him a little longer, and give him some extra support breathing.”

Clay nods, glancing up at his father before turning back to Justin. “I’m here now,” he sighs, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the bed.

**_______________________________**

Most of the afternoon is spent with Justin coming in and out of consciousness, amusing the nurses by eating and drinking when they need him to, and getting up and walking around despite the pain. He complains more than normal, willingly accepting Matt’s offer to hold his hand and squeeze through the pain or the washcloth Lainie pushes across his forehead to help soothe his fever.

Clay hangs back, letting his brother be doted on and counting down the minutes until he’s able to be with him alone and finally talk about the emails.

But his parents are skeptical about stepping out to get them dinner from the cafeteria downstairs, leaving the two of them for a short time.

“You’ll be gone like, twenty minutes, I’m here with him, and there are nurses everywhere. Nothing will happen,” Clay argues.

“I’ll be fine with Clay. Go get dinner,” Justin agrees, and so reluctantly they agree, kissing both boys' heads and stepping out.

Clay waits until the door closes before turning back to his brother. “I emailed your professor.”

“Thank you,” Justin breathes, running his finger over the pulse monitor.

Clay takes a breath, forcing himself to talk. “You also had notifications on your phone. From your personal email,” he says, watching Justin shift and try to sit up. “Justin, your biological dad has been contacting you?”

Justin sucks in a breath, humming in pain at the sudden movement. “I didn’t want you to know,” he whispers. “Did you tell Mom and Dad?”

“No,” Clay says quietly. “And I won’t tell them. But you need to.”

“I can’t,” Justin mumbles. “You know if I tell them they’ll make me stop talking to him or they’ll step in and mediate the emails, and then I’ll never get the answers from him about what he wants or why he’s contacting me now.”

Clay’s silent for a moment. “You can’t keep this to yourself. It’s driving you insane, Justin. Your anxiety has been through the roof, you’re refusing your meds to help bring you down from the anxiety, and it’s pretty clear you’re not handling everything he’s been telling you well at all.”

Justin shifts his legs, staring at the sheets. “Charlie knows,” he admits quietly. “When I started spiraling, I knew I needed to tell someone. Zach was too close, but Charlie was just close enough that I felt comfortable.”

Clay nods. “Is there a reason you felt like you couldn’t tell me?”

Justin looks back at him, sighing. “You’re my brother. I love you, I knew you’d want to help and support me, but it felt too close.”

Clay chews on his lip. “You felt like I’d be too protective,” he says carefully, looking back to his brother.

Justin almost looks relieved, nodding. “Yeah, exactly,” he smiles. “I love you, and I know that you have this need to protect me after everything I’ve been through. Even though you know I can take care of myself, this isn’t something you would have agreed with.”

“It’s definitely not,” Clay agrees, laughing. “I get why you were scared of telling me.”

“I’m guessing you read the emails?”

“I couldn’t help it,” Clay admits. “I didn’t read the three he sent you that were unread, but I read the others.”

“And?”

“He’s a dick,” Clay smirks, apologizing when Justin laughs and then winces at the pain. “He’s mentally abusing you because he knows he can, and that’s fucked up.”

Justin shrugs. “Maybe this is sick and twisted, but I can’t bring myself to put an end to it because I want to know the answers now,” he sighs. “It had to have been a lot of trouble figuring out how to get in contact with me. I have to believe that no one is that fucked up to go to those lengths without something in return.”

Clay treads carefully thinking about what to say. In the past, Justin has put himself in abusive situations because it’s what he believed he’s deserved. It’s something he’s been working through, but it never really has gone away.

He takes a breath, leaning forward to take his brother’s hand. “Do you think you want to keep this from Mom and Dad because when they see the full details, they’ll rip it away from you?” He asks quietly. “Justin, they’re going to classify this as you mentally abusing yourself. You’re letting him speak to you in a way that you don’t deserve because you know he’ll give you answers.”

Justin twists, ignoring the pain through his abdomen. “If I tell them, they’ll tell me that I shouldn’t talk to him and that no answers he gives me are worth the mental abuse he puts me through,” he explains, wincing and squeezing Clay’s hand. “And maybe they’re right. They probably are, to be honest, but that won’t stop me from spending the rest of the time wondering what it is that he wanted.”

“Maybe the anxiety has been horrible. Maybe it’s been too much for me to take and I’m not doing great right now, but I think it would be a whole lot worse if suddenly this communication were to stop without me learning about him or what he wants from me. An almost 19 year old who doesn’t even live with his mother anymore.”

“Did you ever think about your dad before all of this?”

Justin shrugs. “Yeah, a few times. Mainly when I was little. A lot of the time when I was at Bryce’s,” he says. “I used to wonder if he lived in a big mansion like Bryce did, but I don’t think that would have been true.”

He’s silent for a moment, reaching for the water. “I guess it doesn’t really matter about the past, though,” he says quietly. Clay can tell he’s getting tired, but doesn’t put a stop to this conversation. “What matters now is that he’s contacted me, telling me he wants to get back in touch, and now it’s like I have the opportunity to get all the answers I didn’t know I wanted. I’ve come too far in these emails to not get peace now.”

In a twisted way, Clay understands. Normally he’d be protective. He’d tell his brother that this was idiotic, that it wasn’t going to solve anything and he’d be struggling with the unknown for far longer than it would be worth. But this time, he doesn't agree with that. He sees the desperation in his brother, and he thinks he’d be the same way.

Against all of his better judgment, Clay leans forward. “What do you need me to do to help you?”

Justin brightens, blinking slowly. “Not tell Mom and Dad,” he says carefully. “And help me read the three emails he’s sent today?”

Clay nods, pulling Justin’s phone from his pocket and handing it to his brother.

Justin opens the emails with ease, moving gingerly on the bed so Clay can sit with him and they can read together.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Stop

_Fair enough. I can respect a man that sticks up for himself. While I still think it’s in your best interest to just meet me in person, I won’t call you a coward._

_At least you’ve continued emailing me back. More than I thought I would get at the start._

_Like I’ve said before, you’ll get the answers when we meet in person. I’m not doing this over email, and I think that’s a fair thing to say._

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Fact

_Did your mother ever tell you I got in touch with her?_

_You must’ve been about five. I asked her how she was doing, if you were still with her. That bitch ignored my emails, but then came crawling back for money when things got tough and you were older. Like she actually thought I’d help her out after I tried to be nice._

_She’d come crawling back now if it meant knowing that we could all be in touch again. And I have the means to support her now, which would make her happy._

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** ??

_You ask for me to not treat you as a coward, and I manage to give you a compliment saying that at least you email me back. But my last two emails have gone unanswered._

_Do you have cold feet? Are you trying to make me go back on my word? If you think the silent treatment will make me want to answer your questions over email, then you’re wrong. It’ll only make me less likely to tell you anything._

_Answer me soon._

Justin sighs. “I’m so tired.”

“Want me to answer him?” Clay offers, stepping in for a moment.

Justin shakes his head, fingers shaking as he types back and then gives to Clay to read before he hits send. “When you’re done, can you ask if I can have pain meds?”

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: ???

_I’m in the hospital. I had my appendix out this afternoon._

_I’ll answer your emails later. Right now I’m going to sleep._

Clay nods, hitting send for his brother. “There, sent,” he says, and before he has a chance to move to find a nurse, their parents are walking back through the door, setting soup for Justin on the tray.

“Oh, Clay, honey, I don’t know if you should be laying with Justin like that,” Lainie sighs, setting their dinner down on the table in his room. “Justin, love, are you in pain?”

Justin shakes his head, and then winces. “I mean, I’m uncomfortable no matter how I lay,” he sighs. “Clay’s not making it any worse.”

“Clay, get off the bed and let Justin eat. Justin, love, we’ll see if we can find you a comfortable position,” she says softly, moving Justin’s tray in front of him. “Do you think you can stomach a little bit of soup?”

“I can try,” Justin nods. “Can we ask if I can have pain medication after I eat?”

“Sure,” She smiles, helping him get settled before moving to eat her own dinner.

Clay shares a glance with his brother, and then studies him for a moment.

He feels an overwhelming need to protect him. Now that he knows what’s going on, he feels the least he can do is stand by his brother and honor his requests to keep this from their parents.

For now, he thinks it’s the least he can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the AGONY of not being able to tell you guys Clay was closer than you all thought was killing me, lol. i wanted to end your suffering, but didn't want to ruin it!
> 
> now Clay knows! and now he'll struggle with doing the right thing or staying on his brother's side. 
> 
> thank you all for the comments/kudos! i can't wait for you to read more :) 
> 
> see you guys on tuesday :) <3 <3 <3


	8. eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin recovers at home, and Clay tries to help with the emails.

At Lainie’s insistence, Justin moves back into the main house when he’s released from the hospital the day after his surgery. She takes a few days off of work, meticulously following the medication dosing schedule the doctors came up with, taking care of Justin as he adjusts to being home, and relaxing more than she has in years.

Justin insists on watching true crime documentaries throughout the day. He’s in and out of sleep, but when he’s fully awake he’s full of questions, asking details about the crimes and how Lainie would’ve represented the case.

It’s a welcomed conversation, one that Lainie didn’t think she’d ever have. “She’d be subjected to a fair trial, but because there’s not much evidence in the DA’s favor that she did intentionally kill her husband, they’re going to have a hard time prosecuting her.”

“But you agree that she totally killed him on purpose, right?”

Lainie’s unable to suppress her laugh, looking back to her son. “I agree, she definitely did it on purpose.”

Clay walks in, squeezing in by Justin’s feet. “Hey! You’re not supposed to be pushing me around. I’m recovering.”

“I barely touched you!”

Lainie sighs, watching. “Clay, please be careful. Justin is just out of the hospital and doesn’t feel well. Moving him around too quickly or too roughly will hurt him.”

Clay sinks back against the cushions, sighing. “I didn’t touch him that hard. His reaction was a little bit dramatic.”

“Justin, you don’t have to be as dramatic as you just were,” Lainie smiles. “I was watching the whole thing, and he didn’t touch you hard enough for it to hurt or jostle the way you were laying.”

Justin sighs, nodding as he turns back to look at Clay. “There’s like four other places in this room to sit, and yet you’re making me move my legs to make room for you.”

“I wanted to be near you,” Clay shrugs. “You’re watching true crime documentaries?”

Justin nods, stretching his feet across Clay’s lap. “We are. Lainie and I both agree that this woman definitely killed her husband on purpose. But they’re not going to be able to prove it because she somehow tied up all the evidence they could’ve used in the case. Every time they get a lead, it sends them back in circles.”

Clay nods, turning back to look at the TV.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think your brother was going to be a forensic investigator,” Lainie smiles. Standing up, she looks to both of her boys. “Justin, I’m going to make you some soup. You can have pain medicine after that.”

Justin nods, watching her leave only to have Matt come join both boys. “True crime, huh kiddo? You’ve made your mother really happy with this choice.”

“It’s the one thing that’s half entertaining on TV since I can’t do anything else,” he shrugs, pulling the blanket up further. “It’s starting to hurt.”

“You're close to being allowed more medicine. Take a breath, readjust the pillow on your side. You’re okay,” he promises, watching Justin do as he was told, Clay’s careful eyes on him. “I’m going to help Mom with the soup, see if we can get it done faster so you can have your medication.”

He stands up, Clay’s eyes watching until he’s in the kitchen before he turns back to his brother. “Have you told Mom about your birth dad?”

Justin sinks against the pillow. “No, Clay. We were having a good morning. I thought it would really ruin it if I brought up the fact that a man I’ve never met suddenly wants to meet me.”

“Justin.”

“Clay,” Justin retorts. “I just had an organ taken out of my body, you have to be nice and not annoy me about this.”

“The organ you had removed was unnecessary. You can live without it, you’ll be fine,” Clay retorts. “You have to tell her.”

“I _will_ ,” He sighs. “I don’t feel good, do we have to talk about this?”

“We have to talk about this until you finally tell them.”

Justin sits up, chewing on his lip. “And what happens then? Okay, so they’ll know. They’ll want to read the emails, they’ll see how he talks to me and how he wants me to meet him in person, and they’ll put an end to it,” he rattles off. “All that’s going to do is make me want to see him more, and I’ll go behind their back and probably get in trouble, and there’s no guarantee I’ll get the answers I want even then.”

Clay sighs. “You don’t know that they’re going to put an end to it. You don’t know that they’ll say you can’t see him, or that you have to stop speaking to him,” he argues. “You’re an adult, Justin. And they love you and want the best for you, but they wouldn’t ban you for doing something just because you want to do it and it’s potentially unsafe.”

He falls back against the pillows, wincing. “They worry about me all the time, and they have a right to,” he sighs. “They hear about me talking to my birth dad knowing the kinds of people my mom brought around? There’s no way they won’t think that I’m putting my mental health in danger by doing this.”

Clay leans back, glancing into the kitchen. “We’re never going to agree on this. But I worry about you, and knowing what I know now and realizing that this is why you’ve been so anxious, I want to help you,” he breathes. “Mom and Dad would be better at this than I ever will be, and they’ll want to help you cope with this and understand this. But it needs to come from you. You need to be the one to do this.”

Justin nods. Before he has a chance to reply, Matt and Lainie return with soup, handing both boys a bowl and joining them to watch the rest of the documentary before another one starts.

**_______________________________**

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE:???

_I’m feeling a little better today, so I’ll answer your email. But I may not answer very quickly the next few days since I sleep most of the time._

_My mom never said anything about you getting in touch with her. Out of everything she’s ever told me, this seems like one of those things she would’ve mentioned. You say that you wouldn’t help her out when she asked you for it after she ignored you before, but you’re lucky she didn’t come after you for child support._

_I think the emails would’ve been more than enough evidence to prove that you were my biological father, although I’m sure she would’ve subjected me to a DNA test just to get the proof. If nothing else, the money from child support could’ve funded her drug addiction you must’ve known she had._

_I don’t think she’d really give a fuck if you got back in touch now. She has a new man in her life, one that gives her what she wants. She didn’t care when I went back to her, so I don’t really think you’d change anything. She doesn’t need your support._

_I don’t talk to my mom anymore, so you saying that we could all be in touch again doesn’t mean anything. I have a much better life now that I’m adopted, and I’m not going to start a relationship with her just because you want to pretend to be the hero biological father after almost 19 years and reunite all of us._

After eating his soup and watching another true crime documentary with the family, Justin makes his way upstairs to Clay’s old bedroom to nap before dinner. Lainie promised to be up to check on him, but when the door opens, he’s surprised to see Clay walk in.

“If you’re here to talk about telling Matt and Lainie about the emails, then go away. I’m supposed to be sleeping.”

He feels the bed dip beside his feet. “We don’t have to talk about that,” he says quietly. “Well, not about telling them. I just… did your mom ever mention your dad?”

Justin shifts carefully, parting his eyes. “No, she never said anything,” He shrugs. “I remember asking one time, and she just told me that he was a horrible man and if I ever asked about him again, she’d be very upset. I was 6 I think? And I knew better than to go against what she wanted.”

Clay nods. “What would happen if we tried to get in touch with her again? Ask again about him? It’s not like she can threaten you or hurt you now, you’re part of our family now.”

Shrugging, Justin sighs. “I’ve called her so many times since my dad started emailing me. She hasn’t answered one of them, and most of them just went straight to voicemail,” he says quietly. “I guess we could try one more time, but if she doesn’t answer this time, then you have to promise me you’ll give it up and we don’t try this again.”

Clay relents. “Okay, yeah. I think I can agree to that.”

Justin narrows his eyes, wincing as he reaches for his phone. “I’m serious, Clay. I love you, you know that, and I want to let you in on this now that you know. But if you keep pressing me to do things that aren’t going to get us any answers, I’m going to stop telling you things.”

Clay grabs Justin’s phone for him, nodding. “I promise you that if this doesn’t work, I won’t bring it up again.”

Justin nods, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his contacts. “Lock the door. Matt and Lainie don’t need to walk in on the two of us calling my mom. It would kind of ruin the whole ‘I don’t want to tell them’ thing I have going on right now.”

Rolling his eyes, Clay gets up and agrees to his brother’s request, coming back to the bed as Justin sits up, hitting his mom’s contact and taking a breath. “I’ll put it on speaker, but you have to promise me that you won’t say anything,” he says, thumb hovering over the dial button. “I can’t promise you that she’ll be pleasant or sober or whatever.”

“I’ll be quiet,” Clay promises, voice serious as he looks at his brother. “I promise you, okay. I promise I’m not going to interfere with this. I want to help you.”

Justin nods, blocking his number and hitting call before he can back out of this.

It rings three times, and Justin sets himself up to go to voicemail again.

But it doesn’t.

Instead it picks up, a beat of silence before a voice speaks up. “Hello?”

“Hi, Mom,” Justin says quietly.

“Justin, baby?”

Glancing at Clay, Justin takes a breath. “Yeah, Mom. It’s me.”

“Baby, where are you? You’ve been gone so long.”

Her voice is distant, faint and breathy and Justin immediately knows that she’s high. He chews on the corner of his lip, avoiding his brother’s gaze. “I don’t live with you anymore, remember? I was adopted,” he says carefully. “Mom, I just have a question for you. We don’t have to talk long, I know you probably have better things to do.”

“I wish you’d come home, baby,” she sighs. “You’d be so good to have here. Seth’s been better, baby. He won’t hurt you anymore. He’d let you help him now that you’re an adult. You’re an adult now, right?”

“Yeah, Mom,” Justin sighs. He taps his fingers against the bed, leaning back against the pillow. “Mom, what do you know about my biological dad?”

The line is silent, and for a moment Justin thinks maybe she hung up. “Is that why you called me?” She asks quietly. “You didn’t want to talk to me, you just wanted to get answers out of me.”

“I need to know Mom, okay? Can you please just answer me? Tell me what you know about him?”

“You should never talk to that man, Justin. He was horrible to me, and he didn’t know you. You don’t need to know anything about him.” Her voice grows more distant, and Justin chews on his lip until he tastes blood. “You should’ve never called me asking about him. Do you know what Seth would do if he heard me talking about that man?”

“Does Seth know him? I thought you said Seth changed.”

“No,” she says quickly. “And he won’t know about him if you keep quiet.” She pauses, a shaky breath leaving her lips. “Seth has changed, baby. He’d be so happy to have you back here.”

“We both know that’s not true, Mom,” Justin sighs. Clay shifts in front of him, ready to step in if he needs it. “He wouldn’t want to see me again, and I’m happy where I am now,” he says quietly.

“Baby…”

“No, Mom. I’m clean here, I have a family who love me and want the best for me, and I don’t have to worry about getting killed by someone that you love. I’m sorry that you can’t see that, and I wish you’d find a way to get sober and move on from Seth. You deserve better.”

He hangs up before she can answer him, tossing his phone onto the bed out of his reach. “So that didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry,” Clay replies reflexively. “I know you wanted that to go better than it did.”

Justin shrugs, looking back to his brother. “I don’t think I really believed she was ever going to give me answers about who he was,” he says quietly. “And she was strung out, which means she probably wouldn’t tell me sober if she wouldn’t say something now.”

Clay nods, looking back to his brother for a moment. “What if we went and saw her in person? She’s back at your old house, right?”

He nods in confirmation, but hesitates. “Clay…”

“No, hear me out,” Clay says, cutting off his brother. “Maybe if you pressure her in person, she’ll give in. Maybe if she sees you in person, she’ll tell you more about him.”

Justin picks at the comforter, shaking his head. “My mom doesn’t work like that,” he says. “She doesn’t care about what I want or my feelings towards anything. And besides, I can’t drive while I’m recovering because of the meds, and there’s no way I’d be able to walk that far or ride my bike. So that’s not going to work.”

“You may not be able to take yourself, but I can take you. I can still drive.”

“No,” Justin says firmly, shaking his head. “Absolutely not.”

Clay moves closer carefully. “Justin, come on. I’ve been to your old neighborhood, it’ll be fine.”

Justin hesitates. “You can’t come to the door with me. You can’t talk to my mom, or Seth, or whoever else might be there when we go,” he says, his phone chiming. “And what are we going to tell Mom and Dad?”

“That you want to get out of the house for a little while, and I’m going to take you for a drive,” Clay shrugs. “They’ll believe it, and they trust me to not like, hurt you or whatever. It’ll be fine.”

Justin’s hesitant, nodding. “Can you hand me my phone? I can’t bend that way yet.”

Clay reaches for it, glancing at the screen. “It’s Austin,” he says quietly, watching Justin unlock his phone and open the email.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Okay

_I’m glad you’re feeling better. Despite the fact that you won’t just meet with me, I am glad to know that you’re on your way to recovering._

_I’m surprised to hear that your mother didn’t tell you I got back in touch. It would’ve been something she bragged about before. And didn’t she want to give you a father you clearly always wanted? I am glad she didn’t come after me for child support, although maybe it would’ve given you a better life._

_It would’ve been easy for her to prove that I’m yours. I suspect you must look somewhat like me. It would’ve fed her drug addiction, which maybe would’ve been better for you if it meant you got more freedom while she was strung out. I did know she had it, although I would’ve hoped she would’ve kicked it when she had you. Doesn’t sound like that was the case, does it?_

_You really don’t think your mother would want to hear from me? Have a chance to run away from whatever boyfriend she’s back with and maybe even get her clean? Would be good for you, too. I could heal the whole family._

_You may think you have a better life being adopted, but that doesn’t mean that the second I start talking to her she wouldn’t want us all back together to be a family. I think it’s what she’s always wanted - me coming back into your lives to be that family. And judging by how you answer me, I think that’s what you want, too. It could get you away from where you are now._

_I’m not looking to be the hero, Justin. But if it happens to work out that way, then I’ll take the credit._

“He’s a dick,” Clay smirks, reading the email over his brother’s shoulder. “Like a super insufferable dick.”

“Wasn’t I just like him?” Justin asks quietly. “I mean, I think you would’ve qualified me as a dick in the past. When we weren’t brothers and you definitely hated me.”

Clay hides his smile. “You weren’t this manipulative with anyone,” he offers. “He’s playing mind games with you. You know that, right?”

Justin nods, setting his phone down for a moment. “Now you know why I’ve been so anxious.”

“Are you going to email him back?”

“I guess,” he shrugs. Picking up his phone again, he types quickly before handing it to Clay to read.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Okay

_She thought she did give me the dad I wanted with her boyfriends. It doesn’t matter, because I never needed one and I’ve done okay without it. Certainly no thanks to you trying to get back in touch._

_She never kicked her drug addiction. Although maybe if you stayed, you could’ve helped her along. I know firsthand that it’s not the easiest thing to overcome when you are in it alone._

_She’ll never leave her current boyfriend. She’s had so many opportunities to, and I tried to help her with it, but somehow she always keeps running back to him. So no, I don’t think you coming back will change anything._

_It doesn’t matter what she wants or what you want by getting back in contact with her. My feelings matter. And I don’t want anything to do with my old life. With my mother, or having a formal relationship with you as my father. Where I am now - my family - are everything I could’ve ever asked for. They are the best thing to happen to me, and there’s nothing that would make me walk away from them to go back to the life you think I want to lead._

There’s a knock on the door as Clay reads the email and he quickly scrambles from the bed to unlock it. Matt’s standing there, eyebrows raised and his arms crossed over his chest. “You said you were just coming to check on him.”

“We got distracted and started talking,” Clay shrugs, pulling the door open wider to show Justin laying in bed. “He’s fine.”

“I’m fine, I promise,” Justin says, looking back towards their dad. “I’m going to take a nap.”

“Do you need anything?” Matt asks, walking forward to feel his son’s forehead. “You don’t feel as warm. The medication is working.”

Justin nods. “I’m okay. I’m just going to sleep, and I have my water right here for when I get thirsty.”

“Do you have enough pillows?”

“More than enough,” Justin nods, propped up so he’s not sleeping flat, with one pressed to his side to help support the incisions.

Matt looks between the two of them. “You’re lucky I intervened before your mother came up here. She’s strict about these resting times, you both know that,” he says, smiling. “Justin needs sleep to get better, and Clay, you can’t distract him from that.”

Clay nods. “I’ll be down in two minutes.”

“Fine,” Matt agrees. “But if you’re not down here, I’m not stopping your mother when she says she’s coming up.”

He turns and leaves, and quickly Clay hits send on the email. “It’s sent,” he says, putting Justin’s phone on the charger for him. “Get some sleep, don’t worry about him emailing back.”

Justin agrees, watching the door click shut behind his brother before he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a transition chapter than anything, but more will be coming with others knowing soon! 
> 
> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) you're all the best.
> 
> more on Friday!! 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	9. nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Clay plan for a weekend away with friends, and Clay takes Justin to see his mom.

“Ani and Jess booked a lakehouse for all of us for four days next weekend,” Clay announces at breakfast, instinctively reaching his hand out to help when Justin goes to gingerly sit down at the table beside him. “They thought it’d be good if the friend group got away and just hung out together for a little while.”

“That sounds like fun,” Lainie smiles. “Are you both going?”

Clay looks at Justin, nodding. “We are, yeah. Everyone has agreed to go, and it’s one of the only weekends that’s going to work before Charlie’s preseason practices really start up and Zach has to be there for coaching.”

“Am I allowed to go?” Justin asks, reaching for his fork. “I know I’m coming off the pain meds slowly, but I’ll still be technically recovering and probably still be on the antibiotics.”

Matt and Lainie share a glance. “There should be no reason why you can’t go,” Matt says, looking back to their son. “We’ll have to speak with the doctor, but if you take it easy, I think it’d be okay to let you go for a long weekend. You deserve to have some time away from your friends as well.”

Justin nods. “I’ll be careful, and you know with Clay there he’s not going to let me do anything stupid,” he smiles.

“You go back to the doctor in a few days, we’ll ask then,” Lainie says. “And at the very least, I’d like to check in with Mrs. Standall the night before you all leave just to make sure you’re still okay to go.”

“Fine, yes,” Justin agrees immediately. “I’ll do whatever, I just… I want to go with my friends. I want to have one normal thing happen this summer.”

“And you will,” Matt says, ignoring his wife’s glance at his promise. “Keep taking it easy, keep taking your medicine when we give it to you, and you’ll be able to go. Pushing too hard won’t help.”

Justin nods. “I can start school again today.”

Matt sighs, sitting up. “We’ll allow it, but either your mom or I needs to read everything before you submit it. You’re still on a low dose of pain medicine, and we want to be sure your answers make sense.”

Justin nods, taking a bite of his breakfast. “That’s fair. One of you can read my answers before I submit,” he promises, looking around the table before landing on Clay. “So, what else has Ani planned for us next weekend?”

Clay smiles, talking about the house and what it has to offer for them to do over four days in hopes that it will lift Justin’s spirits as he eats.

**_______________________________**

Justin works in the living room, propped up by pillows with a blanket covering his legs. Lainie works in the dining room, careful eyes on her son in the living room in between a bulk of emails or a summary of a client brief. Justin works slow, headphones in his ears as he listens to the lectures, only pulling them out when he finishes typing.

“Lainie?” He asks quietly, shifting as the pillow presses onto his side. “Can you come read my answers, please?”

“Sure, love,” Lainie says, standing up and walking towards him. She takes his laptop, sitting down on the sofa by his legs.

Changing a few things, she hands them back. “You were mostly coherent. Just a few missing words,” she smiles. “How are you feeling? I know we’re going longer between doses.”

Justin shrugs, hitting submit and closing his laptop. “Fine. I think maybe if I just get up and walk around I’ll feel better.”

“Just take your time,” she says quietly, pushing his hair away from his face.

Justin smiles, leaning into her touch and nodding. “Can Jess come over?”

Lainie smiles. “Sure, love. She can come over.”

Standing up, she kisses his forehead. “I’m going back to work. Just yell if you need me.”

**_______________________________**

Jess wraps Justin in a hug as carefully as she can when she arrives, cupping his face in her hands. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“So many people have this surgery. It wasn’t anything major,” Justin deflects, leaning forward to kiss her. “But I’m glad I’m okay, too.”

They decide to go for a walk, Justin’s hand brushing against Jess’ before taking it, slowly walking through the familiar streets they used to walk around so many times before.

“Are you going to the lake house next weekend?” Justin finally asks, interlacing their fingers as they turn to walk back. “Clay said Ani made all the plans, but you helped.”

“Okay, well I helped her find the house,” Jess smirks, looking back to him. “But yeah, I’m going. I think it’ll be fun having everyone in the same place together. Just hanging out and having fun without having to figure out who’s house we’re going to hang out in.”

“It will be fun,” Justin nods.

Jess slows down to match his pace. “Wait, are you going to be allowed to come?”

Justin smiles, hand resting against his side protectively. “I think so. I’m going to the doctor this week to make sure everything is healing right. Lainie also made me promise that I would see Mrs. Standall the night before we leave just to make sure I’m still okay to go.”

Jess laughs. “I mean, you need someone to be protective of you. And she’s probably making the right call,” she smiles. “I’m guessing you have to take it easy? And there’s very little chance of going against it with Clay there?”

They slowly walk up the steps to the house as Justin smiles. “I mean, Clay can be swayed. But I probably won’t be able to do everything.”

He opens the front door, saying a quick hello to Lainie before going to the kitchen to get a snack. “What do you want to tell our friends about us?” He asks, handing her a glass. “I mean, if we’re back together, it’s only a matter of time before they all find out, right?”

“I should be honest, Ani already knows.”

“So does Clay,” Justin remarks, smiling as he slowly sits down at the table. “And they’d both keep it a secret if we wanted them to, but is that what we want?”

Jess hesitates. “I guess not, no.”

“Jess, you don’t have to agree to tell everyone if you’re not ready yet. We can keep it a secret for as long as you want.”

Jess stands up straighter. “No, that’s not fair,” she argues. “We’re all in on this, right? Fully prepared to figure out how to make it work when we’re back at school. So if this isn’t just some fling that’s going to fizzle out, we should be honest with them. We know they’ll be supportive anyway.”

Justin nods. “Okay, so it’s settled. We’ll tell them.”

Jess nods in agreement, helping Justin stand up to go watch a movie together.

**_______________________________**

“When will I be allowed to drive again?”

Justin stands at the edge of the sunroom, looking at Matt and Lainie with his arms crossed over his chest.

Matt peers over his glasses, looking to his wife before back to his son. “When you’re off the prescribed pain medication.”

“I’m barely taking it anymore,” Justin argues, learning against the wall. “I can’t just drive for a little bit?”

“No, Justin,” Lainie says. “If you need to go somewhere that bad, one of us will take you. But you really should be resting.”

Justin sighs, shifting. “Please. I promise I’ll be gone less than an hour. I just… I’ve been in the house so long and walking far makes me really sore, and I just want to drive.”

Clay stands back in the dining room, listening to the conversation. He knows Justin wants to drive to go see his mom, but waits to hear how this plays out before he steps in.

“You’ll be off the prescription pain medication within the next day or two. You can drive by this weekend,” Lainie says, remaining firm. “Justin, if you got in a car under the influence of prescription pain medication and hurt someone, you’d never forgive yourself.”

“I’ve driven while high on pain meds before.”

Lainie sucks in a sharp breath. There’s facts about Justin’s past life that are common knowledge, but aren’t spoken about. His past drug use was a constant conversation, but the details of what he went through, what he did while under the influence, were never brought up.

“And you agreed with Dr. Ellman that that was a huge mistake,” Matt replies, voice firm and even when his wife has the wind knocked out of her by the statement. “Justin, you’ve been doing better, you’ve been sober for almost a year. I think you know that that statement is out of anger, and not because you thought you made a good choice back then by driving on a medication that impairs your thinking and judgment.”

“It was,” Justin admits quietly, ducking his head. “I shouldn’t have said it. It wasn’t smart of me to drive then, and it wouldn’t be smart of me now. I’m sorry for saying that.”

“It’s okay,” Lainie says quietly, chewing on the corner of her lip as she looks at him.

“I’ll take you on a drive,” Clay says, stepping forward as his brother turns to look at him. “If you want to get out of the house, you and I can drive around for a little while.”

Justin nods, turning back to them. “Okay, since I can’t drive, can Clay drive me?”

Lainie looks like she’s going to say no. For a moment, Justin almost agrees with her. He just passively brought up what idiotic things he’s done on pain medication in the past, and she has been worried he’s been doing too much too quickly.

Thankfully, Matt steps in before Lainie can speak. “Clay drives, no arguing,” he says. “You can’t be out long, and if it hurts too much, you come home. No doing anything stupid, no forcing your brother into letting you drive.”

“Deal,” Justin agrees immediately, turning back to grab his shoes. “Thank you. I love you guys.”

Lainie sighs, the slightest of smiles on her face. “We love you, too,” she says quietly, the two of them watching from the window as Clay walks alongside Justin down the steps, ready to help if needed.

Clay waits until Justin is situated before turning to him. “Were you trying to go to your mom’s alone?”

Justin takes a breath, leaning his head in his hand as he stares out the window. “I didn’t want you to go with me. It’s… it could be dangerous. I don’t know if Seth will be there or not.”

“So you thought going by yourself, when you can barely walk without getting winded, was the smartest idea?” Clay retorts, glancing at his brother when he stops at a stop sign. “I told you I’d go with you. I’m not scared about Seth being there or something happening. I am worried about you trying to deflect or figure this out on your own when you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin replies weakly, looking back to him. “I wasn’t thinking, and I’m just worried that if I involve you too much in this, it’ll trigger your anxiety.”

Clay nods. He pulls onto the main road, driving slowly towards the other side of town. “My anxiety only worries about you. I’ll be okay with knowing about the emails and how you’re handling them, but I just worry about you.”

Justin sighs. “I get it.”

“Has he emailed you?”

“A few times,” Justin nods, pulling out his phone. “Want me to read you the last one?”

Clay nods, and Justin pulls open his email to the last one, reading out loud.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Okay

_Everyone needs a dad, Justin. I’m sure there had to be nights where you wished you had one. And I’m here now, so we could make up for lost time._

_Ah, you were a drug addict as well? I guess that makes sense, a product of your own environment. Maybe she would’ve gotten clean if I stayed, but we could try to get her clean now._

_You didn’t know me. You didn’t know how in love we were when we were together. If there was anyone who could get her away from her boyfriend, it’d be me._

_You say that your new family is everything you could’ve asked for, but I guarantee that you never asked for your real family to come back into your life. And if I came back, we could make that happen. You could leave the family you got behind, and we could be the family we always wanted to be. That would be good wouldn’t it? I find it hard to believe you’d say no to this._

“He’s fucking relentless,” Clay mumbles, turning off the main road.

Justin’s old neighborhood inches closer, and suddenly, Justin wonders if this is a good idea at all. “Would you expect anything less?” Justin asks, looking over at his brother. “In what you know about my biological family, would you have expected him to just be normal? To know that I’m struggling with this and back off?”

Clay hesitates. “No, I guess not,” he admits.

The car quiets for a moment. “You know that no matter what he says or bribes me with, I’m never going to go with him, right?” Justin says carefully.

Clay nods immediately. “I just can’t help but worry.”

“I know,” Justin says. He shifts, looking back. “But you have to trust me. You are my brother, your parents are mine, and I will never leave that. You saved my life. All three of you. And I’m not going to abandon you just because my biological father is in the picture. I love you guys, and you’re my family.”

Clay comes to a stop, looking back to his brother. “We love you, too.”

Justin looks past Clay and out to the house, which somehow looks different and the same all at once. He takes a breath, looking back to his brother. “I will let you come with me if you don’t interfere and you let me do all the talking.”

“Deal,” Clay nods, because for as much as Clay said that he was going to let Justin handle this on his own, he can’t fathom letting him do this alone.

Together they get out of the car, taking slow steps to the front door. Justin takes a deep breath, knocking three times and stepping back.

His mom answers after a moment, eyes widening when she sees him standing there. “Oh, Justin, baby,” she says quietly.

Justin takes a moment, taking her in. She’s smaller than he remembers, wearing a t-shirt she's had for years and gym shorts that make her legs look even tinier. Her hair is a mess, falling in front of her face. But Justin notices the dark circles under her eyes, the new track marks lining her forearm, and his heart breaks.

He got better, but she’s still stuck in their old life. She looks like he used to - skinny, frail, strung out.

“Hi, Mom,” he says carefully, stepping inside and motioning for Clay to follow him. “We’re not staying long.”

“I wish you would,” she says quietly, sitting on the sofa. “Your old room is available. Seth has some things in there, but he could move them. You could move right back in, just like before.”

“I’m not moving back in, Mom,” he says, standing up. Clay lingers behind, staying quiet as he watches the interaction. “We’re only here for a few minutes. I want to know more about Austin.”

Amber curls in on herself, shaking her head as she stares at her lap. “I told you not to speak about him, Justin. I told you not to ask me about him, and here you are, showing up at my door asking,” she says. “Did you even bring me anything?”

“What would I bring you, Mom?” Justin asks, but Clay thinks he already knows.

Amber doesn’t answer. Justin waits a moment, taking a step forward.

“I deserve to know who my dad is. He’s contacting me, you know. Saying that he could get back in touch and fix everything between all of us. He says that if he talked to you, you’d go running right back to him and we could be the perfect family.”

“He said all of that?” She asks quietly. Clay watches the hope appear behind her eyes, the prospect of Justin going back to her clearly running rampant. “Did you tell him that you would do it?”

“Jesus, no,” Justin says. He shifts on his feet, arm draped over his side protectively as his patience wears thin. “You’re telling me you’d leave Seth for him?”

“No,” she resigns, shaking her head. “Your father is a horrible man who abandoned you. I've told you not to speak about him to me, and you showed up on my doorstep asking for answers.” Her voice grows icy, kind and pleading eyes turned narrow and cold. “If you don’t leave now, I’ll tell Seth you were here. He’ll have his boys after you, and this time, I won’t stop it.”

“Whatever,” Justin says, turning back to face Clay. He hesitates, and then turns back to where his mother sits. “I hope you get the help you need, Mom. I hope one day you see you’re worth more than Seth and drugs. But you won’t hear from me again.”

Clay leads him out of the house before she says anything in reply, carefully draping an arm around his brother’s shoulder as they walk back to the car. “Breathe,” he mumbles, grateful when he hears Justin take an exaggerated breath beside him.

“Want to get a milkshake?”

Justin laughs, leaning back against the seat as Clay drives away. “Is that how you plan to make me feel better?”

“Yeah,” he admits, glancing at his brother. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” he shrugs. “I sort of expected this.”

Clay nods, driving quietly through town. He stops at a drive through, shoves a milkshake into his brother’s hand, and pulls into a parking spot to drink his. “Do you miss living with your mom?”

Justin savors the sip of his milkshake, shaking his head. “No, I don’t,” he says, looking back at him. “You saw how my mom was. She was strung out, barely there. Only interested in what I could do for her, not what I needed. You guys… you give me the love I need. The love I always wanted. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

Clay nods. “Are you going to email Austin back?”

Pulling his phone out, Justin nods and types furiously.

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Okay

_I never wished for a dad. It helps that I didn’t have one, didn’t make me miss something I knew nothing about. So I guess you did help me in that way._

_I was addicted to heroin mostly. Hardcore. It could’ve killed me, and actually, it probably should’ve. My brother got me off the streets and sober, which was all I needed to realize that I deserved better. I like that you think you could’ve made my mom get clean. She got clean plenty of times, she just fell into old habits. And she won’t want to get clean now. She’s too far gone, and you’re definitely not going to be the one to fix that._

_If she wouldn’t get clean for me, her own son, why would she get clean for the man that abandoned her when she told him she was pregnant?_

_You may have been in love then, but you certainly aren’t now. You left her when she needed you the most, why would she come running back now? Her boyfriend is there to stay, no one is going to get her away from him._

_I would never ask for my “real family” to come back into my life. My family now is my real family. They love me more than anyone else ever has. They support me, and they’ve seen me at my lowest and didn’t give up. I wouldn’t just come running back to you because you decide you want to try to be a father to me. It’s really easy to come back now that I’m an adult. But I’ve moved on, and I have the best family I could ask for. They’re all I need. Even if I do agree to meet you, I wouldn’t come back to you. Ever._

_Stop getting your hopes up._

Clay carries their drinks up the steps while Justin walks slowly, arm draped over his side while he holds the handrail. “You can have Tylenol when we get inside,” Clay reminds him, opening the door and letting his brother walk through first.

They’re not expecting to be met by their parents, who look a mixture of worried, relieved and annoyed that their sons are standing in front of them. “You two have been gone almost _two_ hours,” Lainie stresses, holding her phone up. “Your father and I have been trying to call you, and neither of you answered.”

“Sorry,” Clay replies weakly. “We lost track of time. We just drove around, he’s fine, see?”

“Actually, can I have Tylenol?”

Matt sighs, reaching out to help Justin to the sofa.

“Sitting in a car like that isn’t going to help you heal any faster,” Matt mumbles, handing Justin two pills he can take with the rest of his milkshake. “Where were you two?”

“Driving around,” Justin says, echoing his brother’s statements. “I’m sorry, I should’ve looked at the time. I just needed to get out and it felt so good to feel the fresh air and not be sitting in the backyard or walking down our street.”

Lainie stands in front of them, worry behind her eyes as Justin lays down. “I should drug test you both. How do we know you guys weren’t doing something you weren’t supposed to be?”

Justin knows she’s trying to be protective, she worries about him constantly, but it stings. “I wouldn’t do that to Clay. Or to myself,” he replies weakly, ducking his head. “Mine would be positive anyway, I’ve been on prescription pain meds since the surgery.”

Lainie sighs, sitting on the edge of the coffee table and brushing her fingers through his hair. “I shouldn’t have said that I didn’t trust you,” she says. “I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth. I just worry, okay? You just had surgery, and you’ve been more anxious than normal this whole summer. I just want to be sure that if you need more help, we get it for you.”

Justin looks up, smiling as Lainie cups his face in her hands. Her eyes are so sincere, so caring, and he thinks back to his mom just a short time before. How cold she was, how she had been hoping that he would show up with something before her.

Maybe for the first time ever, he understands Lainie’s worry.

“I don’t need any extra help, I promise,” he says softly, leaning into her touch. “I’ll be better about not staying out long when I’m with Clay, and I’ll take it much easier than I have been. I know you trust me, but I understand why you were worried.”

She nods, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “Get some sleep,” she whispers. “Clay, leave your brother be. You two have had enough excitement for the afternoon.”

Clay nods, touching Justin’s shoulder as his parents leave the room. “You should tell them.”

“Later,” Justin says, and for once, Clay doesn’t press it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! you're all the best
> 
> more people will slowly begin to find out :)
> 
> see you on Tuesday! <3 <3 <3


	10. ten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay presses Justin to come clean, Matt and Lainie press for answers, and Justin tells someone else.

The emails don’t stop.

For a while, Justin feels like they come every five minutes. They’re relentless, peppered with the image of all of them reuniting, or how this could all be over if Justin would just meet him in person. Justin thinks about giving in, meeting him before they go away for the weekend with their friends, but Lainie is still protective after he and Clay left for over two hours and he can’t think of a way that would make it past her without her wanting to go with them or putting severe time constraints on them.

So he answers the emails with terse replies and growing impatience, wondering how he could just go back to the beginning and somehow approach this far differently than he has.

Instead he focuses on the weekend ahead, grateful that the doctor gave him the all clear and told him to have a good time while being mindful that he’s still recovering.

“When are you going to tell Mom and Dad?” Clay asks, going through his drawer and packing what he thinks he’d need.

Justin sighs, finishing the rest of his classwork he had missed in the few days he took off to recover. “After we get home, I promise.”

“Why do I feel like I don’t believe you?” Clay asks. “You just keep putting it off, and you know they’d be able to help you.”

“I’m not asking you to believe me,” Justin replies weakly. “I just… I want you to know that I’m fine, and you cannot tell them before I do.”

For a brief moment, Justin braces himself for an argument. He’s treading on a thin line with Clay, who has been dutifully keeping his secret and dodging any and all questions from Matt and Lainie regarding Justin’s anxiety or why he’s been so glued to his phone while he’s not doing schoolwork.

The worst part is that Justin understands Clay’s frustration. He pictures himself in his brother’s shoes, keeping a secret that is so close to sending him into a tailspin, and knows he wouldn’t be able to do it. He’s been in this position before, at the beginning of senior year when Clay’s mental health began a downward spiral, and vividly remembers outing his brother for being in fights or hiding panic attacks while Clay blatantly lied to his parents.

Clay is covering for him. But it’s only a matter of time before the dam breaks and his secrets come spilling out before he’s ready.

“Promise me you’ll tell them after,” Clay says, zipping his bag and tossing it onto the floor. “Promise me that when we get home from this trip, you will sit down with them and explain everything. I’ll sit with you, if you want. I’ll help you explain, but you have to tell them.”

Justin takes a breath, finishing his sentence for his homework. “I will sit down with them the same day we get home, and I will tell them everything.”

Clay nods, pulling his book from his nightstand and reading in silence, waiting for Justin to finish his work.

**_______________________________**

“Can we talk to you for a minute? About Justin?”

Lainie waited until Justin was safely upstairs and in the shower before turning to her eldest, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

“I thought you didn’t like to talk about us to the other one when we weren’t present.”

Lainie’s smile falters for a moment, glancing at Matt to step in.

“Under normal circumstances, yes, you’re right,” he nods, leaning back in his chair. “But we’re worried about him. He’s been anxious, on edge, and we’re worried that the prescription pain medication has only complicated things further.”

“How would they have done that?” Clay asks. He looks between his parents. “He’s been anxious longer than he’s been on pain meds. And he’s basically off of them.”

Lainie nods. “We know that, honey. And his anxiety has been a worrying point for all of us for a majority of the summer. It hasn’t been like this in months, and last time we knew it was his course load triggering the attacks. We don’t know what it is this time, honey. Do you?”

Clay hesitates. Ducking his head, he shrugs. “He won’t talk about it. He just keeps telling me he’s fine, that I don’t have to worry about him. It’s not like I believe him, but if I push him too hard, he’s going to retreat and shut me out.”

It’s a delicate line the Jensens have worked so hard to break. Justin had been doing so well, learning to trust them, taking their time with giving Justin the support and the space he needed. But there are always moments like this where it feels like they’re back to square one, and Lainie feels helpless to the fact that she doesn’t know how to help her own son.

“Are you worried about him?” Matt asks.

Clay looks up at them. “Am I worried he relapsed or wants to relapse? No,” he says, looking between both of them. “Am I worried about how bad his anxiety is and how he won’t talk to us? Definitely.”

Lainie nods. A brief moment of relief washes over her. “I know you can’t press, and your father and I certainly won’t, but keep an eye on him, okay? Make sure he knows that whenever he’s ready, we’re all here for him.”

Clay nods, listening to the water shut off. “Are you still going to let him come with us this weekend?”

“Of course,” Matt nods. “We trust him, we’re just worried that he needs more help than what we're giving him. But maybe a weekend away with all of you guys is exactly what he needs.”

Justin walks back downstairs slowly, and Lainie reflexively stands to get the Tylenol.

“Can I sleep in the outhouse?”

Lainie hands him the pills, sighing. “Do you think you’re ready?”

“Yes,” Justin nods. “I’ll use all the pillows, I’ll sleep the same way I do in Clay’s old room. I just want my own bed.”

She watches as Justin takes the medication, chewing on the inside of her lip. “Okay, yes. If you think you’ll be okay.”

She smiles when Justin perks up, setting the glass of water on the counter. “I’ll make Clay come get you if anything goes wrong.”

“Okay,” Lainie says, laughing as she leans forward to kiss his cheek.

From the window, she watches the two boys walk back across the backyard. “I worry about him,” Lainie sighs, looking towards her husband. “We’ve come too far to let it all slip away now.”

Pulling his wife to his side, Matt presses a kiss to the crown of her head. “We won’t let him slip away. I promise you, Justin will be okay.”

**_______________________________**

Lainie revels in the normal moments with Justin.

The times where she has to tell Justin two and three times to clean up his dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The times where she has to remind him that he needs to do his laundry. The arguments about curfew, or hanging out with people late on school nights, or to just sit and do his homework instead of putting it off.

To her, it meant that Justin was adjusting. Things were getting better, and he was feeling more comfortable to push back, to ask for what he wanted.

So when she has to bargain with him to sit down and talk with her and Matt before Jess comes over, she’s going to take it as a win.

“We just want to talk to you about this weekend,” Matt says, sitting down on the sofa. “A few minutes, and then Jess can come over.”

Justin relents, sinking into the chair. “The doctor said I can go, and I’ve already made Clay pack the Tylenol with my other meds so he has it for when I need it.”

Lainie sits in the chair beside his. “How do you feel about managing your own medication? Both your HIV meds and the Tylenol,” she asks. It’s a step, one that she’s not even sure they’re ready for given the last few weeks, but she feels like she needs to push it. “We trust you, Justin. Tylenol is not as addictive, and you know when to give yourself medication. You’ve been managing your HIV on your own for a majority of the year. Taking care of the meds on your own this weekend is just another step.”

Justin hesitates. “You’re going to let me take care of my own medication without you being there?”

“Yes,” Matt steps in. “If you’d like. Otherwise it’s up to Clay, who you know is more than happy to do it.”

Shaking his head, Justin smiles. “I’ll take care of it myself,” he promises, shifting in his seat. “Is that all you wanted to talk about? Can I text Jess now?”

“One more thing,” Lainie smiles. “We want to go over expectations for you for this weekend. We wouldn’t normally, but you can’t just go doing what you want this weekend and expect it to go well.”

She doesn’t miss Justin rolling his eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I know I can’t be as active. I was listening to the doctor.”

Lainie bites back a laugh at her son’s snark about him listening. “You can go swimming, you can go boating or kayaking or whatever other gentle water activities you want. You can ride bikes or walk around. But you can’t jump off the dock recklessly or sit in the lake for hours.”

Justin nods. “I won’t be reckless. And Clay is like my mother hen. He’s not going to let me do anything stupid. Or fun.”

“We’re not saying don’t have fun, and we’ll make sure that Clay isn’t overbearing on this trip,” Matt offers. “You deserve to have a break and have a normal summer with your friends. We just don’t want you to exert yourself.”

“And for the love of god,” Lainie interrupts, leaning forward to cup his face in her hands, “please listen to your body, love. If you need to lay down or take it easy, just relax. Your friends will understand.”

“I will,” he promises, leaning into her touch. “I’ll be careful, I’ll listen to my body, I’ll take it easy. I promise you.”

Lainie nods. “Okay,” she says, taking a breath. “We love you.”

“I love you guys, too,” Justin replies, looking between them both. “Can I call Jess now?”

Matt laughs, shaking his head. “Go,” he says simply. “But Mrs. Standall is coming this evening just to be extra safe that you're okay to go,” he reminds him, smiling when Justin nods and stands up to go find his phone and call Jess.

Lainie looks back to her husband, relaxing. “This feels like a big step, doesn’t it?” She asks. “Letting him manage his own medications, going away with friends a week and a half after surgery. We’re… it’s what we would normally do just for Clay.”

Matt nods. “It is, but up until a few weeks ago, Justin has been doing well. He’s ready for this, you know that.”

Nodding, Lainie forces herself to believe it. “You’re right, he is,” she agrees, standing up to finish cleaning.

**_______________________________**

Jess lays on Clay’s bed, watching with an amused expression as Justin haphazardly packs for the weekend. “You know we leave tomorrow and you’re just tossing stuff in there hoping you’ll have what you need.”

Justin looks back, shrugging. “If I really need something I don’t have, I’ll steal it from Clay. Or Charlie, or Zach, or really any other guy that’s coming with us.”

Jess rolls her eyes, leaning up on her elbows as Justin tosses his pills in the top of the bag. “It’s a pretty big deal they’re letting you take care of your meds yourself, isn’t it?”

Justin shrugs. “It’s just Tylenol. It’s not like I’ll be able to overdose on it or anything, and I’m pretty sure it’s not addictive. And my HIV meds have been basically in my care for the last year. They haven’t hid them or locked them up, I just haven’t kept them in my room. That doesn’t feel major to me.”

“Justin,” Jess sighs, swinging her legs over to sit on the edge of the bed. “The fact that they’re trusting you with any medication is good, isn’t it? It’s a step in the right direction, even if you say you can’t get addicted to it.”

Justin zips his bag, tossing it onto the ground and laying down. He opens his arms, allowing Jess to walk to his bed and curl up carefully beside him, arm draped over his chest. “I should feel better about this.”

“You should,” she whispers, kissing along his jaw. “You’ve been off all summer. Even after we got back together. What’s going on with you?”

In the way Justin was able to put up walls with everyone else, he can’t with Jess. They know too much about each other, have been through too much to keep any secrets.

“My biological dad has been emailing me,” he whispers. “Telling me he wants to meet with me, that he wants to get to know the son he never knew. Most of the emails are terrible, but I can’t stop.”

“Justin,” Jess breathes. “What the actual fuck.”

“I know,” He laughs, shaking his head. “It’s fucking insane, and I should just stop answering him.”

She tilts her head so she can look up at him. “How many emails?”

“It feels like hundreds. But I don’t know, not that many,” he breathes, reaching for his phone. He unlocks it, thumbing through his emails. “He just sent one now, want me to read it?”

Jess nods, leaning back so Justin can adjust himself to sit better and read.

 **To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** Meeting

_You just keep putting off the inevitable. It’s been a few weeks since I first contacted you, and you have yet to agree to meet with me._

_I’m sticking firm to not telling you anything about mine and your mother’s past, or why I’m getting back in touch with you now until you meet with me in person. That’s not going to change, Justin, if you think you’re being smart by prolonging it in hopes I’ll give up._

_You not wanting to meet with me almost makes me think you’re scared. You don’t want to face the fact that if you meet me in person, there’s a chance we’ll bond and you’ll want to leave the family you say you’ve always needed._

_So, Justin, will you ever meet with me?_

“Jesus Christ,” Jess mumbles. “Have you told anyone about these?” She asks, taking his phone from him to read through the others.

“Charlie and Clay know,” he sighs. “And I promised Clay I would tell our parents when we get back from this weekend.”

Jess nods. “Are you going to meet with him in person?”

He shrugs. “I want to, but Clay’s worried about me doing it. And when Matt and Lainie find out…”

“You don’t think they’ll let you go through with it.”

A hint of a smile crosses Justin’s face as he nods. “What would you do? If you were me, do you think you’d go meet with him anyway?”

Jess is quiet for a moment. Justin watches her study the emails, reading through another one, and then sigh. “I think I would want to meet with him. Get some answers at least so I could find peace,” she admits. Locking his phone, she hands it back to him. “But I’m worried about you going.”

“Why?” Justin asks. He tosses his phone onto the bed, looking back to her. “I’ll be fine. It’s no different than you going or Clay going if you were in my position.”

“It is, though,” Jess replies carefully. “Your anxiety is driven by this. It’s consuming you, and you know that. I understand you wanting to know more, but I think you need to be careful about this.”

Justin shifts away, and Jess moves back. “You’re just like Clay.”

“You’re upset because we care about you,” she says quietly. “Normally I’d try to think of ways to make you feel better, but I need you to think about this. We are worried about you because we love you, and we know how much this is already affecting you.”

Jess gives it a moment, and when Justin doesn’t reply, she sits up to look at him. “I love you, and I’ll support you in whatever you want to do. But if you’re going to go meet him, at the very least, I need you to promise me you will bring Clay or Matt or Lainie with you.”

He stares at the ceiling, body still, and folds his fingers together. “Okay,” he whispers, nodding quietly. “When I go meet with him, I’ll bring one of them with me.”

Jess moves back to resting against his shoulder, watching as he types out a response.

 **To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
**From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
**Subject:** RE: Meeting

_I’m not scared of a man who took almost 19 years to find me. I’m not scared of a man who is doing this clearly to make himself feel better, and not because you want to meet with me because you’re genuinely interested in getting to know me._

_It sounds like you’re the one who wants me to leave my family and become a family with you. Is that your end goal with all of this? To tear me away from my family so you can have me be part of your family? Because that’s not going to happen. I love my family, I love what I have here, and nothing will make me leave that._

_We’ll meet soon. I’ll let you know a date when I want to._

He hits send, setting his phone down. “Do you ever think about all the ways my life is royally fucked up?” He asks out loud, resting his hand against her shoulder. “My mom abandoned me, I was homeless, adopted, got HIV, and just when things started getting back on track and I feel like I’m leaving my past behind, my biological father finds me.”

Jess looks up. “Are you kidding me?” She asks. “Justin, I know you don’t like compliments, but you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know. You ask for help, you talk it through, you’re living. Isn’t that all we've ever wanted? To live?”

“It feels wrong,” he whispers, his voice breaking. “I’ve been doing better, but then it’s like one little thing sets me off. Sends me right back there. And I don’t deserve to keep bringing the Jensens down with me. I don’t deserve the love they give me.”

“You do, Justin,” Jess whispers, and when he manages to look in her eyes, he notices the tears. “They love you because you’re their son. They see you the same way they see Clay. They would give Clay this love and attention just for being him, and you wouldn’t complain about that. They give the same love to you because you're theirs, and you don’t need to be anything else to them.”

Justin nods, pulling her down to kiss her softly. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she laughs, kissing him again. “Promise me you’ll let them help. Promise me that you’ll try to understand that they want to help you.”

Justin takes a breath, lips tracing down her jaw. “I promise,” he whispers, laughing when Jess tries to carefully move around him to make out without hurting him.

**_______________________________**

Justin holds his breath as Mrs. Standall looks at his incisions, reapplying the bandages. “They look really good, honey,” she says, smiling. “Healing nicely. You’ll be good to go tomorrow, but you need to take it easy, yes?”

“How easy?” He presses, smiling as he readjusts his shirt. “Matt and Lainie already told me I can’t do anything crazy, but I can swim and do almost everything that’s not taxing or whatever.”

Mrs. Standall smiles, standing up. “I’ll tell you what I told Alex. You can swim, you can kayak and paddleboard and walk around. I’d stay away from hiking, you’re still recovering and may get sore or tired going for any longer than an hour. Don’t do anything that could land directly on your belly. Tubing, jumping off anything high, running around. A week and a half out of surgery isn’t a long time, and you’ll just be in pain,” she smiles. “I always tell Alex to listen to his body. If it’s saying it needs a break, listen to it. And you need to follow that as well, even when you don’t want to.”

“Alex has gotten better at listening.”

“He has,” she nods. “But he’s had more time. Yours is temporary, but if you need a guide, he’d be more than happy to help.”

Justin nods. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she says quietly. “All of you be safe this weekend. But have a good time. All you kids deserve this.”

She follows Lainie into the kitchen, Justin laying back on the sofa, reaching for the remote.

Clay looks like he’s going to say something, but eventually sits down on the edge of the sofa, rolling his eyes when Justin stretches his legs into his lap, turning on a movie for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i hope you're still enjoying this :)
> 
> only a few more chapters left! but! i'm working on other things!
> 
> hope you're all staying safe!
> 
> see you guys on Friday! <3 <3 <3


	11. eleven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin and Clay go on a trip with their friends, Justin starts coming clean to more people, and makes a plan to end this.

Charlie stands beside Justin as their friends load up the car, staring at him in disbelief.

“Clay took you back to see your mom?” He asks. “Justin, what the fuck! That could've ended horribly.”

“I know,” Justin groans, throwing his head back. “Look, I didn’t want him to come. I wanted to go alone, I wanted to shield him from that. But I couldn’t drive myself and if I didn’t go then, when would I have gone?”

Charlie turns to face him. “You shouldn’t have gone at all!” He says, lowering his voice. “Justin, bad things could have happened going back there.”

“But they didn’t,” Justin reminds him. “I get it, it was a stupid thing to do. It also didn’t bring me any answers. But at least I can say I tried to get answers. I exhausted all of my options.”

Charlie stands back for a moment, watching them load the last of the bags. “I know you want answers. I get it, Justin. And you know I’d do anything to help you,” he reminds him. “But you need to realize that pushing yourself into dangerous situations is just as bad as the way Austin talks to you.”

Justin pushes himself to stand, sighing. “I promise you, I’ll be more careful,” he says. “And Char? Thank you. Even though I didn’t listen, I am grateful that you’re looking out for me.”

Charlie rolls his eyes, biting back a smile. “You’re welcome. I just hope you listen to me next time.”

**_______________________________**

The lakehouse Ani and Jess found is steps away from the water, the old redwood trees partially masking the view from the deck, a firepit down below.

There’s a sense of calmness that falls over Justin as he settles into the room he’s sharing with Jess, dropping his bag on his half of the room and laying down in bed. He can feel the fresh air blowing in through the windows, the lake is in view, and he thinks for a moment, that this is all he’s needed.

Jess lays down beside him, pressing her head against his shoulder. “Charlie was talking about going to find wood for a fire tonight,” she says quietly, voice vibrating against his skin. “Want to go walk down to the dock?”

Justin nods, staring out the window and interlacing his fingers with hers. “We should help Charlie.”

“He’s taking Zach with him to help,” Jess says softly, standing up and watching as he stands. “You shouldn’t be carrying heavy wood, anyway. And I want to spend time with you.”

Justin smiles, following her out of their room and back outside, a trail of stepping stones leading down to the dock.

When Justin was a kid, he used to spend time at Bryce’s cabin in the woods. Much like everything with the Walkers, their cabin was over the top and featured jet skis and the largest boat Justin can ever remember seeing. On those long weekends he can remember feeling so out of place, constantly making himself smaller, quieter, more out of the way than he thought was possible.

Standing here on the dock, watching the water ripple against the shore, he already feels more at peace than he did back then. He’s watching Alex and Tony try their hands at kayaking, Ani and Clay have been settling into the house and organizing everything in the kitchen, and Charlie, Tyler and Zach have set off to find wood that would be suitable for a fire in the fire pit later that evening.

He carefully sits down on the edge of the dock, kicking off his flip flops and letting his feet hit the water. It’s cold, jumping as he leans back on his hands, and smiles when Jess sits down next to him. “Would you ever think that we’d be here? All of us together, surviving our first year of college?”

Justin watches Alex fall out of his kayak, laughing. “Definitely not,” he mumbles. “But I’m glad we all made it. And we’re all still friends.”

“Me too,” she agrees, resting her head against his shoulder as they watch their friends.

**_______________________________**

Kayaking is not as easy as Justin was hoping it would be.

He spent most of the time begging Clay to do with him, saying that it would be easy and they only had to stay out on the water for a few minutes if he really hated it. He piled on the guilt, looking at his brother with puppy dog eyes.

“I’m finally allowed out of the house to do things, I’m finally able to do something that resembles being athletic, and I want to share that with my brother,” he argued, walking down to the dock beside Clay. “Please just come with me. I promise if you hate it I won’t be mad if you go back to the dock and let someone else try. I just need to do something that feels normal, and I want to do it with my brother.”

Clay sighs, grabbing the life jackets and tossing one to his brother. “Fine,” he relents. “I hate that you use those puppy dog eyes and guilt trip to get your way every time.”

“I’ll teach you how they work,” he smirks, fastening the life jacket on and stepping into the kayak.

Clay is a natural. He kayaks with ease around the lake, hiding his laughs when Justin struggles and quickly grows frustrated. He kayaks over to him with ease, resting his paddle on his legs. “You need to push one way, otherwise you’re just going to keep going in a circle.”

“How did you get so good at this?” Justin asks, following Clay’s lead.

Clay catches up, looking over at him. “Mom and Dad made me do boy scouts when I was little. They said it was a way to make friends, but I actually just hated it the entire time and made zero friends,” he shrugs. “The only thing I really learned was from the trips. Which included camping one weekend.”

“I’m sure you hated that.”

“Oh absolutely, but there was no changing their minds,” Clay smirks, laughing. “And besides, Dad loved the camping part. So they made me stick it through until then.”

Together they kayak around the lake, returning to dock to give someone else a chance. Clay reaches out his hand, helping Justin back up. “You should probably go rest for a minute,” he says carefully, watching as Justin walks back up towards the house.

He turns back, sighing. “I’m going to go lay on the lounge chair, but you don’t need to keep looking out for me, okay? I’ll be okay. I know how to take care of myself.”

“Okay,” Clay nods. “I just… I know you’re excited. And I’m really happy you were able to come and be with us. I just don’t want you to overdo it,” he says. “Besides, this is like, the least anxious you’ve been all summer. It would suck to ruin it over something stupid.”

“I know,” Justin nods. He sits down on the chair, looking up at his brother. “Being away has been the best thing for me, and I’m not going to do something stupid to make this weekend suck.”

Clay takes a breath, nodding. “Deal. I’ll back off, I promise.”

Justin nods, looking back around his brother and down to the dock. “I think your girlfriend needs help getting into the kayak. Maybe you should go help her instead of sitting her watching me,” he smirks. “Help Jess for me, too?”

“Yeah, okay,” Clay nods. Grateful to be given something to do, he glances at Justin again, and then turns back, walking back down to the dock to help both girls into the kayak.

**_______________________________**

Clay and Ani volunteer to make dinner the first night, leaving Justin time to lay in a lounge chair next to Alex on the deck and watch as Charlie and Zach try to build a fire for after dinner.

“How long do you think it’ll take before they’re satisfied?” Justin asks, turning his head to look at Alex.

Alex shrugs, watching both boys in front of them. “Charlie is a perfectionist. At this rate, they're going to work through dinner.”

There’s a beat of silence, and Justin turns to stare back at Charlie and Zach making the fire. “How do you just sit and do nothing? It’s been a week and a half and I feel like I’m going insane.”

“Okay, well I can do things,” Alex smirks, looking back to Justin.

“Sorry,” Justin replies, cheeks flushing. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No, I know,” Alex promises. “It just gets easier. You sort of come to terms with the fact that your body isn’t the same. At least yours is temporary.”

Justin shrugs. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m sure you’ll be back to working with Charlie and Zach soon,” Alex promises. “It is nice having a friend who’s restricted in doing things for a little while, but I have to admit that the only thing that would make this fire building scenario better is if you were trying to help.”

Laughing, Justin watches as they finally get the wood situated in a way they could both agree on, moving his legs when Zach sits down on the edge of his chair. “Alex and I didn’t think you were going to make it to dinner the way you two were going.”

“Yeah, well, we want to make sure the fire is worthwhile,” Charlie argues, sitting on Alex’s chair. “It would be pretty lame if we had a fire to make s’mores and the fire just burnt out before we got to do anything.”

“Justin and I didn’t realize we brought the fire experts with us,” Alex smiles, laughing when Charlie nudges his legs. “I mean, we knew the two of us were going to be pretty useless when it came to helping on this trip, but thankfully we brought the experts with us to at least help with the fire.”

“We should’ve expanded more, Alex, because Clay is pretty hopeless in the kitchen,” Justin teases.

“He has Ani though. Our plan could’ve just been to pair the hopeless people with people who have at least some hope,” Alex smirks.

“I think you’ll find that Charlie and I make a perfect team,” Zach counters, earning a quick agreement from Charlie.

There’s a beat of silence, and Charlie and Zach share a glance before turning to Justin. “Charlie and I have been talking,” Zach says, resting his arm on Justin’s legs. “Have you thought about helping coach Liberty in the fall? You know, maybe work with the defense or help Charlie run plays or something?”

Justin shrugs. “I don’t - Kerba didn’t ask me. He asked you, and you already have that job.”

“He’ll let you do it, too, you know that,” Charlie says. “Zach and I will ask him about it, if you want us to. But we think it’d be good if you came and coached. It would give you something to do, that way you’re not alone and in your own head all the time.”

Charlie doesn’t have to say what he’s thinking for Justin to know. He knows that Charlie is referencing the emails, and for a split second, he almost comes clean to Alex and Zach, too.

Instead he takes a breath, shifting under Zach’s touch. “I’ll think about it,” he agrees, because it feels safe and not a total commitment. “I mean, I know you’re partially asking because you know that me being at practice gives me a better chance to stay clean,” he says, looking at Zach.

“I really was thinking about your sanity,” Zach argues, but there's’ a smile on his face. “If I’m being honest, I don’t think all that much about you staying clean. You just… you sort of just do it now. And I don’t worry about you hiding that.”

Justin’s eyes flick to Charlie, then to Alex, and then back to his lap. “Because I’m sure everyone is going to find out that I’ve been anxious all summer, or having a really hard time or whatever, I’m just going to come clean with it now,” he says, taking a breath. “My biological dad contacted me at the beginning of the summer. He wants me to meet with him, wants to talk about why he left and what’s going on or whatever.”

“Charlie already knows, which is why his, quite frankly, horrible acting is on display for us right now,” he continues, smiling. “I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but Clay knows, and the emails are pretty fucking relentless.”

“Holy shit, Justin,” Zach mumbles, looking at him. “How the fuck have you been keeping this to yourself?”

“Not well,” Justin admits, shrugging. “It’s taken over my life. And I can only talk to Charlie and Clay about it, and Clay just spends his time saying that I need to tell Matt and Lainie.”

“You do,” Alex says, looking over at him. “I know I’m one to talk, because clearly I didn’t follow my own advice in the past, but Matt and Lainie knowing is the best thing for you at this point.”

“I know that,” Justin replies weakly. “I just worry that once they know, that’s it for me. They’ll put an end to the emails and the prospect of even getting to meet my dad in person. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

“I don’t think they’re going to do that,” Charlie says, looking at him. “They know that there are things really important to you, and I think this is one of them. They may be upset at first, and they may put boundaries for your safety, but I don’t think they’re going to flat out say that you can’t see him and all emails have to stop.”

Justin shrugs. “But is it worth me risking it? Because you know Matt and Lainie, and there’s a huge chance that they would want them to stop talking to him,” he says, looking back. “I mean, my anxiety really isn’t doing me any favors. It’s not going to convince them that I’m capable of keeping this conversation going and seeing him in person.”

“You do this every time,” Zach says, looking back to him. “You automatically go to the worst scenario. You tell yourself that it’s never going to work out, that the worst scenario is going to happen to you, and you don’t bother to try. I get it, you know I do. It’s because of your childhood, but you have to try to change that. You have to stop beating yourself up and tell yourself that not everything will end horribly. That sometimes telling people things doesn’t mean it’s going to end badly.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Jensen only want what’s best for you,” Alex says. “Yeah, maybe they’ll be upset that you hid this from them and you tried to manage it all basically by yourself. But they love you, Justin. You’re their son. And if you explained to them why you want to follow through with this and meet with your biological dad, I think they’d understand.”

Justin picks at the grass beside the lawn chair, shrugging. There’s no argument he could have for any of them, and so he just lets it be, thankful when Zach changes the subject between the four of them.

**_______________________________**

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** Pick

_I’m doing this because it’d be good for you to meet me. For us to meet each other. Who says I’m not genuinely interested in getting to know you? Do you think I would’ve contacted you if I wasn’t? I thought it’d be nice to get to know each other, but you don’t seem as excited about it as I do._

_I think it’d be nice if we were all together, but you seem pretty stubborn. Something tells me it won’t be as easy to convince you that that’s doing the right thing. Who’s to say what will happen in the future when we do meet?_

_Pick the day soon, I’m not going to play this game forever._

Justin takes a moment by himself, sitting down on the bed in his and Jess’ room. He can hear his friends in the living room, laughing as they make dinner together on their final night before going home the next morning. He wants to be out there, wants to be ignoring the emails like he has the rest of the trip, but he can’t bring himself to put his phone down.

Because this email is staring back at him, begging to be answered. He feels like it’s taunting him, pulling him away from everything he ever wanted. And while logically he knows putting down his phone and being with his friends is the best thing for him, he can’t stop himself.

He doesn’t feel the panic attack coming. He doesn’t notice the way it feels like the walls are closing in, or his breath is coming out in short spurts. He doesn’t notice Clay pulling the phone out of his hands and bending down in front of him, catching his gaze.

“I need you to focus on me and slow your breathing,” Clay says quietly. “Can I hold your hands?”

Justin nods quickly, trying to focus only on his brother’s words.

Clay takes his hands, squeezing gently. “You’re doing better. Keep breathing with me,” He says quietly. “I’m right here, you’re not alone.”

Exaggerating his breathing, Clay watches his brother follow his lead, his grip loosening as he slowly starts to calm down.

“This email wasn’t even bad,” Justin mumbles when he feels like he can speak, shaking his head. He reaches for the water bottle Clay puts in his hands, taking a sip.

“It’s been adding up for a while, though. These emails have been driving your anxiety wild, and it was only a matter of time before you had a huge panic attack like this.”

“I had one other. With Charlie. A while ago, like right after I told him.”

Clay nods, moving to sit on the bed beside his brother. “Do you want me to answer this email for you, or do you want to ignore it?”

Justin takes a breath. “You answer it,” He decides. “Ask him how he got my email, and tell him that we can meet next Saturday.”

“Justin…”

“Please, Clay,” Justin says, voice breaking as he looks at his brother. “The only way this will all end is if I just meet him and get it over with. And then I can be at peace.”

For a moment, Justin thinks an argument is about to break out. He knows Clay is protective, and for a minute, he doesn’t blame him.

But Clay just nods, beginning to type. Justin focuses on his breathing, staring out the window at the waves breaking against the shore, only breaking his stare when Clay nudges his shoulder. “Read before I send.”

**To:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Pick

_Before we meet, tell me how you got my email. I at least deserve that before I meet you in person._

_We can meet next Saturday if you’re free._

Justin hits send himself, shoulders relaxing slightly. He lets his phone fall onto the bed, hyperaware that Clay is still beside him, knee knocking against his gently.

“Justin,” he breathes, pausing. “You need to tell Mom and Dad.”

Justin presses his hands into the mattress, chewing on his lip, he nods. “Right when we get home, I’ll sit down with them and tell them everything,” he promises.

It’s enough for Clay, who pats his brother’s leg gently. “Do you feel okay to go out with everyone? Dinner is almost ready, and Jess was wondering where you were.”

“Okay, yeah,” Justin breathes, standing up.

“Did you take your meds?”

Clay’s not surprised to be met with a glare, biting back a smile as he watches Justin grab his pills. “It’s what I came in here to do, and then I got distracted,” he says weakly, using the water in his hands to drink it. “I’ve been good about it the rest of the time.”

“You have,” Clay agrees, waiting to follow his brother out of the room.

Jess smiles when she sees them coming, walking over to kiss Justin softly. “Everything okay?”

Justin smiles, wrapping his arms around her middle and kissing her again. “Perfect,” He mumbles, pressing his forehead against hers.

**_______________________________**

Their last bonfire of the weekend is extravagant and perfect all at the same time. Jess and Justin huddle together wrapped in blankets next to Clay and Ani, who are failing at roasting marshmallows. Jess laughs, pressing her head against Justin’s as they savor the final few hours of their trip together.

“This was our best idea yet,” Jess says quietly, taking the bag of marshmallows from Ani and smiling. “Did you have a good time?”

“Coming here was the best thing for me,” he mumbles. He waits a moment, confident that everyone is engrossed in their own conversations. “I’m going to tell my parents about the emails tomorrow.”

Jess turns to look at him. “Are you nervous?”

“Terrified,” he nods. “But I can’t keep this to myself anymore, and I’m going to meet him in person next week, so.”

“You are?”

Justin nods. “Clay helped me send the email earlier today. I know that the only way I’ll feel peace about this is if I meet with him. I just need to do it.”

Jess kisses him, resting her hands against his face. “Tell me what you need when you need it. I’ll be right there, okay?” She says softly.

Justin nods, kissing her again. “Thank you,” he whispers, smiling as they turn to roast their marshmallows, savoring the last few hours of their trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i hope you're still enjoying this :) we're not far from the end! things will start moving quicker now :)
> 
> i can't wait for you to read the end! 
> 
> more will be up on Tuesday :) have a good weekend, stay safe <3 <3 <3


	12. twelve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin makes plans and finally comes clean to Matt and Lainie.

**To:** Justin Foley <justin.foley@gmail.com>  
 **From:** Austin Caldwell <acaldwell7@gmail.com>  
 **Subject:** RE: Pick

_I’ll answer this question only._

_I knew your name. Your mother informed me of your birth, and I never forgot it. I googled you, found your LinkedIn - although I do think you’re a bit young to even have one, I suspect it was for a class grade - and recognized that it had to be you immediately. While you have some of my features, you look like your mother. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind it was you. Maybe you should be more careful about where you put your email address._

_We can meet next Saturday at 11am. Rosie’s Diner in Evergreen - I’ll be convenient for you._

_Don’t be late, and don’t stand me up._

Jess wraps her arms around Justin’s middle, kissing his jawline. “I’m sad we have to leave this place,” she mumbles, smiling. “Four whole days of getting you almost to myself? How are we going to find time like this again?”

“Clay said he’s going to see Ani more often,” Justin sighs, wrapping his arms around her. “Which means I’m going to have the outhouse to myself a lot more. You can come over.”

Jess leans back, smiling. “More time to ourselves?” She asks, kissing him softly. “Your parents going to be okay with that?”

Justin shrugs, kissing her temple. “They love you and they trust me. I don’t think they’ll care,” he says quietly, holding her for a moment.

Ani and Clay walk out, Clay looking back towards Justin and Jess. “Come on, we have to get going,” he says reluctantly, giving Justin a minute to say goodbye.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jess asks, kissing him.

“Sure,” Justin nods, kissing her before walking over towards his and Clay’s car.

“My dad emailed me,” he announces quietly when he’s within Clay’s earshot, tossing his bag into the back seat. “Told me to meet him on Saturday at Rosie’s Diner.”

“Are you positive you want to go through with this?” Clay asks, tossing his bag in the back seat of their car and taking the keys from Justin. “He’s a huge dick, Justin. No one would blame you if you just ended this now and we moved on.”

“I need to do this,” Justin says, adamant as he slides into the passenger seat. “I’ll feel better knowing that when we finish this, I don’t have to talk to him again.”

Clay nods, turning on the GPS and his music, navigating back to the highway along with everyone else.

“I’m nervous about telling Mom and Dad,” Justin admits after a few minutes, head pressed against the window. “They're going to be so upset with me.”

“Maybe at first,” Clay admits, shrugging. “But they're going to want to help, Justin. And you have to let them.”

“I know,” Justin nods. He chews on the corner of his lip, sighing.

“Do you want me to be there with you when you tell them? I won’t say anything unless you need me to.”

Justin gives himself a moment before he nods. “Okay, yeah,” he says softly. “But you have to let me tell everything myself. I have to be the one to get it all out, even if it takes me a while.”

Clay agrees, glancing back at his brother as he safely merges onto the highway. “They’ll both be home when we get there. Want to get it over with right away?”

“Please,” Justin sighs, looking back to him. “I’m ready for this to be lifted off of me. For this to not be a secret hanging over me anymore. And I know they might be upset with me, but I’m ready to deal with whatever they say.”

Clay nods, turning back. “They love you, Justin. And any disappointment they feel initially won’t change that.”

Justin lets the words ring through his mind as Clay turns up the music, humming along as they inch closer to home.

**_______________________________**

Clay turned the car off five minutes ago, waiting for Justin to unbuckle his seatbelt.

“We’ll wait as long as you need, but I’m not going to leave you alone when we go in there.”

Justin nods, staring at the front door. “Let’s just go do this,” he whispers, unbuckling his seatbelt and grabbing his things out of the back seat.

“Our boys are home!” Lainie says when the front door opens, looking up from her spot on the sofa where she had been reading. “Did you two have a good weekend?”

“It was really fun,” Clay says, dropping his bag. “No one got hurt, everyone had a really good time, and it was fun to be together.”

“It was quiet without you two here,” Matt says, walking in from the kitchen. “It felt weird not having kids for a few days. I think it just means your mother and I aren’t ready to be empty nesters quite yet.”

Lainie smiles, setting her book down as Matt sits down in the chair. “Justin, what about you, love? Did you have a good time?”

Justin looks up, nodding. “It was a good time,” he agrees distractedly. “Can we um, can we all talk?” He asks, looking to Clay for reassurance.

Lainie bookmarks her place in her book, setting it on the coffee table. “Why don’t you come sit down with us, sweetheart,” she says, sitting up. “Do you want Clay to stay?”

“Yeah,” Justin nods, swallowing as he walks around, sitting on the sofa beside Lainie.

Clay takes the other chair, giving Justin a nod of encouragement.

Justin takes a breath, staring at his hands. “My anxiety has been really bad the last few months,” he says quietly. “I know I kept saying I didn’t want to talk about it or I was fine, and I know I should’ve come to you sooner, but I’m ready to talk about it now.”

He forces himself to look up, eyes flicking between Matt and Lainie before glancing at Clay and then back to Lainie. “My biological father emailed me at the end of spring semester. He wanted to meet me in person, talk about why he left and where he’s been all of these years,” he says quickly, leaning back against the sofa. “I emailed back and forth with him, but he’s pretty manipulative. He knows what to say to get me to react.”

“How many emails, Justin?” Lainie asks, her voice even. Her gaze is full of concern, her hand reaching to rest just by his on the cushion between them.

Justin shrugs. “Maybe 50? I haven’t… I didn’t count them,” he admits. “There’s been a lot of them, and I’ve responded to almost every one.”

Matt nods. “Can we see the emails, Justin?”

Justin sighs, pulling his phone out and scrolling to the folder he made on the drive home, pulling up the first email. “That’s the first email he sent. You can go through that whole folder, I don’t mind.”

“I didn’t tell you guys sooner because I knew that once you knew you would have opinions. And I’m afraid that you won’t let me see this through. That you’ll make me stop emailing him or you won’t let me see him in person, and I… I have so many questions that I think I need to solve now.”

“You want to see him in person?” Lainie asks, looking at her husband. Matt’s eyes are knitted in concern, scrolling through the emails. “Justin, you should have told us. You should have known that you could come to us sooner with this sort of information.”

“I _know_ ,” he sighs, folding his hands together. “I was just scared that you guys would get mad or upset and I wanted to be able to figure it out on my own. But my anxiety has gotten worse and I haven’t been able to deal with it and I’m sorry.”

Matt hands Justin’s phone to Lainie after Justin gives the okay, looking back to his youngest. “How long has Clay known?”

“Since my surgery,” Justin mumbles, sinking against the cushions. “He saw the emails when I gave him my phone to email my professor that I’d be out. He went through them then while I was in surgery, and he wanted me to tell you guys right away. We talked about it when you guys went to get dinner that night when I was still in the hospital.”

“Clay was right, you should have told us sooner,” Matt sighs. “Kiddo, this is serious. He’s emotionally abusing you.”

Justin nods, swallowing roughly.

“I get why he didn’t want to tell you,” Clay steps in, sitting up straighter. “He was scared. What if you had never met your dad and he got in contact? You’d want to know, wouldn’t you?”

Justin watches the realization wash over Matt. “At the beginning of the summer when you asked me if I would’ve wanted to meet my biological father had I been in that position, when Lainie was getting Clay. You… this is why, isn’t it?”

Justin ducks his head, nodding. “It is,” he mumbles.

“Clay, you should have told us if your brother wouldn’t,” Lainie insists, scrolling through the emails carefully. She turns back to Justin, sighing. “This is serious, Justin. The things he’s said to you, the way he’s emotionally abused you, you - this could be much worse than it is.”

“I know,” Justin whispers, tracing a pattern on his sweatpants. “I’m sorry.”

Setting the phone down, Lainie looks back to Matt. “Clay, honey, could you give us a few minutes alone with your brother?” She asks, and then turns to Justin. “I promise you we are not going to yell at you. We just want to talk about everything with just you, okay?”

Sucking in a breath, Justin nods. His eyes watch Clay linger for a moment, and he gives him a careful nod, watching as he leaves the room.

Lainie waits a moment, collecting her thoughts. She looks to Matt, and then focuses back on Justin, who’s sunken into the cushions and picking at his sweatpants nervously. “Justin, love, we are not mad about what has happened over the last few months,” she begins, folding her hands in her lap. “We’re disappointed that you didn’t come to us, or felt that you had to hide this from us, but we are not mad at you.”

Justin’s shoulders relax. “I didn’t mean to hide this from you guys,” he says softly. “At least not for this long.”

“Things started spiraling quickly, didn’t they?” Matt asks, leaning forward. “You felt in control until all of a sudden you didn’t.”

Justin nods. “And then I kept thinking if I just go along with what he wants, I’ll get answers to questions I didn’t know I had before. I never - my mom never talked about my dad. And now it’s like I have this chance to ask him everything I’ve wanted to know.”

“You understand that what he’s done in a majority of those emails is emotionally abuse you,” Matt says, looking at his son.

Justin nods, and then looks up. “But I’ve been through worse.”

“Emotional abuse is no better than the abuse you’ve been through,” Lainie says, stepping in. “Just because he didn’t touch you or force you to do something you didn’t consent to doesn’t mean that this isn’t just as bad.”

“I could stop it at any time.”

“That doesn’t make us think this is any less important than physical or sexual abuse,” Lainie reminds him gently.

Justin rubs his hands together, focusing on taking deep breaths. “Are you going to let me see him? Am I going to be allowed to meet him in person this weekend?”

“Breathe,” Lainie says softly, watching the anxiety slowly build in her youngest. “Do you want your anxiety medication?”

“No,” Justin says, taking an exaggerated breath and shaking his head. “I’m fine.”

Lainie hesitates, debating on using her authority and giving him the medication anyway. Matt shakes his head subtly at her, and then looks back to Justin.

“How do you think your anxiety will be on Saturday when you go to meet him in person?” Matt asks. “We need you to be honest, Justin. Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear, or what you think the right answer is.”

Justin nods. He thinks about it for a moment, shrugging. “I think leading up to it it’ll be pretty bad. I probably won’t be able to sleep Friday night,” he begins, looking up at them. “I think it will be really bad when I get there and I know that it’s about to happen.”

“Do you think you’ll have a full panic attack?” Matt asks gently.

“Yes,” he admits, unable to find the strength to lie.

Matt nods. “What are some ways you think you could help ease your anxiety in the coming days?”

“Take my anxiety medication,” he rattles off easily, looking up. “Talk to you guys, put my thoughts and my needs before anything else.”

Lainie smiles. “And what about that morning?”

“Focus on my breathing, talk, not be by myself,” he shrugs. “Do you guys think it’s a good idea for me to go?”

He watches Matt and Lainie look at each other. “We’re worried about you, kiddo,” Matt sighs. “You haven’t been handling this well on your own. We can at least hope that you’ve talked to Clay about it.”

“I have,” Justin confirms quickly. “And before Clay knew, I talked to Charlie about it. I promise I didn’t go through it alone the whole time.”

“But you did still hide it,” Lainie reminds him gently. “Justin, your dad and I worry about your mental health. We worry that you’re not ready for this, and that coping with this will be a lot on your mind.”

Justin nods in understanding. Preparing himself for the letdown, he sinks back.

“Ideally we would have wanted you to meet with Dr. Ellman before you met with your biological father. He would have been able to appropriately assess when you were ready for this,” she continues. “But we also understand that you’re an adult and you have your own wants and desires. You’ll be 19 in a few weeks, and you deserve to be able to make decisions that you feel are in your best interests.”

“But we all know I need more guidance than Clay.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” Matt steps in, leaning forward. “Your mother and I are here for any guidance that you need, whenever you need it. We are not going to leave you to make decisions you’re not confident about. We do the same for Clay when he needs it.”

“It’s not a bad thing that you need more guidance than Clay,” Lainie says, reaching her hand over to rest on her son’s arm. “You have been through so much, love. Much more than a child should have ever had to go through. And as your parents, it’s our job to make sure that we protect you and help you when you need it the most.”

Justin takes a breath. “So if I was a minor, would you let me go?”

“Probably not,” Lainie admits, squeezing his forearm gently. “But you are an adult, and we’re going to trust you, love. Do you think you’re ready to meet with him on Saturday?”

Justin chews on his lip. “I don’t know,” he admits, and then looks up. “But I want to try. And after I meet with him in person, I don’t think I’ll want any more contact with him.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. “Can we tell you what we’d like to do to make sure this goes successfully?”

She waits for Justin to nod.

“Either your dad, Clay or I have to go with you,” she begins. “We don’t have to go inside, or sit with you unless you want us to, but we at least need to go with you and sit in the car.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He takes a breath, sitting up. “Can it be Clay?”

“If he’s willing,” Matt nods. He looks at his wife before speaking. “We also need you to acknowledge your anxiety. Don’t push through it to go to the meeting. Your biological father’s threats hold no weight if you don’t show up or you’re late to meeting with him. You are safe here with us, we will not let anyone hurt you.”

Justin picks at his cuticle, nodding once more. “I need to do this.”

“And we will support you, love,” Lainie smiles. “We wish you would have come to us sooner, but we are here for you now. And we can discuss how to navigate the future after you’ve met with him.”

“Thank you,” Justin says, looking between them both. “Can I go unpack and find Clay?”

“Go,” Lainie smiles. “Bring your laundry from this weekend in to be washed, please. And put your medication back in the bin in the kitchen.”

Justin nods, standing up and walking back through the kitchen with his bag. Lainie turns to her husband, sighing.

“I didn’t think we’d be dealing with a situation of this gravity,” she admits, standing up to hug him.

Matt rests his chin on the top of her head, sighing. “Neither did I,” he agrees. “All we can do is support him, Lain. We have to trust that he can make these decisions on his own.”

Lainie nods. She lets the silence fall over them for a moment, listening to the steady beat of his heart and his rhythmic breathing, and then takes a breath. “I want him to see Dr. Ellman after he meets with his biological father.”

“So do I,” Matt nods. “And if he doesn’t bring it up himself, then we will suggest it on Saturday evening, depending on how he’s doing when he gets home.”

Lainie sighs. “He can’t be alone on Saturday, or in the days leading up to it. He’ll probably be annoyed, but I’m willing to deal with him being upset if it means we know he’s safe.”

Matt nods against the top of her head. “Are you worried about him relapsing?”

Shaking her head, Lainie pulls away. “I’m worried about him making an impulse decision as a result of what happens while speaking with Austin, or his resulting anxiety.”

Matt smiles. “We will watch him carefully, support him when he needs it, and hope that we’re making the right decisions in a short amount of time,” he promises. “I’m just relieved we have an answer as to what’s been happening. I feel a little better knowing he had his friends when he felt he couldn’t tell us.”

**_______________________________**

Justin drops his bag on his bed in the outhouse, pulling his clothes out and sorting them to take them back in to be washed.

“Are they letting you go see him?”

Justin turns back to see Clay sitting on his bed, sighing. “Yes, but one of you has to come with me,” he says quickly. “And I need it to be you. If you feel like it can be.”

“It can be,” Clay answers quickly. “I will come with you, and I’ll do anything you need me to do.”

Justin takes a breath. “You have to bring my anxiety meds with you,” he begins, turning to sit on his bed and face his brother. “I need you to stay in the car and wait for me. Give me the space I need to go through with this. And I need you to promise me that you won’t try to talk me out of going through with it. Because I need this, Clay. I need to prove to myself that I can fucking go through with this and not be a coward and run away from something again.”

Clay nods. “Can I hug you?”

Justin wipes at his eyes, nodding quickly. He laughs when Clay comes to sit beside him, hugging him tightly.

“You don’t have to prove to anyone that you’re not a coward. You’re the bravest person I know, Justin. And we love you, and it’s going to be okay. You’re never leaving us, and we’re always going to make sure you’re safe.”

“I love you,” Justin whispers, balling Clay’s sweatshirts in his fists as he hugs him tighter.

Clay doesn’t let go until Justin initiates, a silent promise between the two of them that they will get through this together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is what you've all been waiting for! i can't wait for you to read it :)
> 
> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i can't believe how quickly this story has gone by, and i hope you're still enjoying it.
> 
> more will be up on friday! 
> 
> stay safe everyone <3


	13. thirteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin meets with Austin in person.

Justin doesn’t sleep before meeting with Austin.

Clay watches for a while, lame attempts to distract his brother falling on deaf ears. Justin shakes his head, stares at the ceiling, and wills Clay to go to sleep so he can just have a minute to himself.

He drags himself into the house in the morning, Clay smiling sympathetically at him when he sinks into his chair.

Matt turns to hand him his plate, studying him for a moment. “Eat as much as you can,” he says, noticing Justin’s nerves. “Take a deep breath.”

Justin nods, stabbing his eggs with his fork and leaning his head in his free hand. “Do you think I should go?”

Lainie looks up. “We support whatever you feel you need to do,” she reminds him, which Justin knows means that they don’t agree, but they understand. “If you don’t want to go, you can still change your mind. You can always change your mind, love.”

Justin forces himself to take a bite. “I need to do it. I’ll be mad at myself if I don’t, and I deserve answers.”

“Do you want me to come inside with you?” Clay asks. “I know you said the other day that you didn’t, but did that change?”

“No,” Justin says, shaking his head. “I want to go in alone, and I want you to wait in the car. I’ll just - if I need you, I’ll text you to come in.”

Clay glances at his parents, and then nods. “I’m trusting you to tell me if you need me.”

“Okay, Clay,” Justin sighs, taking another bite of his breakfast. He eats half, and then pushes his plate away. “I have to go get ready.”

Lainie doesn’t stop him, watching as he puts his plate in the sink and disappears out the back door once again.

“It’s going to be a really bad anxiety day for him,” Clay comments, taking a bite of his breakfast. “He’s already not doing well.”

Lainie nods. “Do you feel equipped to manage that?” She asks. “It’s likely it will get worse after he meets with Austin. Are you okay to get him through that until you get home?”

There’s no hesitation in Clay’s affirmation. “I’ve gotten him through panic attacks before. I’ll be able to do it again, and I’ll have his meds with me if he needs them.”

Matt seems confident, sitting back down at the table. “If you need us, or if Justin needs us, we’ll be home all day. Just call and we’ll come over and help you guys, okay?”

Clay reaches for his coffee. “I don’t want him to shut us out.”

“We don’t either, honey,” Lainie agrees. “We’re going to ask that he’s not alone today, or really the weekend, for that matter. This isn’t going to be something that ends after a few hours. Your father and I are wary about letting him go through with this, but we understand that he needs to be trusted to make decisions he feels are right for him.”

“Will he see Dr. Ellman after this?”

“We’re going to strongly suggest it,” Matt says, reaching for the creamer in the middle of the table. “Ultimately, he’s an adult. We cannot force him to go to therapy if he doesn’t want to, but we both agree that we think he would benefit from at least a few sessions, and we think he’ll feel the same.”

Clay nods, swallowing his bite of toast. He debates within himself for a moment, and then decides there’s one more thing he has to come clean about. “That day we went out after his surgery, when you guys got worried because we were gone for almost two hours?” Clay begins, taking a breath. “We were back in his old neighborhood. Visiting his mom. He wanted to see if she had answers as to who his dad was.”

Lainie lets her head fall to her hands. “Clay…”

“I know it was a horrible idea,” Clay begins, holding his hands up. “I shouldn’t have taken him there. I shouldn’t have agreed to go along with it, but he was so desperate and I just thought… I thought if I could do anything to ease his anxiety, then I was going to do it. And I thought that me going with him was better than him going alone.”

“You were right about that, at least,” Matt sighs. “Him going alone would have been worse. We just wish you would’ve come to us and not gone through with taking him just because you thought it would make him feel better.”

Sighing, Clay finishes the rest of his coffee. “I was stuck in the middle. If I told you guys what was going on, he would’ve never trusted me again. We’ve spent so long learning to trust each other, and I wasn’t going to let one second stop that.”

“But you could’ve stopped him from going,” Lainie says, stirring the creamer into her coffee. “We’re not happy with the decision that you chose that afternoon, but we are glad that you were at least with him.”

Clay nods, looking back to Justin when he walks in the door. “Can we leave? We’re going to be late if we wait any longer.”

“Sure,” Clay nods. “Let me go get changed.”

He slips out the back door, leaving Justin to sink back into his chair and tap his fingers against the table. Lainie watches, voice stuck in her throat and the words lost in her mind to make her son feel better.

“Talk to us, kiddo,” Matt says, kind eyes looking back at his son. “Don’t shut us out. We want to help, you just have to let us in.”

“I feel like I’m going to be sick, but I know that it’s just anxiety,” he says, staring at the table. “Do you think it’s going to be okay?”

Lainie puts on a brave face, smiling. “We do. You’ll be fine, love. Clay will be right outside if you need him, and Matt and I can be there quickly if you need us to be.”

Justin nods, looking up. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest sooner.”

“It’s okay,” Lainie nods. She’s still upset, Justin knows, but her words feel like they mean something. “We’ll work through it now, okay?”

Justin gives her half a smile, nodding as Clay walks back in. “Ready to go?”

Standing, Justin relaxes into Lainie’s offer of a hug. “Everything will be okay,” she whispers, feeling her arms wrap tighter around him. “We love you, Justin. And you are our son, and nothing will change that. Call us if you need us, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispers, letting go of Lainie to hug Matt quickly. He follows Clay out the back door, swallowing the sick feeling in his stomach and watching as his brother drives the short distance to the diner, parking just near the door.

“We’re a few minutes early,” Clay says quietly, looking over at Justin. His face is pressed against the window, staring at the entrance of the diner. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

Clay hesitates. “Okay,” he nods, tapping his fingers against his thigh. “What can I do to help?”

Justin pulls his head from the cool glass pressed against his forehead, looking at his brother. “You’ve done more than I could’ve ever asked,” he says quietly. “Just you being here is enough.”

Clay sighs. “I feel like I haven’t done enough. It took you so long to tell me what was going on.”

“I was scared, Clay,” Justin says quietly. “You were going to be so protective, and I didn’t want you to worry about me more than you already do.”

“I always worry about you,” Clay reminds him, “you don’t have to worry about making it worse.”

Justin laughs. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he looks at the clock and takes a breath. “I’m going to go in. You’ll be right here?”

There’s something about the way he asks - so innocent, so apprehensive - that Clay almost wants to turn around and drive home with his brother with him, abandoning the visit. “I’ll be right here, I promise,” he smiles. “And if you need me, you can text me and I’ll come in, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin says, taking another breath and opening his door. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Hey, Justin,” Clay calls, rolling down the window. He waits until Justin turns back to look at him. “I love you.”

It earns a smile from Justin. “I love you, too,” he replies, walking into the diner and disappearing from Clay.

It’s Clay’s turn to worry.

**_______________________________**

Austin’s already there when Justin arrives. Justin sees him as the hostess leads him to the table, and his legs grow weak.

He has Austin’s coloring. The light brown hair, the pale blue eyes. He’s bigger than Justin, broad shoulders and about 6 feet tall. He smiles when Justin sinks into the chair beside him, folding his hands in front of him.

“You look different from the picture you have online,” he remarks, a smirk on his face. “Smaller than I thought you’d be.”

“Built like Amber, I guess,” Justin shrugs. He squeezes his thigh with his fingers, taking a breath. “Why did you want to meet me so bad?”

“Right to the point, I guess,” he smiles. “I wanted to tell you why I did what I did.”

Justin shrugs, staring straight ahead. He orders a soda from the waitress, and then turns back. “So then talk.”

“Still cocky,” Austin laughs. “I used to be a drug addict, too. Hard stuff, anything I could get my hands on. That’s all me and your mother did. Get high and spend our days looking for our next hit. She wasn’t supposed to get pregnant with you. A kid was never part of that plan.”

“But she did.”

“And I ran,” he replies, his voice smug. Justin tenses his hand into a fist, then releases. “I ran back to my parents, who put me into rehab and got me clean once and for all.”

“You see the thing is, Justin, I come from a rich family. Two houses, jet skis, a boat, anything I could have ever wanted. Your mother didn’t. My family was willing to help me, willing to push me into rehab. They didn’t disown me like your mother’s family did.”

Justin flinches. “Are you blaming the fact that you left on Amber?” He asks quietly, acutely aware of the families sitting around them. “She had nothing to do with the fact that you packed your bags and left.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

Justin goes rigid. “I don’t know? Help get Amber clean, stick around and help raise the child that you helped create?”

“You said you never needed a dad.”

Justin rolls his eyes. “That doesn’t mean it gives you the right to up and leave. Who knows what my life would have been like if you were there. Maybe Amber would’ve been clean. Maybe we would’ve had a better life. Clearly you’ve done okay for yourself,” Justin says, gesturing the wedding ring that’s glaringly obvious on Austin’s finger.

“I did,” Austin nods, hiding his smirk as he shows off the ring. “I’m an executive at a tech startup. Married for 13 years, two kids. An 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son.”

“And you stuck around for them?” Justin asks. It’s rude and petty, but his breathing is getting quicker and he’s growing more upset with the information he’s being given. “Must be nice for them, to know that their dad wanted to be there for them. Wanted them at all.”

“I was a different man then,” Austin replies, his voice cool and even as he taps his fingers against the table.

Justin blinks back at him. “Then why didn’t you get in touch with me back then?” He challenges, pinching his thigh. “If you remembered who my mom was back then and you remembered my name, you could’ve said something. You could have found a way to get in touch with me, or come see me, or something. Why did you choose now to get back in touch with me?”

He tenses his hands, chewing on his lip. “This whole thing was just some power trip for you. You get off on knowing that you can come back and brag about how great you are and how amazing your life was without me.”

“I told your mom to just abandon you,” Austin replies, sucking the breath out of Justin. His fingers shake as he narrows at his eyes. “I told her if she just got rid of you, she could go back to her old life. Getting high, moving around. She thought about doing it for a while, but decided to keep you.”

“And that’s when you ran,” Justin finishes, swallowing the sick feeling in his stomach. “So why the fuck do you want to know me now?”

“I wanted to start over.”

“You thought telling me you wanted my mom to abandon me is the right way to start over?” He asks. He can hear his voice shaking, his leg tapping against the tile floor uncontrollably. “You wanted to brag about how great your life is. You thought I was still going to be with my mom, and you thought you could come here and tell me all about how you’re married and you have this great family and money and you don’t worry about anything anymore. You lied about us being a family again for your own ego.”

He looks around, eyes darting to the other tables and relieved to find that no one is looking at them. Austin doesn’t seem phased by his outburst, the smile tugging at his lips only making Justin more infuriated.

“You kept going on and on about your adopted family. How you got away from your mom, you have this new family that loves you,” Austin continues, pivoting the conversation. “But they’re not here with you, are they?”

“Why does it matter?” Justin asks. “I’m an adult, they don’t have to be with me everywhere.”

“Do they know about me?”

Justin shrugs. “Yes, they do. Not that they think very highly of you.”

“I bet they’d be happy if you did decide to leave them again. Go back to your mom, reconnect with me. It sounds like the perfect scenario for all of you. They go back to their normal life, and you get to be with your real parents.”

Justin glances to the door. “I am their family now. They’re my parents, and Amber isn’t my mother anymore. They don’t want me to leave them to get back in touch with you, or to be with my mom. Was that really why you contacted me? To pull me away from them?”

“I contacted you to make amends,” Austin clarifies. “I thought you’d be receptive to that. To want to make amends and form a relationship. And then you kept bragging about your new family. How they saved you. And I don’t think I quite believed that someone could have such an impact on you. It made me more determined to meet you in person, to prove that I’m ready to have you part of my life. I wanted to make things better.”

Taking a breath, he leans forward. “What you don’t know about me, Austin, is that not only was I a heroin addict, but I was also abused. By multiple people. Getting away from Amber, being adopted, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Unlike you, who got back in touch with me because you wanted to brag about your life.”

“My life hasn’t been easy. Amber cared more about scoring a hit than she did about feeding me dinner. She let me be abused by almost all of her boyfriends. I was homeless for six months, but she didn’t care.” His voice is shaking as he speaks, pausing to take a breath. “My family now? They pulled me off the streets. They gave me a home, a bed, clean clothes, and I’ve never really had that before. They helped me get clean, they sent me to rehab. They gave me stability. They gave me a place to go, adults to help me through situations, parents who loved me just because I was me. I didn’t have to do anything to be loved by them. I don’t owe them something to gain their love.”

“I have HIV. And when I was diagnosed after being sexually abused when I was homeless, they sat with me as I adjusted to the medication. They’ve been at every single doctors appointment. They put me in therapy, they helped me get into college, they taught me what it meant to have a family that would be there with you through everything. I’ve thrown a lot of shit at them, and they’ve never stopped loving me.”

“You can keep saying you want to be a family, but we both know that isn’t what you want. You wanted to be able to come here and brag about how great you're doing and how amazing your life has been since you left us. You were hoping that I would still be with Amber, miserable, poor, and struggling out of high school. You were hoping to play the hero, but it didn’t work, and now you’re angry. You kept calling me a coward, but it’s been you that’s the coward this whole time.”

Standing up, Justin looks down at him. “I might not have your money, or the picture perfect family life your kids will have, but I’m better off for it. Because for every terrible thing I’ve gone through, in the end I got my family. I have a brother and a mom and a dad, and they love me for everything that I am. It’s more than you could ever say you felt for me.”

He slams cash down on the table for his drink, turning and leaving before Austin has a chance to reply.

**_______________________________**

Clay texted Justin four times in the span of 45 minutes.

All of them were left unanswered. And maybe it’s Clay being dramatic or overprotective, but just to prove to himself that he’s not going crazy, he calls his dad.

“Justin hasn’t answered my texts, and he’s been in there for almost an hour,” he says, beginning the phone call when his dad answers. “I know I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m worried that maybe something is going wrong.”

He can hear his dad talking to his mom, and then the phone shifts. “We want you to go inside. Just check on him. But if it looks like it’s going well, leave him be, okay? He wants to do this on his own, we owe him that.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Clay hears rustling, and then his dad begins speaking again. “I’m on my way right now. Go inside in five minutes, okay? That way I’m almost there if something is wrong.”

“Okay,” Clay agrees, hanging up and anxiously counting down the minutes until he’s allowed to go inside.

What he isn’t expecting is to be almost hit by the door by his brother, who’s breathing is erratic and he’s walking like he needs to get out of there. “Justin, hey,” Clay says, apprehensively reaching out to grab Justin’s arm.

Justin flinches, eyes wide when he realizes it’s his brother. “Clay,” he whispers, his voice strained. “Dad,” he continues, looking around Clay to Matt, who’s walking calmly up to his boys.

“You okay, kid?” He asks, not surprised when Justin shakes his head. “Is Austin still in there?”

“Yeah. Blue shirt,” Justin rasps, trying to slow his breathing.

Matt nods, looking at Clay. “Take your brother to the car, but don’t leave yet, okay? Try to get him to slow his breathing,” he explains, turning to Justin. “Justin, buddy, go with Clay. I’ll be right there, okay?” He says, waiting for Justin to nod. “You’re safe, we’re right here. Nothing is going to happen to you.”

He nods once more, letting Clay put his arm around him as they walk back towards the car. Matt watches, and then turns to find that Austin is standing behind him, the door shutting behind him as he walks out.

“You must be Justin’s new dad.”

“I’m Matt, Justin’s father,” he replies curtly, facing the much larger man. “I don’t know what happened today, but I do know that the way you’ve handled wanting to get in touch with my son was inappropriate and needed to be handled better.”

“Wasn’t gonna get an answer from his mother.”

“You harassed my son over email for months. You manipulated him, emotionally abused him to get what you wanted. Justin wanted to know you, and we let him continue speaking to you. But I wish we hadn’t,” he says, looking at him. “You had no right to treat Justin the way that you have over the last few months. He is a person, a person who has feelings that you knew would be stirred by his biological father calling him after never once getting in contact with him before.”

Matt, who’s normal calm demeanor has now been replaced with a much angrier one, stands up straighter. “Don’t contact Justin again. Delete his contact from your email, and don’t show up here. You’re not welcome, and Justin won’t want to be seeing you again.”

“Justin doesn’t need to worry about that,” Austin remarks. “I don’t want to speak to someone as cowardly and emotional as him.”

He leaves before Matt can reply, speeding off as Matt makes his way back to his sons. Justin is sitting in the passenger seat, legs flat on the pavement as Clay leans against the car watching carefully.

“He drank a lot of that water. Still anxious, but it’s a little better,” Clay informs his father.

Matt smiles. “Good job, kiddo,” he whispers, bending down in front of Justin. “Hey, buddy. You okay?”

Justin looks up, taking exaggerated breaths. “I don’t know.”

“Okay, that’s okay,” he nods. “Just keep breathing, you’re fine. Can you take another sip of water for me? It’s just Clay and I here, okay? You’re safe.”

He nods, taking another sip of water. “I wanted to handle it better,” he whispers. “I told him I had HIV. I ranted and I just kept saying things, and then I walked out like a coward.”

“Justin, look at me,” Matt says, resting his hands in his own lap. “You are not a coward, okay? It was brave, what you did. Standing up in front of him and not letting him walk over you. We are very proud of you, but now we need to make sure you’re okay.”

He averts his eyes, sucking in a breath.

“Do you want your medication?” Matt asks.

“Not yet.” Justin takes a breath. “I want to go home.”

“We can do that,” Matt smiles. “Are you okay to be with Clay?”

He waits until Justin nods, standing up and kissing his head. “I love you, buddy. I’m very proud of you.”

“I love you,” Justin says quietly, moving so his legs are in the car.

Matt shuts the door, turning back to Clay. “Go straight home. I’ll tell Mom that Justin’s not doing well and that he’s going to need us a little more today, but the last thing he needs is to be out right now.”

“Straight home, got it,” Clay nods. “Thank you for coming.”

Matt smiles, squeezing Clay’s shoulder. “Always, kiddo. I love you. Thank you for being there for your brother.”

Clay smiles, walking around the car and climbing into the driver seat. Matt gets into his own car, watching his sons leave, and sends a quick text to Lainie before following them home.

**_______________________________**

Lainie’s in the kitchen making toast and pouring a glass of water when Matt walks inside, kissing her.

“Clay’s convinced Justin to take his medication, but since he didn’t eat at the diner, I need him to eat a little toast,” he continues. “He’s pretty shaken up.”

Matt nods, setting his keys down on the counter and wiping his hand over his face. “He had a pretty big panic attack. Clay got him through it, but he needed some reassuring from me,” he explains. “He called himself a coward.”

Lainie knits her eyebrows together, chewing on her lip. “We will get him through this,” she declares, looking back to her husband. “We will make him understand that he is brave, and smart, and in no way a coward for what happened the last few months.”

She takes the toast and butters it, turning back and walking into the living room. Matt watches, smiling as his wife sets the toast in Justin’s hand, handing him his pill and the water a few moments later as she runs her fingers through his hair. Her tone is quiet, smile kind, and when Justin is finished, she presses a kiss to his forehead.

Matt watches his wife love and take care of the son they never knew they’d have, and his heart swells. Somehow, this is exactly where they were meant to be. Right here, right now, is perfect. And while it isn’t easy, for the first time in a long time, Matt wholly believes that they’re going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the day has finally arrived! you finally get to see that SOMEHOW austin doesn't get any better in person! 
> 
> this chapter is definitely the chapter i'm most nervous about posting. i hope you guys like it!!
> 
> see you on Tuesday :)


	14. fourteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Jensens help Justin in the aftermath.

In the days following the meeting, Justin is subdued.

He sleeps in Clay’s old room on his own insistence, and Clay dutifully sleeps on the sofa in his old room just to be near his brother. Matt and Lainie check in almost too often, finding the boys playing video games or Justin sleeping and Clay reading, but Justin always says he’s not ready to talk.

On Sunday Jess stops by, Clay ushering her to the outhouse as she picks at a loose edge of her purse. “I thought he’d be up to seeing me today,” she sighs, looking back to Clay. “Did yesterday really go that bad?”

“It wasn’t great,” Clay replies. “He was really anxious, and then he just sort of slipped backwards today.”

Jess nods. “Would he be upset if I came inside with you? Even if it’s just for a few minutes. Just so he knows I’m here since you said he doesn’t have his phone or he’s not looking at it.”

Hesitating, Clay agrees. “I’ll go double check with him before you come with me. He’s probably laying on the couch in the living room or sitting in Dad’s office while he grades papers, so he won’t be upset if you’re in the kitchen.”

Jess nods, standing up and following Clay through the backyard. Lainie’s in the kitchen when they walk in, a small smile on her face.

“Hi Jess,” she greets her, turning back. “I don’t know if Justin is up to seeing you right now.”

“That’s okay, I thought I’d just stop by and see,” she smiles, watching as Clay walks through to the living room. “Is there anything I can do?”

Lainie smiles. “I don’t think so, sweetheart. We just need to give him some time,” she says. “He’s going to be okay. We’re working on getting him some help, and we’re keeping a close eye on him in the meantime.”

Before Jess can answer, footsteps walk back into the kitchen with Justin following quietly. “Hey,” he says, hovering a few feet away.

He looks like he hasn’t slept, dark bags under his eyes and pajama pants and a t-shirt on. Jess smiles, walking forward and hugging him. “I’m sorry, I know you said that you didn’t want to hang out or see anyone, but I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she whispers against his shoulder, pulling back to kiss him.

“Thanks for coming,” he says, watching as she pulls back to open her purse. “You really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” she says, pulling a box of Skittles from her purse. “I thought I’d bring you these.”

It earns a smile from Justin, who reaches out and takes the box from her. “Thanks,” he says, kissing her again. “I’m sorry it’s not a good time to hang out. Maybe later this week.”

“Of course,” Jess nods, reaching out and squeezing his hand. “You text me, okay? Whenever you're ready, we can hang out.”

Justin manages a smile, nodding. “I will, I promise.”

Clay leads her out and Justin sighs, turning to look at Lainie. “I feel really stupid for not being up to hanging out with her. All we’d do is watch a movie. That’s all I do with you guys.”

Lainie smiles, leading him to sit down at the table. She sets a glass of water in front of him, sitting down in her own chair. “Sometimes it’s hard to sit with people who aren’t family, or even your family. I know it’s a lot for you to have us around right now.”

Justin shakes his head. “I can’t be alone right now,” he says quietly. “I just hope she isn’t mad.”

Lainie reaches forward, brushing her fingers over his cheek. “She’s not mad at you, love. Her coming over here shows how much she cares about you. And when you’re ready, she’ll be here and ready to hang out with you.”

Clay walks back in, surveying the situation in front of him. “I’m willing to watch _Fast and the Furiou_ s with you. But just this one time.”

Justin laughs, standing up. “Deal.”

Lainie watches her boys walk back into the living room, their quiet conversation a welcomed noise in a house that once seemed so quiet.

**_______________________________**

Matt and Lainie both stay home with him on Monday, and if Justin thinks it’s weird, he doesn’t say anything. Clay, understanding that his brother needs space, spends the day with Ani away from the house.

Justin lays on the sofa in the living room sleeping or watching daytime game shows, politely nibbling on the snacks Lainie insisted he try to stomach, or sipping on water from the water bottle he’d been carrying with him since Saturday.

After putting off eating lunch, Lainie sets crackers and cheese down, leaning forward to brush her fingers through his hair. “Can you try to eat a little?” She asks, chewing on her lip.

Justin nods, sitting up and taking the plate from her.

“We’re all here when you’re ready, love,” she reminds him. “You just have to give us the word.”

Justin takes a bite of the cracker and cheese, sighing. “I just feel like I’m never going to get out from under this.”

An admission, a small step in the right direction. “Can you elaborate?” She asks carefully, treading murky waters.

He shrugs, swallowing, and rests the plate on his lap. “I run away from my mom, you guys save me, and then she comes back in my life asking for money. Then things feel okay, I get adopted, and I get diagnosed with HIV,” he rambles, staring at the plate. He picks at a piece of cheese, but never brings it to his mouth. “I finally start to feel like things are getting normal again. I’m clean, I graduated, I’m undetectable and going to college, I have friends, I’m doing so much better than I ever was. And then he emails me.” Pausing, he looks up. “Will it ever end?”

For a moment, Lainie doesn’t know how she’s going to reply. She brushes her hand over his cheek, thumb brushing against his jaw soothingly. “I can’t tell you when this will all be behind you,” she says quietly. “I wish I could sit here right now and tell you that no one will ever come back into your life with the intention of hurting you, but I think we both know that I would be expressing my hopes for you, and not facts.”

“What I can tell you is that no matter what else you have to go through in your life, you will not do it alone,” She says, taking his hand in hers. “You have me, you have Matt, you have Clay. And we love you. You are our son and Clay’s brother, and you are one of the best things to happen to this family. And what do we say about family?”

“They don’t let someone go through something alone,” he whispers, voice shaking.

Lainie smiles. “Right,” she nods. “So, we are always going to be here to help you go through whatever it is you’re going through, but my love, you also need to let us help.”

“I wanted to get high Saturday night,” he blurts out, ducking his head.

Lainie’s caught off guard. “How did you overcome the cravings?”

“Clay sat up with me,” he replies, pushing himself to look back at her. “He talked to me about atoms and the universe like it was a fourth grade science project,” he smiles, the smallest of laughs coming out. “It distracted my brain, and it was also just boring enough that I fell asleep.”

Lainie bites back a smile. “I’m glad you told Clay,” she says. “And you know that if you feel that way and Clay is at school or out with his friends, you can talk to Matt and I, right? You can even come get us in the middle of the night, if you’d prefer us over Clay. We want to be there for you sweetheart, but we can’t help if you don’t let us in.”

“I’m trying,” he whispers.

“I know you are,” she nods. “And you know how proud we are of you. So let’s start small. What can I do for you right now that would make you feel better?”

Justin hesitates. He opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it.

“Justin, love,” Lainie says, leaning forward. “It can be anything.”

He nods, taking a breath. “Can you… can you just sit with me? And play with my hair like you do when I don’t feel good?”

“Now that I can do,” Lainie nods, standing up to slide next to Justin.

He situates the pillow on her lap, laying down as her fingers card through his hair.

She plays with his hair until his eyes flutter closed and his breathing evens out, savoring the moment with her teenager that still wants this connection, but probably won’t want it in the not so distant future.

**_______________________________**

Matt nudges his wife, smiling when she opens her eyes.

“You fell asleep, and Clay will be home soon,” he whispers, moving to sit in the chair across from them. “Justin’s still asleep.”

Lainie glances down at her hand still tangled in Justin’s hair, smiling when she realizes he’s still asleep. “I told him we’d start small. Start with what he thought he needed in the moment.”

Matt nods. “I think we should think about calling Dr. Ellman,” he says, looking at his son. “Even if it’s only for a few sessions. Even if it’s not regular again. I just… I think right now he needs that extra support.”

“I agree,” Lainie sighs. “Let’s let him sleep a little longer, and then we’ll talk to him about it.”

She lets the silence fill the room for a moment. “He wanted to get high Saturday night.”

Matt raises his eyebrows.

“Clay got him through it. Talked to him about atoms and the universe until he fell asleep.”

“Him admitting that is a big step.”

“It is,” Lainie agrees, “but it just makes me more nervous. We now know that he had cravings.”

“We also knew that those never completely subsided,” Matt reminds her. “We’ll keep an eye on him, we’ll make sure he knows we’re here, and we’ll navigate it together. He is not alone.”

Justin stirs, blinking his eyes open and pushing himself to sit up. “How long did I sleep?”

Lainie checks her watch. “A few hours, but I took a nap with you,” she smiles. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” he answers after a moment. “I feel ridiculous for being so depressed about this. All I wanted was for it to be over, and now that it is, I feel sad that I don’t have him hanging over me anymore.”

“Feelings are tricky to navigate,” Matt remarks. “Do you think perhaps it’s because you were used to the form of emotional manipulation?”

“Maybe,” Justin shrugs. “But I’m trying to be better about that. Better about realizing that abuse isn’t love.”

“And you have been doing better,” Lainie nods. She moves the pillow off her lap, looking at her son. “You’ve been working so hard, opening up and being honest about what you need to change. But much like Clay’s therapy work isn’t ever really finished, neither is yours. We’re all changing, love, and that includes you.”

She looks to Matt, who leans forward. “Justin, your mother and I would like to explore the opportunity for you to begin going back to Dr. Ellman.” He notices Justin open his mouth to protest, holding his hand up. “This doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be, but at least for a few sessions. We think it’d be best if you at least went for a little while to talk through the last few months.”

Justin sinks back against the back of the couch. “Can we take it session by session?”

Lainie chews on the corner of her lip. “How about you guarantee us three sessions, and then we will take it session by session,” she counters. “I know that sounds unfair, but I think you’re aware that you will not talk through it all in one session.”

Justin resigns, nodding. “Okay, three sessions and then session by session,” he agrees, looking between the two of them. “When does this start?”

“We can call Dr. Ellman today,” she smiles. “Set up the sessions and take it from there. But right now, what’s one thing we can do to help?”

Justin smiles. The technique Matt and Lainie use is familiar to him, one they implemented in the first few weeks of him being in their home. In the moments where feeling okay is too overwhelming, they always ask him one thing they can do in the moment. After initially feeling like he couldn’t even do that, he’s grown to learn to ask for what he needs and not feel ashamed about it.

“I’m going to shower,” he decides, deciding that can be his one thing. “Can I help cook dinner after?”

Matt, who’s relieved to see shades of his son returning, nods immediately. “Of course you can help. Is there anything you want in particular?”

Justin shakes his head. “Whatever you think we should make. I’m not picky,” he says, standing up and walking upstairs to shower.

Lainie sits up, smoothing her hands over her jeans. “I feel a little more hopeful than I thought I would.”

Matt emits a laugh. “I was expecting pushback. I was expecting a fight.”

“Me too,” Lainie admits. “But this is a good first step. We’ll just keep taking those baby steps until we start to see things get better. Just like we always do.”

**_______________________________**

Clay doesn’t think he’s ever been more distracted hanging out with Ani.

His mind was preoccupied all afternoon, but when he hadn’t received updates from his parents and Justin had left all but three texts he sent throughout the day unread, he worried that things got worse. That Justin took another backslide and they didn’t want him to worry.

Ani smiles, kissing his cheek and interlacing their fingers together. “Go home. Go check on Justin,” she whispered against his ear, kissing along his jaw. “You need to know that he’s okay, I get it. Let me know how he is?”

His anxiety heightens when he walks in and Justin isn’t with Matt and Lainie in the kitchen, where the two of them are putting dishes away and sorting out that evening’s dinner. “Where’s Justin?”

“In the shower,” Lainie smiles, looking back to him. She notices his anxiety, her face softening. “He’s okay, Clay. We’re working through it, and I’ve made him an appointment for him to see Dr. Ellman on Thursday.”

Clay lets himself fall into a chair. “Do you think he’ll want to hang out with Jess tomorrow? Or the group?”

“He might,” Matt nods. “It wouldn’t hurt to ask him. But if he says no, you need to respect that. He’s been through a lot the last few months. He needs time to process.”

Clay nods. “I’ll respect it, I promise,” he says, standing up. “I’m going to go upstairs and wait for him to get out of the shower.”

He leaves before Matt and Lainie answer, and Lainie turns to her husband, a smile on her face. “Do you think they’re too attached?”

“Sometimes,” Matt says with a laugh. “But I think it’s good for them. For both of them. To have a brother is an extraordinary thing, and I’m glad they have each other as brothers to navigate this world together.”

Lainie smiles, putting the last of the dishes away and kissing her husband.

She can’t disagree with that.

**_______________________________**

Justin joins them at the table for the first time since meeting with Austin, spending more time pushing his food around his plate than eating it. Lainie encourages him while simultaneously glancing at Matt and Clay, who keep the conversations as they normally would be if this dinner was on any other night.

Lainie doesn’t miss Clay’s protective watch over his brother as she gets up to get Justin’s HIV medication, pouring the pill out into her hand and setting it in front of him. “Do you want your anxiety medication?” She asks softly, settling back in her chair when he shakes his head no.

Clay takes a bite of his dinner, sighing. “What if you got a restraining order against Austin?”

The dinner stills, Matt looking at their eldest. “Clay, this isn’t the most helpful conversation to be having right now.”

“Why not?” He presses, looking at Justin before turning back to Matt. “Look, I get it. He needs a few days, and I definitely would, too. But I’m just saying, if you take out a restraining order we can promise that Austin will never be able to contact Justin again. Justin won’t ever have to worry that he’ll come back and send his anxiety into a tailspin again. It’ll protect him more than anything.”

Matt sighs. “Lainie, is it possible to look into filing a restraining order? What would it entail?”

“We would have to show sufficient evidence that the restraining order is warranted. The emails would be more than enough,” she begins, glancing at Justin. “But this is a decision that can only be made by one person. Justin,” she says, waiting for him to look up. “Do you want us to look into taking out a restraining order against Austin? You can be honest with us.”

Justin looks up, sinking in his chair. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m living under this cloud that keeps coming back to haunt me.”

“Do you think having the restraining order against Austin would help?” She asks softly. “It’s okay if you don’t think it will. This is entirely up to you, love.”

Sighing, Justin looks around the table. “If we file it, he can never contact me again, right?”

“We’ll file for a permanent restraining order with the judge. Unless you ask for the restraining order to be rescinded, Austin will not be able to contact you.”

“And if he does?”

“He’ll be fined or put in jail for a period of time. There’s a chance he could be on probation instead,” she explains. “He cannot violate the restraining order without serious consequences.”

Justin blows out a breath. Lainie watches his fingers tap against his forearm, his eyes unfocusing to stare at his plate.

“If you don’t want to talk about this right now, you need to tell us, Justin,” she reminds him softly. “We will not be upset if you’d like to pause this conversation.”

“I want to file the restraining order,” he says, pulling his eyes to focus on Lainie. “I’ll let you guys take the emails or whatever, but I want to file a permanent restraining order so he can’t talk to me.”

Lainie reaches over, resting her hand on his arm. “As soon as the restraining order is in place and we have all the emails documented, you can delete them. Are you okay with having them in your inbox until then?”

Justin shrugs. “They’re in a separate folder. I won’t look at them, I promise.”

“It’s okay if you do, Justin,” Matt says. “It’s okay if you want to look at them, or you find yourself reading them. But if they make you anxious or feel any sort of emotion, your mother and I would like you to talk to us.”

“I will,” Justin nods, pushing himself to sit up. “I promise, I will. Can I go lay down upstairs?”

“Sure,” Lainie nods, motioning for him to leave his plate so she can wrap it up for him to eat later if he wants.

Clay’s eyes watch his brother leave the room, turning so he can see him until he disappears upstairs. Turning back to Matt and Lainie, he takes a breath. “He’s going to be okay.”

A statement, not a question. Matt and Lainie both nod in reassurance, and Lainie busies her mind to stop it from overthinking by cleaning up from dinner.

Justin would be okay. If it took all of them to get him through it, they would do so for as long as it took.

He would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i can't believe there's only one chapter left before this is all over!
> 
> i'm working on another fic, and then i have some ideas for little one-shots, so i don't think i'll be gone long :)
> 
> see you guys on friday!!
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	15. fifteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin meets with Dr. Ellman, Lainie gets the final word, and they begin to heal.

Dr. Ellman’s office looks and feels exactly the same as it did seven months ago when he came for his last regularly scheduled session.

He sinks back into the grey tweed sofa, folding his hands in his lap and taking a breath.

“It’s nice to see you again, Justin,” Dr. Ellman says, sitting in his normal chair and crossing his legs. “I heard you’ve had quite a time these last few months.”

Shrugging noncommittally, Justin sighs. “How much did Lainie tell you?”

Dr. Ellman smiles. “She told me about your biological father contacting you, and she told me that you met with him in person a few days ago. How have you been doing since then?”

“Pretty bad,” he admits. “I haven’t done anything with anyone. My girlfriend texts me to hang out, but I just don’t answer or I tell her I’m not feeling up to it.”

“What about Clay? Have you hung out with him?”

“Not really,” he shrugs. “He’s been staying in the main house with me. I don’t want to be far from Matt and Lainie.”

Dr. Ellman nods, writing. “Why do you think that is?”

Justin sits silent for a moment. He hadn’t thought about why he asked to sleep in Clay’s old room since meeting Austin. To him, it was a comfort thing. Something he didn’t have when he was younger. He never expected Clay to want to go along with it, but he felt for his sanity, he needed to feel like he was close to the people who he called his mom and dad. That if he needed them, they were right there.

“When my biological dad emailed me talking about how he wanted to reunite our family, it sent me into a tailspin,” he begins, staring at his lap. “I’ve never had a dad in my life, at least not a father figure I ever wanted. And now my biological dad kept emailing me saying that he could make it better. It just. I don’t know,” he shrugs, “it sent me into a tailspin.”

Waiting a moment, Dr. Ellman looks back to him. “You felt that you were losing control of the situation.”

“Yes,” Justin nods. “And when I finally told Matt and Lainie, it’s like I knew they would protect me.”

“That’s a good thing, Justin,” he smiles, “You’ve come a long way from when you first arrived to stay with them. You didn’t trust them.”

“I always thought they’d make me leave,” Justin admits. “I never thought they’d ask me to stay long-term, or even adopt me.”

Dr. Ellman lets the thought sit in the air for a moment, setting his pen down. “When you saw your dad, what feelings were you expecting to have?”

“I was expecting to be anxious,” he replies, shrugging. “And I was. But I also thought deep down that maybe he wouldn’t be that bad when we met in person. That he would treat me as a human, and we could try to have a normal relationship.”

“Is that what you wanted?”

Justin opens his mouth to argue, and then stops himself. “I never want to leave the Jensens,” he starts off, pressing himself into the back of the sofa. “They’re my family, and nothing could ever make me want to leave how safe and loved they make me feel.”

Dr. Ellman returns a polite smile. “Justin, did you want to have a normal relationship with your biological father?” He rephrases, voice as gentle as the first time.

“Yes,” he admits. Staring at his lap. “I never wanted to see him regularly or anything, but I did hope that he’d maybe want to talk to me after this.”

“Did you tell the Jensens this? Even Clay?”

Justin shakes his head. “They wouldn’t understand,” he admits quietly, looking back at him. “They read all of the emails, they know that he was manipulative and rude and horrible. If they knew I thought about wanting to have a relationship with him, they would just ask a million questions.”

“Do you hope to one day have a relationship with him? Maybe in a few years?”

Justin picks at a cuticle. “No,” he replies simply. “We’re filing a permanent restraining order. It was Clay’s idea, but I think it’s a good one. I think it’ll bring me peace.”

Dr. Ellman writes once more. “I think you’re right. Based on what Lainie told me about how you were doing when she called, it sounds like this is the right decision.”

“Do you think I’ll be okay?”

He’s not expecting a small laugh from Dr. Ellman. “You know, for everything that you've come to me for, you’ve never once asked me if I thought you were going to be okay,” he remarks. “Do you believe you’ve been through worse?”

“Yes,” Justin answers immediately.

“And did you ever think you’d be okay then?”

“No,” Justin laughs. “I never thought I’d be able to heal from that.”

Dr. Ellman nods. “But you did. It took us a while, but you worked through your past, and you’re doing well given everything,” he says. “So, when you ask me if I think you’re going to be okay after this, I think you know the answer.”

“Yes, Justin. I do think you’re going to be okay,” he clarifies after a moment. “Just as we always do, it’ll take time. And it’s going to take some work from you. Are you willing to work with me?”

“Yes,” Justin breathes, managing a smile. “I want to work with you. I want to be better. I can be better.”

**_______________________________**

In the process of filing a restraining order against Austin with Justin, Lainie had a revelation.

While Justin will have to be at the hearing in person, Lainie could be present at the process of serving Austin the restraining order along with someone in her firm, as long as she isn’t part of the process itself.

She sits in her office, a knock on the door from the receptionist. “Austin Caldwell is in the private meeting room. Dennis is waiting for you in the hall.” she says, disappearing without another word.

Lainie checks her phone, takes a breath, and walks down the hall that now seems to last forever. Dennis is standing just outside the meeting room, stark white envelope in hand. “Are you ready for this?” He asks, giving her a bright smile.

Lainie manages a smile back, nodding. “I’m ready for my family to be able to put this behind us.”

Dennis nods, hand resting on the door handle. “Just remember, I am the one who has to serve the restraining order, otherwise it has potential to become invalid.”

She nods, thanking him as he opens the door.

Austin isn’t what she expected.

She sees Justin’s similarities to him, the vague facial features of her son. They have the same eyes, and, while difficult to admit, a strong handshake. She takes a moment to gather herself, sitting beside Dennis across from Austin at the table.

“I think I know why I’ve been asked to come here,” he says quietly, folding his hands in front of him. “Justin Foley wants to file a restraining order.”

Lainie blinks, looking at him. She takes a breath, waiting for Dennis to do the talking.

“Do you have previous restraining orders, Mr. Caldwell?” Dennis asks, and Lainie takes a moment to smooth out hre blazer.

He smiles. “No, no restraining orders against me,” he replies, leaning back in the chair. “I just know how this goes. I’m hardly invited to a law office in Evergreen for good news.”

Dennis nods shortly, pulling the envelope out to hand to him. “Normally we would have someone serve you at home, but we wanted to see you in person,” Dennis says, looking to Lainie.

Lainie takes a breath. “Mr. Caldwell, my name is Lainie Jensen, and I am Justin’s mother.”

She pauses, watching the realization fall over Austin’s face. “While I am not the one processing the civil harassment restraining order against you, Dennis here is on behalf of our firm, I can be here to tell you this.” She sits up straighter. “The last three months have been emotional turmoil for Justin. The constant emails, the vague threats and the constant harassments when he didn’t answer quickly enough to your liking were frankly, unsettling to read, especially knowing they came from a grown man.”

“I wish there was more that we could throw at you. A civil harassment restraining order hardly feels like enough justice for what you’ve done,” she continues. “You may be Justin’s biological father. He may have your features, he may have your mannerisms, but in my eyes, he is not your son.”

Austin shifts in his chair uncomfortably.

“Filing to protect my son from no longer having to hear from a man who cares so little about his well-being feels like the absolute bare minimum I could do as a mother, and it certainly doesn’t feel like enough. Rebuilding his trust, promising him that you cannot be back in his life does not happen overnight,” she stops. “What you don’t know about Justin is that he wants relationships with his biological family. We spent long, agonizing months attempting to contact and form a healthy relationship with Amber, only to come up short. And while I don’t know for sure, I’m sure Justin felt a sense of excitement knowing that you found him and wanted to talk to him.”

“Before coming to us, Justin had never been given a fighting chance in life. He has been through so much hurt, so much heartbreak and betrayal, and he’s only turning 19 in three weeks. He deserves a break, Mr. Caldwell, but this incident hardly makes him feel like he’s going to ever be able to escape his past. I hope you recognize the damage you have done to a boy who shares your DNA. A boy who once may have been hopeful to know who his biological father was, to have the prospect to form a relationship with him.”

Lainie takes a breath, standing up. “I wish you the best, Mr. Caldwell, but I certainly hope you take time to reflect on how detrimental your threats and mental manipulation was to a boy who may have benefitted from a biological family member relationship after 18 years of only knowing his mother. I hope you understand that Justin is a sweet, caring, and smart man who has made our family feel whole. I hope when you think of Justin, your first biological child, you think of how he loves football and basketball, watching true crime documentaries with me or helping cook dinner with my husband. He loves to play video games with his brother and walk the neighbor’s dogs when they’re on vacation. He’s an extraordinary kid, Mr. Caldwell, and you chose to walk out on that before you even had a chance to know him. ”

“I hope you realize that my family will only see you as a narcissist who chose to manipulate your biological child to feel better about himself. You only ever cared about bragging about yourself and how great things are for you, and my family will never be able to see you otherwise.” She gathers her things, stepping back. “I hope you treat your children better than you treated Justin. I hope you build them up to be upstanding people who care about the well-being of others. We could use children like that in the world, Mr. Caldwell, and I can only hope that you’re the parent they need and not the person you showed Justin you were.”

She walks to the door, reaching for the doorknob when Austin’s voice fills the room.

“Mrs. Jensen,” he says, his voice smaller as Lainie turns to look at him. “Give Justin my best. Tell him I’m sorry for the last few months. I should have handled it better.”

Lainie presses her lips into a thin line, nodding. “Thank you, Mr. Caldwell.”

She steps out, letting out a breath and walking back to her office. She gives herself a moment to weep, a step in the right direction and a hurdle she had been anticipating finally crossed.

Her son can fully begin healing.

**_______________________________**

Lainie is the only person home when Justin arrives after therapy, sitting on the sofa getting some work done. Matt returned to his office on campus to file a few things, and after some convincing from Justin, Clay had gone to hang out with Ani.

She looks over to him, smiling as he pulls off his shoes and sits down across from her in the chair.

“How did it go?” She asks, trying not to sound like she’s prying. With Justin doing better, she agreed to let him take himself, a decision she second guessed the entire time he was gone.

He shrugs, looking back to her. “I’m probably going to keep going after the three sessions we agreed on, if that’s okay.”

Lainie’s face warms, a smile spreading. “Of course it’s okay, love. You go as long as you need,” she says. “I sat with Dennis as he served Austin his restraining order today.”

Justin bites back a smile. “So you met him?”

“I did,” she nods. “And I’m glad you’re not going to see him again.” She contemplates telling him Austin’s sentiments, but stops herself.

She doesn’t think Austin really meant them.

“I look like him, don’t I?”

His words are quiet, just barely able to be heard through the room. He taps his fingers on the table, staring at the wood as Lainie gathers her thoughts.

“You have some of his features, yes,” she finally replies, giving him a soft smile. “But Justin, you are in no way anything like him. You, my love, care so deeply about other people. You would do anything to make people’s lives easier. You are smart and hilarious, and so deeply genuine and truthful, and that’s what matters,” she reaches forward, brushing her hand over his cheek. “Besides, I think you’re handsome. And if it means anything to you, I don’t see any of his qualities in you.”

Justin laughs, pressing his cheek against the palm of her hand. “It does help, thank you,” Justin nods, relieved. “So what happens now? Do we go to court?”

“We do,” Lainie confirms. “It should be pretty straightforward. They have the emails and Clay wrote a statement about what happened when you met him in person. He said you said it was okay.”

“It is,” he says. Sighing, he takes a moment. “I just have to tell my side?”

“You do,” she says. “And then Austin will get the chance to tell his side. After, the judge will make a decision. But given that we’re giving overwhelming evidence, I don’t think you have to worry about them not granting the restraining order.”

“Good,” he admits, chewing on his lip. “I’m really sorry for not telling you guys sooner. And for getting us here.”

“While I’m still upset that you felt you couldn’t tell us about this, I’m glad that you did tell us, and I’m glad that you haven't hid your feelings after meeting him,” she says. “You understand that your dad and I just want what’s best for you?”

“Yes,” Justin nods. “And I don’t want to know anything else about my past life. But I do, I’ll come to you guys first. No more hiding things.”

Lainie sets her pen down, focusing on her son. “I don’t know if I can believe that you’ll tell us _everything_ , you are still a teenager after all, I do hope that you understand that your father and I don’t want to ever upset you. We only do what we feel is right to protect you.”

“I think sometimes it’s easy for us to forget that you have been through so much heartache and betrayal in almost 19 short years. You make it so easy for us to love you, but we don’t ever want you to think that you need to push your past down or never talk about it. We understand you’ve been through so much, and we want to help you whenever we can.”

Justin takes a breath. He hesitates, and then moves to sit beside her. “What you guys have done for me the last few years. Taking me in, adopting me, giving me love and support like I’ve never had before, it’s more than anything I could’ve asked for,” he begins, interlacing his fingers together. “I’ve never been loved or taken care of like I have been here. No one has ever cared for me the way that you three have cared for me.”

“I know I’m not always the best at talking about what’s wrong, and I think I’ve hid enough things from you to give you more than enough reasons to reverse the adoption, but I want to be better. I can be better, I promise.”

Lainie sets her files down on the coffee table, leaning forward to run her fingers through his hair, cupping his face in her hands. “You are every bit our son as Clay is. We don’t see you as any different. Just because I didn’t give birth to you and you weren’t our son for the first 16 years doesn’t mean you’re not ours now. And we will always love you and care for you and be right here when you need us. No matter how old you are.”

Hastily wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands, Justin sucks in a breath. “How did you find it in you to love me? Even with all my past trauma and the HIV diagnosis and now this.”

Lainie brushes her thumbs under his eyes, blinking back her own tears. “Because you are so easy to love,” she whispers, smiling. “You are kind and funny and polite, and your past trauma and HIV and your biological parents have no bearing on the love we have for you.”

Justin smiles, blinking as he wipes his eyes again.

“There is nothing you could say or do that would make us love you any less,” Lainie reminds him. “You are our youngest son, and just like Clay, there are times where we’re disappointed with the choices you make. But isn’t that part of being a kid? I certainly wasn’t perfect with my parents. I did plenty of things to disappoint them, especially at 19.”

Justin laughs. “And they still love you.”

“Just like we love you,” Lainie whispers. “I don’t want you to ever think that us being disappointed in choices you make means that we love you less. I’m not sure if that’s how it was previously, but that’s not the case here, Justin. We will always love you more than we could ever say.”

Justin’s bottom lip wobbles as he falls into her arms. “I love you guys, too. Thank you for saving me.”

“We’d do it all over again. I just wish we could’ve done it sooner,” she whispers, holding him until he’s ready to let go.

**_______________________________**

Clay declares Friday night as family movie night.

Justin, who’d managed to have a good day and spend time with Jess, argues about the movie choice until Lainie steps in and reminds her boys that it’s her turn to decide.

They settle in with an 80s movie and popcorn shared between the four of them. Clay and Justin curl up on the floor under blankets, and she nestles into Matt’s side, resting her head on his shoulder. She laughs at her sons’ commentary of the 80s relics, rolling her eyes at Matt’s fond memories of the long distance phone calls the two of them once shared before getting married.

She tangles her fingers in Justin’s hair, massaging his scalp before moving to do the same to Clay.

She looks down at the floor at both of her boys, no longer small children, and reminds herself that she has two boys who still need her, despite their ages and insistence that they don’t.

She thinks about the last few months her youngest has been through. The pain, the manipulation, the anxiety. Her heart breaks knowing that they’re still in the throes of it all, still navigating back to a safe level for Justin to feel okay again. She’s realistic in understanding that this is going to take months, probably long after Clay is back at Brown for his sophomore year.

She’s never been more positive that she’s willing to do it. Whatever Justin needs, whatever it takes, she, Matt and Clay will get him there. Lainie wants to make up for the first 16 years when he had no one to care for him, and she thinks with time, Justin will understand that he no longer has to go back there, that they will always be there for him whenever he needs it.

More than anything, Lainie feels that this moment is the start of a new chapter. Justin is getting the help he needs, all of them have been attentive and available for Justin whenever he needs them, and slowly but surely he’s doing better.

Justin’s past will never leave him. He’s always going to carry this weight with him, these traumas that ebb and flow as he works through them. More than anything, Lainie wishes she could lift the burden from their son. She knows that if given the chance, she and Matt would ease the pain their youngest went through in the past if it meant he could be totally free now. But instead they help him pick up the pieces, sitting up on sleepless nights and helping him through anxiety attacks when Clay isn’t there.

It’s not always going to be easy. Both Matt and Lainie are anticipating ups and downs, rough patches like when Clay goes back to school. But more than ever, they're ready for it. They’re willing to do anything to show how much they love him, to give him the family he never got to have.

Together, they would be okay. There’s never been anything she’s more sure of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe this fic is over! i feel like i just started posting it, and we're already here!
> 
> thank you for taking the time to read/comment/leave kudos :) i hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> i'm also taking liberties and realizing that lainie being allowed to be at the restraining order process is most likely not allowed...but like. i wanted to do it anyway hahaha
> 
> i'll probably be posting a new fic next week (still around the Jensens because i can't stop lol), so if you'd like to read that, look out for it!!
> 
> thank you guys <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> here we gooo!! i'm excited to post this, and i hope you guys will enjoy it!
> 
> this is mostly canon compliant - Justin has HIV (though it's more mentioned in passing, it's not the main focus), but he's... obviously not dead lol
> 
> i'm going to try to update at least twice a week, but at the very least, you should get something once a week!
> 
> you can follow me/talk to me on tumblr [here](https://peter-covinskys.tumblr.com/) if you want :)


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